-don't sit on the table, people eat there! -don't sit on that chair, people sit there!

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-Is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? -Do I look like a Time Lord? (Only Doctor Who fans will get that.)

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Mother: Fuck me son fuck me harder. Me: Mother no! My body is not ready aaaaaaaaaarghhh! Moral: Why do dreams have to stop when it gets good? Dont know son, ready for round two?

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Shall I compare you to a summer's day? Damn you're hot!

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Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma?

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Girl- Hey ily Boy- say it it just makes it that much better ;) Girl- I'm leaving you

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I'm jealous of every girl that hugs you, Because for that one second she held my entire world.

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Roses are red Violets are blue I'm using my hand but thinking of you ;)

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man: would u please me with a blowjob girl: cant u be romantic ? man: would please me with a blowjob at the sunset

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You have lovely eyes. They'll look better in a pile on my floor in the morning.

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Hey baby! If I said you had a good body, would you hold it against me? - [ It's unknown who originally said this. Maybe it was some rowdy guy in a 1970s disco].

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Man - I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away. Woman - Good cus' your breath stinks!

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Male: Do you know if there is an airport around here? Cause my heart took off, when I saw you... Female: Yeah? Well my heart crashed in the Hudson River when I saw you!

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Hey babe, how about my mom drives us to the comic book store in her Civic? I got a carseat with seat belts for two.

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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

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Is your dad a terrorist?? 'Cause you're a sex bomb.

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Do you come here often? Because you're usually working the streets whenever I see you.

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I hate you already.

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- Hey baby! You make my heart beat. - Oh, well you make my stomach churn.

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Are you from Tennessee? Because you're a fucking hillbilly.

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Man enters a bar... ORIGINALITY FOR THE PEOPLE! Man: Hey, wanna go to my place later? Woman: Ok Ronald McDonald but you gotta take of your costume first and... Man: What costume? I am Michael Ja.. Moral: Stop it right there! Its too early for jokes about uh... Michael J Fox... yeah him yeah... lets keep it that way...

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Man: Wanna hear a joke about my C*ck, nevermind, it's too long Woman: Wanna hear a joke about my P*ssy, oh wait you'll never get it Man: It's ok, it was probably too dirty for me anyways.

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The ability to speak with dead relatives but only whilst masturbating

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BOY: Are you a chicken? GIRL: Why? BOY: Because I'll like you to lay on my eggs all day...

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!