- I can make your wildest dreams come true. - I know. I had this nightmare some creep wouldn't leave me alone...

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So I caught my sister masturbating the other day, it was like lol hahaha you filthy bitch! Then she was like DONT TELL ANYBODY PLEASE I WILL BUY YOU THOSE BOXING GLOVES YOU WANTED SO MUCH! PLEASE! And I was like, NUHUUUH! The bed is full of piss and I totally got this on my cellphone, so you gonna pull up your panti... Oh you still looking for them LOL! Yeah, that was the subject I brought up at a bar... Sober, unless Redbull counts as drunk... Anti Pickupline as FUCK! Players Dont Use RedBull -Richard Nixon or whatever.

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Man: Hey there cutie... what is your name? Woman: Eve... Man: Wanna hang out or something? Woman: Hell no you ugly bastard! I mean at least put on a leaf or something! God: "Facepalm". Moral: The ultimate pickup failure, in this alternative reality, it was also the last and only one. (plays twilight zone theme in your ears)

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Did you fall from heaven? Cause the ground around you looks like it's cracked.

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I want to F*** you with a rake.

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My greatest strength is my self-deprecating sense of humor, but its probably not worth getting to know me.

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here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

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Did it hurt? Did what hurt? When you fell from heaven.. and crushed all the people below (for a fat girl)

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My dog just died so now you're my only Bitch.

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Q: Where did Bethany hide the dead baby? A: In the trash can

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roses are red, violets are blue, i have some money, how much are you?

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guy: can i rape you? girl: No Guy: great that means any sex we have from now on is consensual, thanks

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Guy: Are you looking for a hot, sexy, fertile young man? Girl: No thanks, I used to be one.

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"You look like an angel that fell from heaven and hit its face on the pavement."

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Do you believe in angels? Cool, what about goblins?

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Business Y U No Advertise?

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Have you heard of that new movie "Other People"? Cuz thats what i wanna see.

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Skilled man enters a bar: Man: Lady, I am a scientist... Lady: So? Man: I also have black belt in several martial arts... Lady: Your point? Man: uh... I have uh... Lady: Sigh... *gets up and leaves* Moral: Knowing what and how to be attractive to women is an art on its own...

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You must have a large mass because i am highly attracted to you

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-Hi how are y... -just a minute, I need to drop a shit, be back in a sec.

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why can't a black person play baseball because the steal bases

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Do you work at Subway, because you're giving me a footlong. No actually, I once had a job at a local Quizno's Sub Shop. However a tragic fire killed several employees and customers at this very location. I survived, but lost have permanent Third-Degree burns across my body. My life is ruined, prick.

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If i don't have sex in 30 seconds i'll have to kiss you

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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you are absolutely beautifull...?? Her: (smiles) and says no.. Him: there is a good reaseon for that..

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!