I walked into the pub last night with a date and said to the barman, "I'll have a pint of Guinness." My date immediately looked at me and said, "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Of course, how rude of me." I said, "I'll have a pint of Guinness PLEASE."

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Girl, if your body was for sale... ...ID BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR! Moral: Thank you Robocop.

thumb_up thumb_down -19

You stole my heart..... Don't worry, i have three more back home in my freezer.

thumb_up thumb_down -67

man: wanna know how i know we're going to f**k tonight? woman: how? man: cuz im stronger than you!

thumb_up thumb_down -105

Violets are blue. Roses are red. Your window was open. I'm under your bed.

thumb_up thumb_down +42

Where have you been all my life?! Said the 78 year old alzheimers patient to his teary eyed wife of 50 years.

thumb_up thumb_down -42

Male: Hey do you wanna come back to my place? Female: Sorry i only sleep with dead bodies.

thumb_up thumb_down +1

Miss excuse me but... Moral: Admitt it fucker, you cant pick up a girl by apolgizing for whatever you are gonna do beforehand. GIMME FIVE! (red thumbs, red is the color of love or something)

thumb_up thumb_down -1

What did the blond do when the web page she was visiting didn't load? She checked if her wireless access had been somehow cut off and then hit the refresh button and waited for the page to load again.

thumb_up thumb_down -41

I really should start saying "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Boy: did it hurt when you fell from heaven Girl: I'm a antsiest

thumb_up thumb_down +25

A couple wanted to try something different in the bedroom, The wife suggests they do it in a 69 position so they get into position but the wife lets one off in the husbands face she apologises and they try again when the wife farts again the husband gets up to leave and says no I don't think I can do this another 67 times!

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Losers pick-up sex guide. 1. Create a beautiful environment at home, with candles, romantic music, etc. 2. Buy lube, some sexy female underwear, a couple of sex toys, some erotic magazines to excite you`re partner. 3. Pick-up you`re stuff and masturbate.

thumb_up thumb_down -21

Girl: If you was a rollercoaster...I'd ride you all day long.. Guy: What? Am I not big enough for you now...why can't you just be happy with me... =_= Girl: : / I was tring to be all sexy in a cute way... Guy: Pfft. FREAK... e_e

thumb_up thumb_down -25

Your the penisbutter to my vagmite;)

thumb_up thumb_down -29

guy: you're so beautiful, did you fall from heaven? girl: if I was I would be dead by now hun?

thumb_up thumb_down -39

- So, wanna go back to my place? - Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? -That depends on the size of the rock. -You don't really get it, do you? -Get what?

thumb_up thumb_down +50

- Professor Dumbledore, where are we? - You're dead, stupid. Snape trolled you.

thumb_up thumb_down -4

Lets play the Yes/No game the rules are you can only say yes or no once to the questions, No. 1 Are you beautiful?, No.2 Are you Lying?

thumb_up thumb_down -14

Boy: You remind me of the ocean Girl: Because I'm mysterious, adventurous, and romantic? Boy: No, because you make me sick

thumb_up thumb_down -18

Are you from hogwarts, because I really want to put my basilisk into your chamber of secrets

thumb_up thumb_down -24

You're so hot, you should wear a burkha over your face.

thumb_up thumb_down -30

As original as it gets: Domestical... Dog with a top hat and monocle: Yap Yap! *wiggles tail* woof woof! Dog?: MEOW!! HISS! *scratches dog and throws her drink at his face or you know... something that increases dramatic tension* and leaves. Dog: HOWL! *whimpers* :( *throws top hat away* Moral: They say every dog has his day, but I do not think this relationship was never meant to work out :(

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Hey girl, you must have fallen from heaven, because you're so old you should have died already and so ugly that they must have kicked you out as soon as you got there.

thumb_up thumb_down +105

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!