- Hey, I have 40 minutes to live and need to feel the touch of a woman to live. -I'm a dude.

thumb_up thumb_down -14

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive....?

thumb_up thumb_down +17

Girl! you are almost as awesome as horsehead network! Moral: I got balls of steel!

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?

thumb_up thumb_down +36

jack sanders

thumb_up thumb_down -69

#1 You're breath smells like Skittles, can I taste the rainbow? No, because , while mine may smell like Skittles, yours reeks. #2 Girl: Hey, I got this new Kiss Proof lip gloss, wanna try it out? (there are 2 answers to this) 1.Boy: Well, yours may be Kiss Proof, but mines not, and I don't have time to re-apply this after 2. Yeah, I do want to try it out, but not with you.

thumb_up thumb_down +65

At a bar (for originality`s sake :P) Man: Hello would you want to come home with me and uckucukucekcuah cough... AAAAAARRrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh (dies of heart attack) Woman: Wow that was an original line, ok ill come home with you... err... hello... uh... is everything okay? Moral: Despite this "joke" death is rarely a good pickup line.

thumb_up thumb_down -4

Nice Shirt. It would look better on my bedroom floor.

thumb_up thumb_down +66

male: hey wanna ride female: STRANGER DANGER!

thumb_up thumb_down +91

Hey did you fall from Heaven? Cos I think you are angel. If I'd fallen from anywhere that high I'd be in hospital with serious injuries or dead. Do the logic.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

- You must be a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you - You must be a wellfare check then.

thumb_up thumb_down +216

This one is for the ladies: Man: If I could put 6 and 9 on my calculator we would have the greatest time ever ;) Woman: If you did that id just put 911 on my cellphone.

thumb_up thumb_down +50

if you were my sister i'd totally get with you.

thumb_up thumb_down +150

Man: Hey you female? Cuz I am a horny man and... *door slams*

thumb_up thumb_down +6

- Professor Dumbledore, where are we? - You're dead, stupid. Snape trolled you.

thumb_up thumb_down -14

What's your favorite condiment? Mine's mayonaise.

thumb_up thumb_down +159

Hey, we have coresponding genetailia, we should converge in sexual intercourse.

thumb_up thumb_down +260

After hearing a pickup line: -I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

thumb_up thumb_down +576

Man: Hey sweetie, can I take you home tonight? Girl: No thanks, my dad's gonna be here any minute.

thumb_up thumb_down -67

good thing i got my library card cuz im checking you out. i hate people who have library cards.

thumb_up thumb_down -14

Me: it smells in here Her: its maybe my perfume! Me: no i let a glorious fart fallowed my an ass crapping on my foot

thumb_up thumb_down -20

At bar Man: Uh... um... wanna come home see my star wars board games collection? Woman: SURE! Man: *Heart attack*

thumb_up thumb_down +210

With the escalating price of rohypnol, most girls aren't worth my attention.

thumb_up thumb_down -86

"Hmm...you'll do."

thumb_up thumb_down +59

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!