"Hey girl, is there a mirror in your pants?" "No, that's just my penis."

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You must be a parking ticket. Because you are dressed like i'd have to pay.

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what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?

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Man: There is a U and I in beautiful Woman: Ya, but there is only a U in ugly

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Roses are red Violets are blue I have a gun Get in the van

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Is it hot in here or are you just suffocating me in this relationship

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Dating post: "Nice male looking for female company, I have a steady job and would prefer if you too had a job, you will be particularity happy if you have a small penis fetish. Signed BIGPENIS19INCHESJIMlight sleeper

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Hey are you on your period? Because I've been following you and I've noticed there's a blood stain on your ass...

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I also got a phd. Awesome in what? Uh wait, is phd and std the same? Wait I mean... Moral: Just leave you dont want to find out the wrong way.

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Guy: If you look at your keyboard, you see U and I together. Girl: Look underneath. It says JK.

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Are you from hogwarts, because I really want to put my basilisk into your chamber of secrets

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"Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes." "They always say that before they go to sleep."

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He - Nice shoes. She - Thanks. He - But i think they would look better in my pants.

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*At a concert* guy- hey if you were that drum set, i'd bang you on that stage all night

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My dog just died so now you're my only Bitch.

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Lol, lucky you that this piece of shit site worked so fast for you huh DAD? Fine, I need no essay on her ass, my firm (well where I work at the top of the foodchain lets be modest here) sponsors all Samsung phones, so seriously ill get you the most expensive one I can find (its free, ill just tell them I need an extra one for, calling, but just for you, if you tell anybody else, ill just slash your tires. Man, I hate HATE sounding nice because I am not, but you can have that damn Fiat something (black car) that I bought from my ex, you take that instead? You still owe me the cash, but the car is yours (I never use it, and its you know... Bad, but still ten thousand times better than your car. Moral: Me? I just cant bother using my wives phone in order to call myself and find my own damn phone, so if you read this, you are golden. Oh, and if you want that piece of shit car of yours (cant even tell the brand can you? Seriously tell me) then you can have the damn money, but no paintjob, that car is, and must look like the trash it is. AMEN? Jk, Fuck Amen. Finally, so you want one with Keyboard attachment or one with keyboard embedded into the screen? The ones with the keyboards are usually a bit more pricey, but man, some of them suck ass, still I can get you like the one I got for business (yeah we gotta use fucking Samsung phones it pays well though) And forget your damn car tires, XD Im laughing here, some could steal those dirty flat pieces of shit, and you would be driving without noticing shit my whigga XD.

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- Did it hurt? - Yes.

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The ability to speak with dead relatives but only whilst masturbating

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-If you are looking at a girl and she says What are you looking at? -I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.

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I love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.

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I really should start saying "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

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Why did the boy have no friends? Because he was autistic.

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Excuse me, does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?

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-Hey comon baby dont be shy give me a little BlowJob -sorry im alergic to peanuts....

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!