Wife: I have a confession to tell you my wife said to me one day... Before we got together I was raped by a masked man and I really liked it. Me: I know.

thumb_up thumb_down -83

Girl: You look so happy, I am glad this is working out. Freud: Maaaaan I was just thinking about fucking my mom! Moral: Sickman Fraud.

thumb_up thumb_down +102

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I was born beautiful, But what the hell happened to you!

thumb_up thumb_down +46

Ps: I was signing books today, and some douche asked me: Are you that Neronism dude on Horsehead? YOu suck! Anyway, Fuck Neronism. Nero (the other one and his "peeps" are fuckups. (Below: Well actually Tina said if my wife can join, just as my wife said yes... ...And you would think that screwing somebody else after asking your wife is immoral... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY WIFE BECAUSE OF WHO SHE IS? Its called trust people *cape flowing in the air moon in background* Trust! NeroMetal I play Street Fighter V, And am an author, and I guess I get laid a lot... AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NERONISM OR THAT OTHER ASSHOLE IS! I just called myself asshole...

thumb_up thumb_down +18

are you a brush because you just swept me off my feet

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Did you fall from heaven? Cause you d*** sure look like a demon!

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Are you from Tennessee? Youre the only 10 i see, and im 59. I bet we could 69 beautifully.

thumb_up thumb_down -26

He: You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She: You are so handsome when you keep your mouth shut.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Guy: Hey babe, does the carpet match the drapes? Girl: How do you feel about hardwood?

thumb_up thumb_down -64

Let's not turn this rape into a murder..

thumb_up thumb_down -64

In the USA: Man: Hello, I am half Iraq and half Afghanistan, my name is Osama Bin Allah! Girl: Oh... Uh em... I do not mind you nor anything but, you are like uh... civilized and stuff right? Just asking! Man: Of course miss, so how many camels to get into your pussy? Girl: OMG! Man: WAIT YOU MISHEAR ME! I SAY HOW MANY CARAMELS TO GET INTO YOUR... never mind... Moral: USA discovers they do not have nuclear weapons and then gives them nuclear reactors?

thumb_up thumb_down +91

Hey girl, you a single mom I heard, I love that. Really? :D SURE! Hey just between us, how sexy are your kids on a scale from one to over nine thousand? Moral: Watch out ladies, I can only take care of so many of you... (you have kids? Meh, get lost,nothing personal, just you know... your kid)

thumb_up thumb_down +33

Man: What did you say this horrible machine did look like? Woman: It was terrible it was like a man sized yellow and red robot that shoot lasers! After I refused its offer to come home with him he shoot lasers and destroyed my house... buah ;( ;( Man: That is terrible! Despicable! We have to do something about this! Such a beautiful supermodel should never go trough such a terrible atrocity! Woman: Buah... sigh... sniff... I know... but it was terrible! Man: so so my lady... you can come live with me in my giant mansion and we can have a couple of drinks to calm your nerves and relax... ;) Woman: Thank you Mr.Stark... Man: Oh Just call me Iron Ma... I mean Tony!

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Boy: How much does a Polarbear weigh? Girl: How much? Boy: Just as much as me, hi my name is Ahron

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Seriously tho mah bebeh... Did you ask for a Pepsi or mah cocka-colah?

thumb_up thumb_down -13

he: hey,do you have a phone? she: yeah! why,do you want it? he: no,you should consider selling it and doing a plastic surgery with the money.

thumb_up thumb_down -17

excuse me my eyes are up here thats great........where are your nipples

thumb_up thumb_down -33

If your happy and you know it clap your hands!! What if I lost my hands in Nam while I was singing this song and a plane killed my friend causing me to ct off both of my hands?

thumb_up thumb_down -77

Man: Honestly! I am just desperate, and besides you are damn hot! Woman: Lets go to your place ;) Moral: This works, the anti-part is that no one will believe me nor try it themselves... Incredible how the easiest way is the least used...

thumb_up thumb_down +78

Did it hurt when you fell from the whore tree and banged every single guy on your way down?

thumb_up thumb_down +42

Male: Paper or plastic? Female: What? Male: Paper or plastic, you know, to put over your head.

thumb_up thumb_down -4

Woman: Hey is it true you black men have big penises? Black Man: Hell yeah woman! Mine is so big, its at least three times longer than my fist and at least 4 times as wide! Lets go get some hoe! Woman: Uh... well uh... its just that... uh... Moral: Be careful for what you wish for, when fantasy becomes reality... it may hurt....

thumb_up thumb_down -18

Male: It's super hard and long. Female: I have always been under the impression that the GED is relatively simple.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Boy: does your face hurt Girl: No. Why Boy Because it sure is hurting me

thumb_up thumb_down -48

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!