Husband: Honey, I heard that when you die, you come back as a different creature! Wife: Really!? I want to come back as a cow!! Husband: You're obviously not listening.

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Monday went by and he didn't see her Tuesday was the same Wednesday came and the swelling had finally gone down for him to make his wife out

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Man: Do you work at Subway? Girl: Why? Did I just give u a 6 inch?

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Guy: Roses are red Violets are blue Girl:Violets aren't blue there violet... dumbass read a book

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Man: DTF Cutey? Woman: DTF off Asshole?

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Hi there, the voices in my head are telling me to talk to you.

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"Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material." "I'm vegan."

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- How 'bout we go to your place and take a shower together? - I think my husband and little baby would get a kick out of that!

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Male: Want to hear a story about my d--k? Nevermind, it's too long. Female: Want to hear a story about my vagina? Nevermind, you won't get it.

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boy: hey wanna hang out some time?! girl: O MY GOD! r u hannah montanna?!

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-You're fat! -No I'm not. -You will be, when my dick is in you

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Are your legs tired? cuz ive got a raging boner and need to get rid of it

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Girl: Hi honey, wanna see a magic trick? Boy: Sure, why not? Girl -POOF- YOU'RE SINGLE!

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Boy : Gurle: hi

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guy: you're so beautiful, did you fall from heaven? girl: if I was I would be dead by now hun?

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there is a 50% chance that we make s** tonight from my side i agree

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Mario: Its a me Mario! Woman: Uhuh... Mario: Its a me Mario? Woman: Yeah you got a point? Mario: Okey dokey! Woman: So? Mario: Letsa go! Woman: Well okay, I mean *chews bubblegum* at least I know who you are and stuff... Moral: I once saw a red mushroom come out of a question block, so I just touch it with my Richard and... ...Wait ill take the green one, just in case, I good with what I have...

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Man: If I were to rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together Woman: So, all you want to do is make MANJUICE? you disgust me...

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Roses are red, violets are blue. When I take a shit I think about you bitch *flushes the toilet*

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Why are you crying? I have to walk out these woods alone!

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Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

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I really should start saying "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

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He: You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She: You are so handsome when you keep your mouth shut.

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Man - I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. Woman - Not mine!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!