Excuse me, does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?

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-Are you a dementor? Cuz you just took my breath away... -Expecto Patronum!!!

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Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

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*When you get her to your place* I'm just going to be honest. I've been on the FBI's most wanted list for quite some time now.

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Hey, are you an angel? Because you smell like you've been dead for a while

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who wants to play EPAR

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Pooh... my my... it sure its fucking cold outside, I have cooled down now, excuse me while I get back to... My well... Je ne sais quoi... Allright, foursome sex! There you got it, thumb this bitch down because I dont like bragging, but these girls dared me to do it, and we all gotta provide and share ;) Moral: I am the only man of course feck! The alternative is disguting!

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Man:Hey, do you know what chloroform smells like? Woman:No. Man:Well, you're about to find out.

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Do you believe in love at first hear? Because ive never dated a blind chick before.

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I lost my Nobel prize, can you help me find it?

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Roses are red, violets are blue I thought I was ugly, but then I met you

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- You're so hot, that if you ate a piece of bread, you'd poop out toast! -You're so cold that if you drunk a glass of water, you'd poop out ice.

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Chick:- Don't worry, we all get nervous when we meet people. My brother: yeah, but my buttcrack gets sweaty & smelly when i get nervous!

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How much do you like peanut butter?

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If i could rearrange the alphabet, id violate your ass hole.

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Drunk guy with high standards part 3: Man: Dunno woman... you are so big and... and... FAT and really huge and stuff but... well... uh.. you are still really damn hot so lets do it! Man: YAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Astronauts: Did that guy really eject himself towards the sun? Moral: At least he was right about the really hot part... and that ladies and gentlemen, is the terrible end of the amazing drunk man with high standards, you can read the whole series just by clicking onwards trough my comments and give em a thumbs ups just as you go along.. otherwise they will show up... mean they wo..

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What do u get when u mix a black a guy and an octopus The best dam cotton pickin machine you'll ever see!

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Guy: I believe in women's rights. That's what women deserve. Girl: Oh really? Because I was just gonna go make you a sandwich and get in bed with you, but I guess not...

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From 1 to America how free are your tonight? North Korea

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So you want tonight to be consensual or not?

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Your breast is like a beer holder, you would allow me to store beer in between your breasts, while I talk on the phone

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Would you like to come home with me you wetback spic?

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn't it's fine the way it is

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I hope you like trees because I've got wood!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!