If you go out with me there might be some smegma in it for you.

thumb_up thumb_down +1

I'm heading back to my place. You want to come? Sorry, you strike me as a person who comes all by himself.

thumb_up thumb_down +294

If you were on a shelf at build a bear workshop ....... I would stuff you , except it wouldn't be with cotton

thumb_up thumb_down -30

Aww seriously dude? That would be awesome, gotta warn you though, this car repair dude, is really ripping my shirt off but you know, ill send you the bill. 666 (my phone is on the charger, get me a new one and ill write a fucking essay about my sisters ass and post it here I really need a phone)

thumb_up thumb_down +51

Are you a computer technician? Because you turn my hardware into software.

thumb_up thumb_down -33

-Excuse me do you know how much a polar bear weighs? -Enough to break the ice? -Ummm... yea... *silence*

thumb_up thumb_down +134

Hey baby, you like sea food? Because I've got crabs!

thumb_up thumb_down +302

Guy: want to hear a joke about my penis. don't worry, it's too long Girl: want to hear a joke about my vagina. don't worry, you won't get it

thumb_up thumb_down -52

-Good afternoon miss, would you care to try our new line of perfume? -Sure what's it called? -Chloroform...

thumb_up thumb_down -4

A polar bear and a penguin were taking a bath. The polar bear asked the penguin to pass the soap. the penguin responded by saying,"What do i look like a microwave?"

thumb_up thumb_down -62

- Is this seat empty? - Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

thumb_up thumb_down -501

- So what do you do for a living? - I'm a female impersonator.

thumb_up thumb_down +346

- Hey, baby, what's your sign? - Do not Enter

thumb_up thumb_down +22

-You must be tired, you've been running through my mind all day. -You look like a rapist.

thumb_up thumb_down +386

(in a loud club) -Do you wanna dance?! -Umm, with YOU? NO! -What?! oh no, i said, "you look FAT in those PANTS!"

thumb_up thumb_down -1,141

GET IN THE VAN!!!

thumb_up thumb_down -26

-Can I have your name? -Why? Don’t you already have one?

thumb_up thumb_down -563

-What would you say if I asked you to marry me? -Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

thumb_up thumb_down -210

Male: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U togather Female: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put F and U together.

thumb_up thumb_down +147

- I want to give myself to you. - Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

thumb_up thumb_down -794

-I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. -I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

thumb_up thumb_down +216

- I know how to please a woman. - Then please leave me alone.

thumb_up thumb_down -55

-There's a 'U' in beautiful. -Yeah, and there's a 'U' in ugly.

thumb_up thumb_down -929

Guy: What're you doing Friday night? Girl: Not you.

thumb_up thumb_down -10

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!