Male: (Pulls Female in close, strokes her hair, and mutters 'My precious' over and over to himself)

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I'd hit that.... with a truck.

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- So what do you do for a living? - I'm a female impersonator.

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-I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. -I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

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-Your really nice plus i like girls with flat asses

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- If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. - Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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Man trying to be smart: Man: HELP THERE IS A GIANT BOMB DOWN MY PANTS! ITS BULGING AND ITS GONNA EXPLODE KILLING US ALL! Nurse: ILL REMOVE IT! GRABS "EXPLOSIVE EQUIPMENT" AND RIPS IT OFF" Nurse: Weird this organic bomb looks like a peni.. Man: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG Moral: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRHhhhhhhhhhhhhhgEsgRSGRSRfRSfSFSr

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roses are red violets are blue i have a knife get in the van

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Guy: Did you use Windex on your pants? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because I see myself in your pants.

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You are the personification of beauty. ,..Wanna Shag?

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- Your place or mine? - Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

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Man - How was your trip from heaven? Woman - Great... until now.

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Ma'am, I'm sorry I'd like to ask a favour. Yes? Well, my penis died and I was wondering if I could bury it in your vagina?

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Guy -Are you from Tenessee? Girl -No. guy -oh, because you looked kinda southern.

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Yo girl... My feelings keep growing, I just have to say it, but it might be too soon, it might even risk our friendship. Awww, just say it. Ok girl, I hate you more for every day, you fucking ugly bitch, if it where not for your money, id leave right away. Moral: Its not about what you want, its about what you need, therefore I decided I only need whatever I want, case closed.

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- you are in my mind everyday - and your in my way

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I have a .357 magnum pointed at your kidney. Wanna go get some coffee?

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B:wanna go out sometime? G:I'll go out now and get away from you.

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i want a blowjob bitch *lifts her hijab*

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I'm craving some bacon, wanna strip?

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Man: May I please sit next to you for a brief moment? Woman: Sure :), you`re such a gentleman :). Man: Would you care for a bit of violent rapage in you`re anus?

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-Are you free anytime soon? -No. I'm very expensive

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Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.

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*is your name angel cuz that's all i see? *is your name asshole cuz that's all i see

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!