Your the penisbutter to my vagmite;)

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Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

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If i don't have sex in 30 seconds i'll have to kiss you

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-What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? -What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

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He i would love to have sex with you She. I know but you have aids

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What happens when a drunk swedish man prank calls 911 from a local bar? The ambulance comes

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Me: it smells in here Her: its maybe my perfume! Me: no i let a glorious fart fallowed my an ass crapping on my foot

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He - Nice shoes. She - Thanks. He - But i think they would look better in my pants.

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*Girl walks into restaurant* - Hi, are you sap666 from the dating site? - I'm going to kill your family! Since then, socially awkward penguin never dated anymore....

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

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Q: Where did Bethany hide the dead baby? A: In the trash can

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Did it hurt? When you fell from the whore tree and banged everyone on the way down?

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Do you have sunburn, or are you always this hot? It's sunburn.

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Man: Comon babe a little BJ wont hurt anyone get down..... Woman: sorry im alergic to peanuts

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-Hey, baby, What's your sign? -Stop.

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Man seriously? Free Samsung? And that Fiat, I been wondering how much you want for it, not that i got it but I was considering buying it sometime. Son, I got no idea what brand this piece of shit car is, but the wheels are cool. No really, if you mean it, ill take that Fiat man, man, ill kiss your feet, ill do it, no really I mean Really? I mean really really? Man If you mean it, ill get over there right away, and man, you can have dunno, bad times, hell ANYTHING Okay? But if you are just messing with me, you can go fuck yourself and your phone man!

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The word of the day is 'legs'. Wanna come to my place and spread the word?

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I am terribly sorry for talking to you, but I was wondering if...

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- I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U - ...

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-Hey baby wanna paint the whole town red? -Yeah, with your blood

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do you clean your pants with windex cause i can see myself in them

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"Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!" "My parole officer would go nuts!"

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-Can I get your Number? -29435566 (see if you can get it.)

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- Is this seat empty? - Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!