Shall I compare you to a summer's day? Damn you're hot!

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I'm jealous of every girl that hugs you, Because for that one second she held my entire world.

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Moral man enters a bar and spots a sad girl. MMan: Why so sad? Lady: My father died... MMan: And you want him to see you sad, from wherever he may be? Lady: No but how am I supposed to be happy about it? MMan: Remember the happy days you spent, because they are many more than the days you will see his gravestone, and if nothing else, we can always keep those alive within our heart happily, as long as we are happy in OUR heart... Moral: I would have called this meaningless bull before, but this is a true story, and those words are the reason I just celebrated my two year anniversary with my girlfriend, the most amazing girl ever... which just sang out of joy btw... I may be different... but if a man can keep those he loves happy, he is indeed a true man... Ok now she wants to know what I am typing, so I say nothing and put this self brag away, because I share with you, but heck, what am I? Somekind of romantic? Answer: Meh, I am the ever lovable jerk you may not like, but cant stop loving once you know me either... The anti-part? Dunno, dont care :D

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If you go out with me there might be some smegma in it for you.

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Man: "Are you a parking ticket? 'Cos you have fine written all over you!" Woman: "Are you an a**hole? 'Cos you're hairy and you smell like s**t!"

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if i was a fly, i'd be all over you, because you are the SHIT.

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Hey babe, where've you been all my life. Well let's see, I used to live up north in Newcastle then I moved to Liverpool and I'm just down here in London for one day on work.

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Man and girl talking: Girl: ARE YOU GETTING A HARDON? Man: You think I am a pervert or something? Of course not! Its just the hamster I keep between my ballsack!

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-Can I have your name? -Why? Don’t you already have one?

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male: hey i like you can i have your number female: what number? male: your pin number i want your money

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Is that a banana in your pants? Can I have yours?

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- Do you have the time? - Sure, if you have the place!

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Man: "Did you fall from heaven? 'Cause it looks like you landed on your face"

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You like peanuts? Cause I like penis.

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Hey, you want a ride?

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I right next to each other. You say that you want me? Well don't what you come for!!

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Me noob days the triology... Or something like that. Girl: So you looking for company or sex or something? Me: Something like that. Girl: Cool because you see my friend over there, he is gay too and...*breaking bad Doc tells Walter he has cancer sound* Last time I painted my nails black just because IT LOOKED FUCKING AWESOME OKAY!

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Use it next time you put your d**n make-up on.

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"I prefer animals... but your so ugly you remind me of my dog"

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You have lovely eyes. They'll look better in a pile on my floor in the morning.

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Would you like to be the lone mother of my children?

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Haven't we met somewheer before? Yes, son.

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Women love it when you kiss their neck. Just not while they are driving and while you're in the back seat and when they don't know you...

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You're like a star in the sky. Nothing but gas.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!