Do you like a trimmed bush? Because I'm a gardener. Here's my business card, call me, seriously I need the work.

thumb_up thumb_down +95

Hey baby wanna come back to my place? Goo-goo ga-ga

thumb_up thumb_down -2

This tux is rented by the hour, are you?

thumb_up thumb_down +24

Man: Hi ladies I am back for more if you know what I mean ;) Ladies: Get lost you damn hippie! The seventies are over! Man: Whaaat? I died for your sins you know! Moral: Ever heard of Jesus`s ladyfriends? There, now you see what I mean.

thumb_up thumb_down +63

Boy:can i go out with you? Girl: no

thumb_up thumb_down +40

My penis becomes hard and hard when I see your mom, but weak when I see you.

thumb_up thumb_down +90

MAN- Wanna have sex? WOMAN- No get away from me you freak?!!! MAN- Well... I gave you a choice...

thumb_up thumb_down +28

-If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together. -Nah, i already like it the way it is, with N and O beside each other

thumb_up thumb_down +23

A blond, a brunette and a black haired girl are all stuck on an island....stupid women.

thumb_up thumb_down -91

-I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. -I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

thumb_up thumb_down +205

A guy asks a girl in the bar if he can buy her a drink she denies saying that alcohol is bad for her legs the guy asks why do they swell? No. they spread.

thumb_up thumb_down -6

A: Did I see you walking out of that bar or was it an angel? :D B: I'm your mom you pervert.

thumb_up thumb_down +73

Guy: So do you wanna come over to my place? Girl: Not really but thanks for the offer.

thumb_up thumb_down +27

How much does a polar bear weigh? 1000 pounds

thumb_up thumb_down +12

Wanna go back to my place and watch some CarVideos?

thumb_up thumb_down -78

Man - Hey you're kinda pretty! Woman - Um thanks... Man - Whoa slow down! I said kinda.

thumb_up thumb_down +202

Man enters a bar... ORIGINALITY FOR THE PEOPLE! Man: Hey, wanna go to my place later? Woman: Ok Ronald McDonald but you gotta take of your costume first and... Man: What costume? I am Michael Ja.. Moral: Stop it right there! Its too early for jokes about uh... Michael J Fox... yeah him yeah... lets keep it that way...

thumb_up thumb_down -29

Hey baby. Do you drive a slug bug on a rainbow? If so, I'll drive.

thumb_up thumb_down +67

Guy: (Walks up to girl) "I do not think it is a girls body that makes her special, it is her personality that really counts". Girl: "Well that's to bad because you can't have sex with my personality". (Then walks away)

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Girl: Hi honey, wanna see a magic trick? Boy: Sure, why not? Girl -POOF- YOU'RE SINGLE!

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Ps: I was signing books today, and some douche asked me: Are you that Neronism dude on Horsehead? YOu suck! Anyway, Fuck Neronism. Nero (the other one and his "peeps" are fuckups. (Below: Well actually Tina said if my wife can join, just as my wife said yes... ...And you would think that screwing somebody else after asking your wife is immoral... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY WIFE BECAUSE OF WHO SHE IS? Its called trust people *cape flowing in the air moon in background* Trust! NeroMetal I play Street Fighter V, And am an author, and I guess I get laid a lot... AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NERONISM OR THAT OTHER ASSHOLE IS! I just called myself asshole...

thumb_up thumb_down -33

Roses are red, Violets are Blue, Dont talk to me, and I wont talk to you.

thumb_up thumb_down -72

He-Are you from Tennesse? Still He-Cu'z I wanna suck ur face off..

thumb_up thumb_down +28

-how much does a polar bear way. -half as much as you (for fat girls)

thumb_up thumb_down -140

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!