If i don't have sex in 30 seconds i'll have to kiss you

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Man: "Did you fall from heaven? 'Cause it looks like you landed on your face"

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-Do you mind if i smoke? -No. I dont even mind if you burn....

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Are you a speeding, aggressive driver? Because your running straight up my ass

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-I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. -I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

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Can I have this dance? Sure just give me a minute to load my gun

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I'm jealous of every girl that hugs you, Because for that one second she held my entire world.

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Babe your dad is an terorist because your a real bomb !!!

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*a guy and a girl meet at a bar and has a great conversation* girl - can I borrow your phone? I told my ex I'd call him when I found someone better. boy - sure, here you go *gives phone* girl - *silence* *after awkward phone call* boy - give me my phone back girl - you dont seem to get it do you... boy - give me my phone back girl - *silence* boy - GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK YOU BITCH *boy takes out a shotgun with him and repeatedly shoots girl* *girl dodges and takes a bazooka and aims for boy* *boy manages to get out of the bar* *boy installs bomb in center of bar* *boy leaves bar* *everyone attempts to get out of bar* *boy locks the door* boy - Yippie kai yay, moth- *explosion* *everyone dies* MORAL OF THE STORY - DO NOT GO INTO A BAR

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Hey, are you an angel? Because you smell like you've been dead for a while

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I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.-Rodney Dangerfield

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Guy: You look like a suitable mate and I'd thoroughly enjoy engaging in rough, sweaty sex with you and your lady parts.

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Man: Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? Woman: Did it hurt when they kicked-- *sound of gun clicking* Woman: Thanks!

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Man and girl talking: Girl: ARE YOU GETTING A HARDON? Man: You think I am a pervert or something? Of course not! Its just the hamster I keep between my ballsack!

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The word of the day is 'legs'. Wanna come to my place and spread the word?

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-I can see forever in your eyes. -But all I can see is never in yours.

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- Hey good looking, where've I seen you before? - I'm one of the nurses at the plastic surgery department. Want another visit?

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Are those space pants? Cause there's not enough space in my house to fit your ass.

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I AM FAGNETO! WELCOME TO GAY!

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Those must be space pants, because your ass is out of this world That must be a donkeys tongue, because its making an ass out of you.

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here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

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-You wanna get laid tonight? -You wanna never have sex again?

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Are you from Tennessee? Because your accent sounds stupid.

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Roses are red, something something, I am just too desperate to concentrate please let me just put it in you.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!