Little guy: I also beat Mike Tyson with my fists! Woman: Meh, from what I heard you beat some nobody named Mr.Dream! Little guy: Damn you Nintendo! Moral: He sure was not a big mac... more like a little ma.. baaaah you wont get it anyways!....

thumb_up thumb_down -142

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

thumb_up thumb_down -30

you work at subway? cuz you givin me a footlong;)

thumb_up thumb_down +25

guy: can i rape you? girl: No Guy: great that means any sex we have from now on is consensual, thanks

thumb_up thumb_down -39

Honestly bitch, I hate you, but my balls are bursting so its either you or the next disgusting ugly bitch in line, my mom!

thumb_up thumb_down -56

On your mark, get set, suck my dick.

thumb_up thumb_down -171

-- Hey, can I have your number? -- 12

thumb_up thumb_down +73

-"Hey babe, you gotta nice ass!" -"Yep, and it doesn't like a rude one staring at it."

thumb_up thumb_down -113

Oh hotness I wanna bang you!

thumb_up thumb_down +100

Man and woman in bed: Man: You know I am somewhat a deviant right? Woman: Sure but I am drunk so lets just do it.. Man: I AM SO GONNA BANG YOU! (Man throws dynamite at woman) Woman: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUU Moral: BANG INDEED... case closed.

thumb_up thumb_down +36

Do your parents have Down Syndrome? Because your really special.

thumb_up thumb_down -31

Man: I am willing to give my life for you. Woman: How about you fucking get one instead and rather seek me out then? Moral: M-M-M-Morale breaker!

thumb_up thumb_down -60

Guy: You look two times as beautiful with makup on. Girl: Really? I think you would too.

thumb_up thumb_down +103

roses are red, violets are blue, i have some money, how much are you?

thumb_up thumb_down +92

-don't sit on the table, people eat there! -don't sit on that chair, people sit there!

thumb_up thumb_down -85

Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Van what van? GET TO THE CHOPPAH!

thumb_up thumb_down -42

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out and I was like O Mg.

thumb_up thumb_down -23

Roses are red Violets are blue I'm using my hand but thinking of you ;)

thumb_up thumb_down -58

Did you fall from heaven? Cause the ground around you looks like it's cracked.

thumb_up thumb_down +88

- I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U - ...

thumb_up thumb_down -26

"Next!"

thumb_up thumb_down +89

-Wanna have sex? -No -Damn

thumb_up thumb_down -62

Do you have sunburn, or are you always this hot? It's sunburn.

thumb_up thumb_down +27

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!