A man is pulled over by a police officer and a conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Steven. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Steven, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Steven, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

thumb_up thumb_down -64

Why was the little boy crying? Because he dropped his hamster in the garbage disposal

thumb_up thumb_down +85

Did you fall from heaven? Because, I believe in the afterlife.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Man: HELP! HELP! MY PENIS IS GONE! SOMEONE HELP ME FIND IT! Woman: OMG I am a nurse, we must find it before its too late! Where did you last see it? Man: It... it was around inside my pants somewhere... It should not be too hard to find it... cuz its pretty big...

thumb_up thumb_down -73

Guy: Hey is your dad a jeweler? Girl: No, He died a year ago due to a heart condition.

thumb_up thumb_down -95

-"Hey babe, you gotta nice ass!" -"Yep, and it doesn't like a rude one staring at it."

thumb_up thumb_down -115

Why did the small girl run away? She saw her own coqu in the mirror.

thumb_up thumb_down +32

Put the lotion on the skin!

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Superman: I bet I can bang you faster than the speed of light! Woman: OOOOH! OK DO IT! Superman... uh... I already did it 30 times already... "pant" "pant" Woman: uh... really? Uh... was I suppose to feel anythi... Moral: Since when has fast sex been good sex?

thumb_up thumb_down +10

boy - would you like to dance? girl - hell no! boy - I think you misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants. girl - That's why I said "Hell No!" girl - I'm trying to deny the fact that I look fat in my pants. boy - damnit! girl - Phew!

thumb_up thumb_down -20

Guy: You must put sugar in your cereal every morning... Girl: Why cause I am so sweet :) Guy: No because you haven't been able to see your toes in at least 20 years...

thumb_up thumb_down -28

Boy-Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl-Not until I heard that horrible pick-up line.

thumb_up thumb_down -64

Hey baby, I wanna solve your equation with longggg devision! ;)

thumb_up thumb_down -90

What's your sign? Slippery when wet.

thumb_up thumb_down +69

You allergic to semen?

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Boy- Did it hurt when you fell- Girl- From heaven?!? AWWW <3 Boy- No the whore tree when you banged every guy on the way down.

thumb_up thumb_down -19

"Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!" "My parole officer would go nuts!"

thumb_up thumb_down -95

Man: Oh crap I don't have a condom Woman: Don't worry I have one

thumb_up thumb_down +112

Hey girl, is your father in prison? Because if I was your father, I would be in prison.

thumb_up thumb_down +56

guy: wanna make some money? girl: Na, I do it for free, i'm offering free herpes

thumb_up thumb_down +30

- If i could rearange the alphabet i'd puit you and i together. - That's not necessary because N and O are already together.

thumb_up thumb_down +22

I might not be the best looking guy here but im the only one talking to you

thumb_up thumb_down +8

Guy: Do you wanna be the sun of my life? Girl: Ok sure Guy: Then go stand 13. billion miles away from me

thumb_up thumb_down -44

You're so hot, you should wear a burkha over your face.

thumb_up thumb_down -54

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!