-Get in the Van

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I love Mark Wahlberg!

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"Are you a parking ticket?" "What?" "You’ve got fine written all over you"

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on a scale from 1 to 10, when did you lose your virginity?

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Would you like a free breast reduction consultation?

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A guy asks a girl in the bar if he can buy her a drink she denies saying that alcohol is bad for her legs the guy asks why do they swell? No. they spread.

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Is Heaven missing an Angel? Because I have an erection.

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Male: "Why does it feel like the most beautiful girl in the world is in this room?" Female: "Because you're here"

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- I want to give myself to you. - Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

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Man: Hey, I'm Red. You like to walk? Woman: No. I prefer to run. Away from you

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Male: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U togather Female: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put F and U together.

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- I'd like to call you. What's your number? - It's in the phone book. - But I don't know your name. - That's in the phone book too.

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- Your place or mine? - Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

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-What would you say if I asked you to marry me? -Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

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(in a loud club) -Do you wanna dance?! -Umm, with YOU? NO! -What?! oh no, i said, "you look FAT in those PANTS!"

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-I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. -I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

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-Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? -Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

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- So what do you do for a living? - I'm a female impersonator.

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Male: I would die for you... Female: Prove it

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- If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. - Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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- I know how to please a woman. - Then please leave me alone.

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-There's a 'U' in beautiful. -Yeah, and there's a 'U' in ugly.

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-Can I have your name? -Why? Don’t you already have one?

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- Is this seat empty? - Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!