- If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. - Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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Do you have an STD? No. DO you want one??

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- I'd like to call you. What's your number? - It's in the phone book. - But I don't know your name. - That's in the phone book too.

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- I know how to please a woman. - Then please leave me alone.

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- Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason - Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

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Hey girl, I May not be Fred Flinstone but I can make your bed rock! ;)

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Would you like a free breast reduction consultation?

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Good news: you'll never-ever-ever have a zit again. Bad news: because there's no more space for it to pop out.

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Hey girl, ever tried a double dildo with a man before? ;)

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SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive....?

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"Don't scream"

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Superman enters a bar: Superman: Ladies... who wants to try out my newly developed "super orgasmi-power"? Women: Did you not die? Superman: Uh no... it was just a uh... healing coma... *All the women fall into a "healing coma* Superman: *scratches head* Well... I kinda asked for this... Moral:*Healing coma*

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As a man I am afforded greater opportunity then my equally qualified female counterparts. I have made it a life goal use this opportunities for greater good.

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BOY-i love you GIRL-(sneezes) sorry im allergic to bullshit

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Come lay your head upon my chest. (After a moment) Perhaps you'd be more comfortable onmy stomache (pushes head down)

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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven... Because it looks like you landed on your face!

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Hi, my name is Justin Bieber

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How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge? Broken fridge.

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- Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? - No but I scraped my knees when I climbed up from hell

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Man - I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away. Woman - Good cus' your breath stinks!

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-If I saw you naked, I'd die happy. -If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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Guy: what do this pickup line and your face have in common? Girl: what? Guy: they are both poorly constructed.

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How much does a whales weigh? How much? Just enough to make you look skinny.

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Man: Your body is a temple! Woman: Sorry, no services today.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!