I told my wife I met someone who looked just like her she asked Was she gorgeous I didn't know what to say.

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Hi there, stand still, hmm, hmm... Well, your tits are firm, lets feel up ya pussy too huh? Then your... other thingie... Why you runnin? Moral: Believe in stuff!

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him: why are you so gorgeous? her: i dont know i guess my parents had some really good sex.

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Were your parents chemists? cuz you look like TEST TUBE BABY :D

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Male: If you were a booger, I'd pick you first. Female: If you were an ass, I would kick you first.

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How much does a polar bear weigh? Not as much as my dick.

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(in a loud club) -Do you wanna dance?! -Umm, with YOU? NO! -What?! oh no, i said, "you look FAT in those PANTS!"

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He says "Where have you been all my life" She says "Hiding from you....how the hell did you find me?"

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- Yo baby can I have your number? - Sure! My number is one *sticks up middle finger*

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Why are you crying? I have to walk out these woods alone!

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-I heard you broke up :). -Yes, cookies to put in my ice cream!

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- Your place or mine? - Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

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I'm jealous of every girl that hugs you, Because for that one second she held my entire world.

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guy: ermm...i like blondes ;) ima blonde too...we r a perfect dumb blonde match!!!! girl: yeah but im the dumb one in this situation. and have u taken a look in the mirror lately?!?! guy: yeah...well...uhh...maybe.........no not really... girl: well first of all you got pimples the size of mars, you have cross-eyes, you nose is bigger than squidwards nose, and let me see ur d!ck...now!!!! guy: oooh getting right to the point!!! i like it *unzips his pants and pulls out his nub* girl: uhh well u aint got no point, it looks like ur point just broke... guy: well midgets cant help it!!!!!!!!! dont judge my falses!!!!!! girl: okayy...besides theres wayyy too much to judge...no point...ur a complete waste of my timee!!!!!!!! now go watch porn and see if it grows a little bigger than his little nub u got.

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Hey I used to be a man, but I'm pretty horny.

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You have lovely eyes. They'll look better in a pile on my floor in the morning.

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Ay girl, those jeans make your ass look fat. Now I'ma get you pregnant while you make breakfast.

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Me: Honestly, I just want to RAPING you. Woman: YES PLEASE! Me: Fuck off its not RAPING it its consensual... Moral: Yeah sometimes they say yes, its when they say no I become shadow made flesh... ...And wait for you... Am I here?... NOPE Ill get you rawr I will now stalk you silently for hours... days... Anyway im bored your nothing ... Moral: SAY YES YOU MUCKING MIDIOT!

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-Go on ,don’t be shy. Ask me out. -Okay, get out.

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I hate you already.

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At a cemetery: Girl: This place is so creepy at night... I should have left sooner... Man: RAWRGH! BRAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!!!! Girl: EEEEEEEEEEEEK! (runs away) Man *takes off makeup and fake blood* Man; Well, I guess that did not work... Moral: If they dont like you while you are alive, there are always un-dead options...

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- Hey, baby, what's your sign? - Do not Enter

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Boy: Do u have a pen? Girl: Yeah, here Boy: Umm..its out of ink Girl: What? Boy: It doesn't work Girl: R u sure? Boy: Don't believe me? Fine, u try it... Go on, write your cell phone number right here....

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-hey baby wanna get a drink? -no but i wanna get the heck away from you

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!