A man comes home from his doctor and tells his wife that he only has 12 hours to live so he asks his wife later that night if they can do it one last time she agrees but after an hour the man wakes his wife and says honey in a few hours I will be dead can we do it again please. So they do it again a few hours later the man wakes his wife again and says dearest since I'm going to die soon can we please? to this the wife says look honey tomorrow I have to get up you don't!

thumb_up thumb_down +88

Roses are red, violets are blue. When I take a shit I think about you bitch *flushes the toilet*

thumb_up thumb_down +78

H3LL0 Girls, You need some THERAPEY? Call Nero The Moralman For A qualified TheRapist. The number? You wont get it, so then you will go mad with lust and need therapey Moral: Ooooh... I says ANTI Pickup line... Whats that? More Moral: Nothing is immoral! Everything is Moral MORAL MAN!

thumb_up thumb_down +46

my girlfriend is really insecure about her weight so much so that I'm thinking about detaching the reverse alarm

thumb_up thumb_down -76

The word of the day is ass, lets go upstairs and observe the word.

thumb_up thumb_down +117

- you're so fat! - I know you are, but what am I? -awwww, thanks man!!! -I didn't mean it like that!

thumb_up thumb_down -29

Man enters bar: Man: is there any... I mean ANY woman that would not instantly reject me here? If there is, I would like her... or in worst case scenario, HIM that she/he is very special to me and has the most beautiful eyes ever... THANK YOU

thumb_up thumb_down -31

i'm a doctor.... maybe i can fix that thing you call a face

thumb_up thumb_down -43

WHEN I ACTUALLY DIE SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET REALLY HAUNTED. Originally Posted at: Collection of Funny WhatsApp Status

thumb_up thumb_down -45

Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get to the other side.

thumb_up thumb_down -71

Man: hey... you seem pretty paralytic and unable to move in that wheelchair ;) Woman: uh oh...well actually I can move a bit... Man: Good because I do not wanna do ALL the thrusting back and forth... Woman: Bu.. but... I... I do not want to... Man: Well if you do not want sex, then just run away... ;) FATALITY... FLAWLESS VICTORY... RAPEALITY!

thumb_up thumb_down +18

Girl, wanna fuck rite now? Sure! Man! You are such a hoe! *walks away disgusted* Moral: Be careful for what you ask for.

thumb_up thumb_down +8

Lol, again I am on a adrenaline... well let me be subtle... GANGBANGING WITH ANAL, PUSSY, TWO GIRLS FIGHTING OVER ONE COCK (Ladies there is enough down there to share)... ...Anyway, it reminds me of when I was 21, and I was like "You know what? Threesomes and that kinda stuff is nice and all, but I am a grown up now and... ...TSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs Today I am 32, Married, (Hey my wife is into stuff, so its not cheating if she is the one enjoying while I videotape sometimes okay? (Never on cam, you crazy? You cant sell that shit! Okay I am kidding, the collection is personal) Ps: Seriously girls, one thing is that you smear yourself with my cumshots okay? But Hugging me afterwards? DATS SICK! (Name is Nero, I am not black, I am Hispanic, Latino Sexy... Well, actually when I take a look in the mirror I go, "meh well some guys got the looks"... ...I wont lie though, either my looks dont matter shite, or girls really like it...

thumb_up thumb_down -66

If you were a booger i'd pick you first. -that, is fucking disgusting.

thumb_up thumb_down +49

Man: Are you a beach? Cause I'm sure there's a lot of crabs crawling around down there

thumb_up thumb_down +15

Girl, did it hurt when you got dragged up all the way from hell? Moral: The hell with morals!

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Yeah, because I landed on a mailbox, and hit the area between my legs really hard. It's a mess down there. Blood everywhere. And something's oozing, but I don't know what the liquid coming out is. *person who spoke first runs away. bystanders laugh*

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Man: I would kill anyone at anytime for a kiss from you. Woman: Kill yourself now.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Whenever I look at stars I think of you... Because your only beatiful from a distance.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Boy- Didi it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl-Not until i saw you.

thumb_up thumb_down -15

Girls hate me, they always discuss about how they regret fucking with me over and over again. Moral: Thumb me down, I know ya love me.

thumb_up thumb_down -21

There must be an angel missing from Heaven, because I've got it tied up in my basement. (It keeps saying something about a fancy dress party, but I'm not falling for that one again; that's how Batman escaped.)

thumb_up thumb_down +104

MAN: You wanna know what's beautiful? Read the first word again. WOMAN: You wanna know what's desperate? Read the first word again!

thumb_up thumb_down +42

Hey girl, is your father in prison? Because if I was your father, I would be in prison.

thumb_up thumb_down +40

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!