-How much do you love me? -Count the stars in the sky and you'll know. -But it's the morning. -Exactly.

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If you were a Pokemon I'd choose you!

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Drunken man: Hey sexy ;) what is such a pretty thing doing in this shitty place? wanna come home with me? Nun: I am a nun! And this is a church! Drunken man: I know dammit im not THAT drunk... so what do you say? Nun: Uh... okay...

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M: Wanna play dynamite? W: what's that? M: I lie on my back and you blow the sh** out of me.

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Guy: If you look at your keyboard, you see U and I together. Girl: Look underneath. It says JK.

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I really should start saying "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

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What do you get when you cross a chicken with glue? My d***

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Guy: Hey would you like to dance? Girl: No! Guy: Oh come on! Don't be picky. I wasn't!

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A 85 year old man was at a bar, he goes up to the first hot thing he sees and asks do I come here often?

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what goes up and down , side to side all the time? a compass get your mind out of the gudder.

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I was born beautiful, But what the hell happened to you!

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What's your favorite condiment? Mine's mayonaise.

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Are you from tennessee? Cuz it looks like your missing some teeth.

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I am sick of pretty girls, I want something sick smelly disgusting, fat or anorexic, with a personality that kills flowers and that makes me vomit... I guess you will have to do for now. :( Moral: At least she was not the perfect match huh? Always look at the bright side of eternal darkness.

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- I'd do anything for you. - Die.

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Man: DTF Cutey? Woman: DTF off Asshole?

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Boy : Gurle: hi

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Guy: Roses are red Violets are blue Girl:Violets aren't blue there violet... dumbass read a book

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Me about four years ago: Girl: So what do you do? Me: I am an author. Girl: Cool! So like what do you write and stuff? Me: I am on my third book I am writing for Tom Clancy. Girl: Get outta here! You are so full of shit! This kinda happened a lot of times actually. ...Its true, then he died, now I am trying to rewrite the whole piece of crap into science fiction, yeah! Come sue me CLANCY! Do you think ANYBODY thought that you could write like 732 books a year? (Even though they where pieces of shit, I would know, mine are still the worst rated, but not worst selling because I dont know)

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-If I take you home, will you iron my clothes and make me a sandwich?

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Girl- Hey ily Boy- say it it just makes it that much better ;) Girl- I'm leaving you

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Put the lotion on the skin!

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You look like a dog... Wana bone?

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Man and woman in bed: Man: You know I am somewhat a deviant right? Woman: Sure but I am drunk so lets just do it.. Man: I AM SO GONNA BANG YOU! (Man throws dynamite at woman) Woman: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUU Moral: BANG INDEED... case closed.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!