I'm heading back to my place. You want to come? Sorry, you strike me as a person who comes all by himself.

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- You must be a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you - You must be a wellfare check then.

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Moral man enters a bar and spots a sad girl. MMan: Why so sad? Lady: My father died... MMan: And you want him to see you sad, from wherever he may be? Lady: No but how am I supposed to be happy about it? MMan: Remember the happy days you spent, because they are many more than the days you will see his gravestone, and if nothing else, we can always keep those alive within our heart happily, as long as we are happy in OUR heart... Moral: I would have called this meaningless bull before, but this is a true story, and those words are the reason I just celebrated my two year anniversary with my girlfriend, the most amazing girl ever... which just sang out of joy btw... I may be different... but if a man can keep those he loves happy, he is indeed a true man... Ok now she wants to know what I am typing, so I say nothing and put this self brag away, because I share with you, but heck, what am I? Somekind of romantic? Answer: Meh, I am the ever lovable jerk you may not like, but cant stop loving once you know me either... The anti-part? Dunno, dont care :D

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Girl: Are you a doctor? Because I think I have the flu. *sneeze*

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M: What's your name? W: Jenny. M: What's your number? W: eight-six-seven-five-three-oh-ni-yie-yen

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-I better drive you home, miss. Because you're a woman and you can't drive. Get it?

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-If I take you home, will you iron my clothes and make me a sandwich?

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-What would you say if I asked you to marry me? -Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

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- hey ;) - hey, yourself. - if i wanted my comeback, i would've wiped it off your mom's face.

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You're place or mine? Both, you go to yours and I go to mine.

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Don't worry, I love fat birds....why are you crying?

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Oh hotness I wanna bang you!

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Guy: Hey babe, do you have a GPS... I'm lost in your eyes. Girl: Make a U-Turn

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is your name macaulay culkin? cuz you're going home alone.

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Hey, nice shoes..... Wanna F***?

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Dude: Did you fart? Girl: No Dude: Oh I'm sorry because you blew me away

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- Hey good looking, where've I seen you before? - I'm one of the nurses at the plastic surgery department. Want another visit?

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Baby, I love every muscle in your body... Especially mine.

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Those must be space pants, because your ass is out of this world That must be a donkeys tongue, because its making an ass out of you.

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" Grab your coat love ...it's cold in my basement"

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Give me some sugar... honey.

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Damn girl did you just come from the dump? Cause you smell like shit.

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He: How do you like your eggs in the morning? She: Unfertilised!

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I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!