- If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. - Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas, could i come between the holidays?

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Classic story time: Shit that happens out there. Girl: Omg that guy called you a douche! Go punch him! Or else my respect for you is gone. Man: Hey, you called me a douche right? Well... FALCOWN PAWNCH! Girl: Omg you are so violent, my respect for you is gone. Moral: Really, I am speechless... Its a lose/lose situation.

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Boy: Did it hurt? Girl: *sigh* Did what hurt? (Expecting him to say "When you fell from heaven") Boy: When you broke through the earths crust, ascending from hell.

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Hey ladies ;) I like to post lots of anti-pickuplines! ;) Girls: WOW! I WANNA JOIN YOU HOME! ME TOO ME TOO! The anti-part: This will never happen in real life.

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Girl: Do you know any good movies? Boy: Snakes on a plane Girl: Whats it about? Boy: It's about Horses.. on a boat.

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- I want to give myself to you. - Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

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Guy: Hi, I am sexually attracted to you. May I walk over to the bar and purchase you a drink and then another and then another untill you become intoxicated and more likely to allow me to have sexual intercourse with you? Girl: You speak funny. Get lost.

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- I know how to please a woman. - Then please leave me alone.

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Guy: Did you use Windex on your pants? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because I see myself in your pants.

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Those pants are very becoming on you, of course if i were on you id be cumming too.

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- Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason - Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

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Does anyone have a toothpick? I need to pick the crabs out of the cracks of my teeth.

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-I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included. -Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk.

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-There's a 'U' in beautiful. -Yeah, and there's a 'U' in ugly.

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- How do you like your eggs in the morning? - Unfertilized !

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Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought I was ugly, but then I met you

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Girl, you must have fallen from heaven...because you're dead.

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are you from tennessee? because your license plate said it.

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- Hey, baby, what's your sign? - Do not Enter

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M- Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? W- I'm an atheist.

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Female: You're hot! Male: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha get in the van.

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-My girlfriend and I want different things out of our relationship. -She wants marriage, children and a house. -I just want out.

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Male: I'd give her one Female: I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person on earth Male: I was rating you out of 10 you ugly bitch

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!