"How'd you get the black eye?" "I called Yolanda a two-bit whore." "What did she hit you with?" "A sack of quarters."

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Woman and man on picnicking date at the forest: (Man gets bit in his pingas by a snake..) Man: ARGH! HEALP HEALP! Woman: OMG! I have to call the doctor! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING Doctor! My date was bitten by a poisonous snake! What can we do! Doctor: The only option would be to suck the poison out of the bitten area or else he will probably die... "Click" Man: ARGH! WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY! PLEASE ITS GETTING NUMB! WHAT DID HE SAY! Woman: He said you are gonna die... :( Moral: She may not have sucked, but this sure did :P

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I was a little bit nervous to talk to you at first, but thankfully my Aides encouraged me to do it.

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-There's a 'U' in beautiful. -Yeah, and there's a 'U' in ugly.

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Male: are you from Tennessee? Female: yes, why? Male: because Tennessee has great food. Do you think we could travel there together.

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(in a loud club) -Do you wanna dance?! -Umm, with YOU? NO! -What?! oh no, i said, "you look FAT in those PANTS!"

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Hey, nice shoes..... Wanna F***?

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Guy: Are you looking for a hot, sexy, fertile young man? Girl: No thanks, I used to be one.

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M. Do you want to go out with me? F. Okay but first take me to your place where we can be alone to make furious love to one another M. Wow this never happens I must be.. (Wakes up) dreaming

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Hi I'm Shaniqua.

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Welcome to DIE!

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If you were a booger i'd pick you first. -that, is fucking disgusting.

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Is it hot in here or are you just suffocating me in this relationship

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hey Herpes Go Away!

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When I said bitch, I meant it as a compliment...

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Baby, I'm no Flintstone, but I can sure make your bed rock...

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Guy: Have you ever seen a rhinoceros? Girl:No. Why? Guy: So you don't have a mirror in your house?

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I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

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M. you have a sweet pussy. W. WHAT!? M. Your cat, she is very friendly

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-Can I have your name? -Why? Don’t you already have one?

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-What would you say if I asked you to marry me? -Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

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-Go on ,don’t be shy. Ask me out. -Okay, get out.

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-Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? -Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

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-I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. -I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!