My wife does not know it but every time we have sex I put a dollar aside to go toward her Christmas present. So far she is getting a cup of coffee.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?

thumb_up thumb_down +24

How much does a whales weigh? How much? Just enough to make you look skinny.

thumb_up thumb_down -53

Me: Honestly, I just want to RAPING you. Woman: YES PLEASE! Me: Fuck off its not RAPING it its consensual... Moral: Yeah sometimes they say yes, its when they say no I become shadow made flesh... ...And wait for you... Am I here?... NOPE Ill get you rawr I will now stalk you silently for hours... days... Anyway im bored your nothing ... Moral: SAY YES YOU MUCKING MIDIOT!

thumb_up thumb_down +99

It rubs the lotion onto it's skin

thumb_up thumb_down -55

Guy: Hey would you like to dance? Girl: No! Guy: Oh come on! Don't be picky. I wasn't!

thumb_up thumb_down -9

It that a tsunami in your panties or are you excited to see me.. :)

thumb_up thumb_down -42

Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

thumb_up thumb_down +87

-Are you free anytime soon? -No. I'm very expensive

thumb_up thumb_down +58

Guy: Hey, I think you're really sweet... Girl: Aww, thanks Guy: Is that why you're so fat?

thumb_up thumb_down +26

- Did it hurt? - Yes.

thumb_up thumb_down +48

Hitler: Hey Mädchen, du bist Jude? Girl: What? Hitler: Ärmel hochkrempeln, ich brauche deine Nummer.

thumb_up thumb_down -127

Did it hurt? When I fell from Heaven? NO! WHen you were shot up from hell for stealing my pick up line!!!

thumb_up thumb_down +127

Q: How did the baby cross the road A: He was stapled to the chicken

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Is that a banana in your pants? Can I have yours?

thumb_up thumb_down -92

Roses are red Violates are blue Get in the van I have a gun.

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Hey baby, are you Star Trek? Because I watch you every night in the darkness.

thumb_up thumb_down +161

Man: Wanna come to my place? Woman: Maybe if you take of the ski-mask and black clothing... Man: But then you'll ruin the surprise! :(

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Him: I'd go through anything for you. Her: The exit's over there.

thumb_up thumb_down +40

"Hey did I not meet you at the singles and desperates club?"

thumb_up thumb_down +105

Hey :) Hi Do you like me? :) No :'( You never asked if i loved you... Awhhhh do you love me :) No

thumb_up thumb_down +43

- Hey, baby, what's your sign? - Do not Enter

thumb_up thumb_down +20

- I'd like to call you. What's your number? - It's in the phone book. - But I don't know your name. - That's in the phone book too.

thumb_up thumb_down +354

Male: Hey babe! Wanna come to my house for a party? Female: Sorry! Don't have my herpes shot!

thumb_up thumb_down +30

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!