Man: I bet you havent seen a really big dick before ;) ;) Woman: No... but I have seen yours... The man proceeds to stare at the floor and leaves in shame...

thumb_up thumb_down +7

My therapist says I should meet new people.

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Your the penisbutter to my vagmite;)

thumb_up thumb_down +1

Is that a ladder in your tights or are you just a cheap whore?!

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Male: Hey do you wanna come back to my place? Female: Sorry i only sleep with dead bodies.

thumb_up thumb_down -15

Excuse me, is the red bike outside yours? Because it is parking illegally, I'll have to take your details so I can report you to the authorities...

thumb_up thumb_down -23

Man: Hey lady... you new here? I havent seen you around here before ;) Woman: Im your wife! >:/ Man: Which one of them? I have married so many sluts just to get sex with them... that I forget about...

thumb_up thumb_down -29

Man: Hey, you dont look that fucking ugly, wanna go home with me? mirror: *shatters* Moral: If your ugliness ever shatters your mirror let me know, ill look at it and it will assemble itself back on its own.

thumb_up thumb_down -51

For you that think your family are too overprotective when it comes to sex, this was my story as a teenager. Mom: Hi guys! Me and ladyfriend: Hi mom! This is my ladyfriend: (insert your name if you are female) Dad: Woho! Good catch son! *claps me on shoulder* Mom: Dont worry, you guys just go right up and "study" eh ;) eh ;) and we are gonna put the music REALLY LOUD down here! And there is no need to be ashamed of stains nor anything. Dad: No we understand ;) ;) ;) Girl: Uh... you invited me just to study right? Me: Believe it or not I did... Dad: Yeah you two young ones go study! Remember condom though! ;) Girl: Axel! WTF?! *leaves* Me: Mom.. Dad! WTF!? I dont know anything about algebra (not even to this day, and I am almost 30) Dad: Algebra eh? ;) Next time give her a good "algebra". Me: Mom tell that moron tha... Mom: Relax son, I understand that you boys have desires and the next time you take her with you, you dont need to be ashamed or come up with excuse.. Me: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Moral: To believe I learned most my ways by having ladyfriends... despite my parents... Mom and Dad overprotective? Good... trust me!

thumb_up thumb_down -69

(in a bar) Guy: Know how to play any instruments? Girl: No...but I wanna learn. Can you teach me? Guy:Sure..ever heard of the skin flute? Girl: (unaware) No. Can you teach me to play it? Guy: Sure, I can. :) (The girl leaves with the guy as he looks over his shoulder and winks with the thought of getting laid)

thumb_up thumb_down -71

Woman: Hey hot stuff! Are you new around he... Man: Eh, I am not comfortable with women hitting on me, even hot ones like you, its just uh... awkward and... Woman: uh sorry, its not like I was hitting on you nor anything ;), Why dont you hit on me? Man: Uh... I err.. how you... uh... *the guy proceeds to stare at the floor for the next five minutes then runs out crying* Moral: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!

thumb_up thumb_down -79

Man: Honestly! I am just desperate, and besides you are damn hot! Woman: Lets go to your place ;) Moral: This works, the anti-part is that no one will believe me nor try it themselves... Incredible how the easiest way is the least used...

thumb_up thumb_down +90

Hey ladies ;) I like to post lots of anti-pickuplines! ;) Girls: WOW! I WANNA JOIN YOU HOME! ME TOO ME TOO! The anti-part: This will never happen in real life.

thumb_up thumb_down +62

- How 'bout we go to your place and take a shower together? - I think my husband and little baby would get a kick out of that!

thumb_up thumb_down +26

As original as things get: Pickup in the future! Android: Greetings Alpha six zero zero,requesting access code for insertion of my intercourse-D.I.C.K card into your V.A.G 2.0 intercourse receiver! Another Android: Access granted Zero six nine eight, engaging card...System! Deactivate mini-android production systems and engage cooldown systems to avoid critical overheats, lubricate essentials for easy access, I have no entry code, engage at once! Moral: I honestly thought it would end up in failure, but damn androids are easy!

thumb_up thumb_down -6

excuse me my eyes are up here thats great........where are your nipples

thumb_up thumb_down -30

Why are peploe gieving me thums up al of soodden? Moral: Its scawwy, normally the moral is what protects my genius comments from getting thumbed up.

thumb_up thumb_down -52

Man: Your rejections cannot hurt me! Im the JuggernautBitch! *grabs couch* WHOAAAAAAAAAARGH! Woman: *dead* Man: Jugs got jugs! Hey wake up bitch! HEY! I said wake up!... Moral: Works every time

thumb_up thumb_down +21

HE: You must have some hot buns. SHE: Yeah? HE: Cause you got a real butterface to go with them.

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Every breath you take Every move you make Every bond you break Every step you take I'll be watching you Every single day Every word you say Every game you play Every night you stay I'll be watching you

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Man enters bar: Man: is there any... I mean ANY woman that would not instantly reject me here? If there is, I would like her... or in worst case scenario, HIM that she/he is very special to me and has the most beautiful eyes ever... THANK YOU

thumb_up thumb_down -25

Girls hate me, they always discuss about how they regret fucking with me over and over again. Moral: Thumb me down, I know ya love me.

thumb_up thumb_down -27

Hey girl, you must have fallen from heaven, because you're so old you should have died already and so ugly that they must have kicked you out as soon as you got there.

thumb_up thumb_down +84

you look like my mother

thumb_up thumb_down +76

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!