I walked into the pub last night with a date and said to the barman, "I'll have a pint of Guinness." My date immediately looked at me and said, "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Of course, how rude of me." I said, "I'll have a pint of Guinness PLEASE."

thumb_up thumb_down +28

Do you want to dance No I suppose a blow job is out of the question then

thumb_up thumb_down -18

Babe, you Jewish? cuz your on FIRE!

thumb_up thumb_down +134

What happend to the blue duck that had purple and pink stars on it ? Nothing happend to the blue dick that had purple and pink stars on it Wait A second...

thumb_up thumb_down +86

Girlfriend: you are much more naive when you are naked, and a small penis, no hair and are 23 years old

thumb_up thumb_down -105

-I know you want to ask me out. I am free anytime. -Ok, then go out.

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Excuse me, is your father a gardener? No. Why? Because he keeps leaving all his dry leaves on my sidewalk please tell him to clear it!

thumb_up thumb_down +47

My therapist says I should meet new people.

thumb_up thumb_down +10

Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd like to tap that ass.

thumb_up thumb_down +47

you know what rhymes with hug me LET'S HAVE SEX

thumb_up thumb_down

"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Yes. I ruptured my bowels upon impact."

thumb_up thumb_down +34

Man: I will make the rape on you now woman! Woman: Wow great Borat imitation bravo! Man: Borat who? *draws gun* Moral: Pretty immoral

thumb_up thumb_down +101

If your happy and you know it clap your hands!! What if I lost my hands in Nam while I was singing this song and a plane killed my friend causing me to ct off both of my hands?

thumb_up thumb_down -80

Guy: Do you like me? Girl: No Guy: ..... Girl: You didn't ask me if I loved you! Guy: Do you love me? :D Girl: No

thumb_up thumb_down -125

Nice hair, can I pull it?

thumb_up thumb_down -16

Stories from real life part whatever: Me as a twelve year old: Yeah I am incredibly experienced with girls, I mean I know I look very young for a eighteen year old man, but I consider it a advantage of mine... Seventeen year old girl: Really? You are eighteen? Me: Of course, besides II have had intercourse hundred of times, mostly with married women, I enjoy being their "guilty pleasure" Girl: I bet you haven't seen boobs like these though! *shows me boobs* Me: OMG! HOLY SHIT REAL BEEWBS! OMG HOLY CRAP THEY LOOK INCREDIBLE HOLY SHIT EVERYONE I JUST SAW REAL LIFE TITS! I am a winner! Last thing I remember was getting slapped several times and getting spit on, I was too damn happy to give a damn, I was victory. Moral: had you asked me if it worked by then id say "hell yes!", today I doubt it worked as well as it could have...

thumb_up thumb_down +33

Man: (puts on a stern face and mans up) Hey you random hoe, wanna have sex? Woman: Sigh... sure why not... at least you dont play games. Man: WHAT? IT WORKED? IT WORKEEEEED?! OMG truCKINg goD wOooooot wooooooot hell I aM gonna get laid tonight it finally worked yaehaieHeiAHEIHAIEHIAHE Wootowtowot I AM GONNA LOSE MY VIRGI... Woman: never mind, you are too noisy... Moral: Desperation... harder to hide than you think..

thumb_up thumb_down -21

What did the priest say to the rabbi? We are both religious figures at the head of our places of worship.

thumb_up thumb_down -24

http://scriptsbay.com http://scriptsbay.net

thumb_up thumb_down -21

-What's your favorite color? -bl... -mine too! Let's f***

thumb_up thumb_down -37

Hey babe wats ur sign Caution men at work

thumb_up thumb_down +101

You have a laugh like my favorite porn star.

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Let's not turn this rape into a murder..

thumb_up thumb_down -63

*At a concert* guy- hey if you were that drum set, i'd bang you on that stage all night

thumb_up thumb_down +137

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!