Van what van? GET TO THE CHOPPAH!

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My greatest strength is my self-deprecating sense of humor, but its probably not worth getting to know me.

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Penis. I got it

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Hey you must be Jabba the slut from Starwars... why are you crying? Moral: Moral is half the battle

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-Hey Baby, wanna date? -No thanks, I'm allergic to fruits

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Do you want to dance No I suppose a blow job is out of the question then

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you in between F and CK.

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Talk to me or I'll burn your face with this acid.

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At a bar. M: I so wanna sex you! W: What? :) M: What part of sex did you not get? VAGINA! W: You have problems with your heart? (angina) :( M: Stop screwing with me bitch! W: I dont have no itch... :/ *The man gets insulted and leaves* Woman: Cute guy, I wish I wasn't nearly deaf though... Moral "patience is a virtue?" Hell no! The guy got laid with 6 women that day so the moral is "The more people listen to what you have to say, the more you will get laid this day, and a deaf woman is a challenge if she aint your way"

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*Boy looks at cloth* -Does this smell like chlorophorm?

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You got some junk in the trunk, can I dump my load in there too?

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—hey girl, how about you give me your phone number and I'll pay half of your order. —sure *passes a paper and paid for the things. The girl walked away* The boy flips open the paper "911, call my dad and ask for me"

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Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a mac10. GET IN THE VAN.

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I hope you like trees because I've got wood!

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hi how u doin fine and u well bii have a nice day DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you are absolutely beautifull...?? Her: (smiles) and says no.. Him: there is a good reaseon for that..

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Whats small, rough, and painful to put in your ass? Sandpaper

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Am I having a erection or am I just glad to see you? Moral: My d1ck in my hand is HARDly a better option than my d1ck in a bush.

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Man: Hi ladies I am back for more if you know what I mean ;) Ladies: Get lost you damn hippie! The seventies are over! Man: Whaaat? I died for your sins you know! Moral: Ever heard of Jesus`s ladyfriends? There, now you see what I mean.

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Yo imma let you finish yourself off

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A: Did I see you walking out of that bar or was it an angel? :D B: I'm your mom you pervert.

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Have you heard of that new movie "Other People"? Cuz thats what i wanna see.

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You're so hot that if someone threw a grenade at you, I'd probably throw it back because falling on it sounds like a really dumb idea.

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Real life anti Joke: At my school Me as a teen: Hey, I don't know me, and I don't know you, but we both live at the same private school, how about you come with me later and so I can screw you really hard? Girl: My God I love confident guys, sure! Me: Wha...what? That is not quite what I uh... You mean *blush* really want to have sex with me? I mean I am... co-conifden I mean confident but like really? Girl: Meh, not anymore... Moral: Must have been quite some time ago because it took me years to understand why she refused at the end...

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!