-hey baby wanna get a drink? -no but i wanna get the heck away from you

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Me 17 years old: Hey, girl, you are hot how old are you? Girl: 14. Me: What but you have enormous... Never mind, uh nice evening huh?... My friend: Big boobs on er huh? I would have hit on her too had it not been for... Me: Shut up... Crap! Moral: That was a crappy day!

thumb_up thumb_down +148

Man, stay alive, I dont even got time to read that shit. See you around son.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Boy: Did it hurt? Girl: Did what hurt? Boy: When a tractor fell on your face?

thumb_up thumb_down +113

Male: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U together Female: You don't have to do anything because N and O are already together

thumb_up thumb_down -99

Criminals are even more smarter these days My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and said that there were burglars downstairs so I went quietly looking for them when I realised I'm not married

thumb_up thumb_down -90

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a mac10. GET IN THE VAN.

thumb_up thumb_down -31

my dick is 2 inches

thumb_up thumb_down -46

Did you fall from heaven? Cause you d*** sure look like a demon!

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I was born beautiful, But what the hell happened to you!

thumb_up thumb_down +45

-Hey baby wanna paint the whole town red? -Yeah, with your blood

thumb_up thumb_down -40

Man: Well I usually do not bang women your uh... particular size, I mean you are a bit too big for me and um... I got standards... nothing personal but... I uh.. well ok lets try... I guess I stick it here and... Man2: HEY what the hell are you doing to my trailer you drunk bastard! Moral: Standards... we all have it.... just not that much of it...

thumb_up thumb_down +41

Are you Jamaican? Because I love black women

thumb_up thumb_down +161

Online Desperate Asians.com Man: Wow you are a cute asian girl! Where are you from? Girl: Thanks my name Aoi is I am from Japan, you look like nice older man! Man: Japan? Awesome! Remember when we nuked the hell out of your country? Happy days! SLAP A JAP! *Connection discontinued* Man: Eh really sorry, I just get nervous when I meet girls especially the cutest ones... Man: hello?

thumb_up thumb_down +116

Your hair is really beautiful. Thanks. Can I make a wig out of it?

thumb_up thumb_down -13

girl, are you a christian? Sure... Do you believe in me? I dont even know you! Well, met God? No? You love him!

thumb_up thumb_down -80

NO WAIT SON ITS 999 FUCK COME ON! DONT GO "NERO SAYS WITH ME SON!" I mean that shit you pull on everyone, come on man, I posted wrong... Yeah your word is law and all that So can we like make a deal? You pay my repair wreck of a car and you can slash the damn tires yourself if you wanna later?

thumb_up thumb_down -109

I've got candy.

thumb_up thumb_down +32

That King that said: Kill all male babies... Lets say he was a teenager? Moral: Excellent job son, but you see, sharing is caring, have a victory drink!... Thing is... I don't care... rest well...For eternity... Hughman Heffer... The seed has been sown... you got nothing on me...

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Girl: How come you never look at me when we make love? Guy: Your face is taking away the memory of your sister's.

thumb_up thumb_down -68

MAN- Wanna have sex? WOMAN- No get away from me you freak?!!! MAN- Well... I gave you a choice...

thumb_up thumb_down +32

Man: What did you say this horrible machine did look like? Woman: It was terrible it was like a man sized yellow and red robot that shoot lasers! After I refused its offer to come home with him he shoot lasers and destroyed my house... buah ;( ;( Man: That is terrible! Despicable! We have to do something about this! Such a beautiful supermodel should never go trough such a terrible atrocity! Woman: Buah... sigh... sniff... I know... but it was terrible! Man: so so my lady... you can come live with me in my giant mansion and we can have a couple of drinks to calm your nerves and relax... ;) Woman: Thank you Mr.Stark... Man: Oh Just call me Iron Ma... I mean Tony!

thumb_up thumb_down -9

I lost my Nobel prize, can you help me find it?

thumb_up thumb_down +11

he got me some KY jelly for valentines day saying it was going to make me the happiest woman in the world he was right one squirt of that stuff on my doorknob and he couldn't get in no matter how hard he tried

thumb_up thumb_down +21

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!