Hey i got a job for you. But it blows.

thumb_up thumb_down +57

Stories from real life part whatever: Me as a twelve year old: Yeah I am incredibly experienced with girls, I mean I know I look very young for a eighteen year old man, but I consider it a advantage of mine... Seventeen year old girl: Really? You are eighteen? Me: Of course, besides II have had intercourse hundred of times, mostly with married women, I enjoy being their "guilty pleasure" Girl: I bet you haven't seen boobs like these though! *shows me boobs* Me: OMG! HOLY SHIT REAL BEEWBS! OMG HOLY CRAP THEY LOOK INCREDIBLE HOLY SHIT EVERYONE I JUST SAW REAL LIFE TITS! I am a winner! Last thing I remember was getting slapped several times and getting spit on, I was too damn happy to give a damn, I was victory. Moral: had you asked me if it worked by then id say "hell yes!", today I doubt it worked as well as it could have...

thumb_up thumb_down +26

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? nwaaahhh *blushing or something* Because it looks like you landed on your face.

thumb_up thumb_down +33

Male: Get in the van.

thumb_up thumb_down -1

Me noob days the triology... Or something like that. Girl: So you looking for company or sex or something? Me: Something like that. Girl: Cool because you see my friend over there, he is gay too and...*breaking bad Doc tells Walter he has cancer sound* Last time I painted my nails black just because IT LOOKED FUCKING AWESOME OKAY!

thumb_up thumb_down -54

Hey girl, is your name Ethiopian food? Because your playing hard to get.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Guy texting random girl: *u must b wearing space pants cuz ur a*s is out of this world *no im wearing baseball pants cuz my a*s is out of ur leage (this girl deserves an award)

thumb_up thumb_down -37

On a scale from 1 to 10, can I get your number?

thumb_up thumb_down -47

What's your favorite condiment? Mine's mayonaise.

thumb_up thumb_down +163

M: Your clothes look great on you. They would even better on my floor. F: No they wouldn't, they would just get dirty. M: You and me should get dirty then. F: Why would I want to get dirty, I'm perfectly fine being clean?

thumb_up thumb_down +107

MAN: Did it hurt? WOMAN: Did what hurt? MAN: Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? WOMAN: Did it hurt when you were dropped as a baby?

thumb_up thumb_down +105

-Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? -Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

thumb_up thumb_down +924

Happy BirthdaySean!

thumb_up thumb_down +186

Man- How much do 2 polar bears weigh? Woman- I don't know? Man- Enough to break the ice, heyy.(;

thumb_up thumb_down +76

HE: You must have some hot buns. SHE: Yeah? HE: Cause you got a real butterface to go with them.

thumb_up thumb_down +12

If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas, could i come between the holidays?

thumb_up thumb_down +169

Why are peploe gieving me thums up al of soodden? Moral: Its scawwy, normally the moral is what protects my genius comments from getting thumbed up.

thumb_up thumb_down -52

Are you a computer technician? Because you turn my hardware into software.

thumb_up thumb_down -30

What's the difference between a duck? An orange

thumb_up thumb_down -73

Man with huge arms and HUGE muscles enters a... pub! (for variety`s sake) "Hey you like fisting!" Woman: Yeah kinda.. I mean HOLY SHIT NO! I DONT PLEASE STOP NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH! Moral: Get a room you two! (a moral man original)

thumb_up thumb_down -75

Guy: Do you wanna be the sun of my life? Girl: Ok sure Guy: Then go stand 13. billion miles away from me

thumb_up thumb_down -44

The invention that gets me around 20 red thumbs averge. Moral: <<<<< Thiz. Its better tto be infamous, than forgotten.

thumb_up thumb_down -28

Man: I bet you havent seen a really big dick before ;) ;) Woman: No... but I have seen yours... The man proceeds to stare at the floor and leaves in shame...

thumb_up thumb_down +1

Man: So, what's your sign? Woman: Out to lunch. Back whenever!

thumb_up thumb_down -84

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!