To my story below, I now remember why she never took me seriously... While I was staring at her erect nipples she asked me if I was gay, I replied "uhuh", to everything as I was too busy looking at what I could have grabbed that day... Moral: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Today she looks uh... less appealing in more ways than one.... but lets not go into details, I need to get something out here... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! In 40 years at my deathbed: The only thing I regret is... is... DAMN! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

thumb_up thumb_down -69

-What would you say if I asked you to marry me? -Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

thumb_up thumb_down -258

Where have you been all my life?! Said the 78 year old alzheimers patient to his teary eyed wife of 50 years.

thumb_up thumb_down -70

Do you believe in rape by first sight? Moral: I think its immoral enough as it is already.

thumb_up thumb_down -14

GET IN THE VAN!!!

thumb_up thumb_down -103

wanna try out my joystick? (gamer-joke)

thumb_up thumb_down +21

The word of the day is legs. Lets go to your place and spread the word

thumb_up thumb_down +86

HIM: Where have you been all my life? HER: I don't think I was born the first half of it

thumb_up thumb_down +231

At bar Man: Uh... um... wanna come home see my star wars board games collection? Woman: SURE! Man: *Heart attack*

thumb_up thumb_down +186

Classic story time: Shit that happens out there. Girl: Omg that guy called you a douche! Go punch him! Or else my respect for you is gone. Man: Hey, you called me a douche right? Well... FALCOWN PAWNCH! Girl: Omg you are so violent, my respect for you is gone. Moral: Really, I am speechless... Its a lose/lose situation.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

Ps: I was signing books today, and some douche asked me: Are you that Neronism dude on Horsehead? YOu suck! Anyway, Fuck Neronism. Nero (the other one and his "peeps" are fuckups. (Below: Well actually Tina said if my wife can join, just as my wife said yes... ...And you would think that screwing somebody else after asking your wife is immoral... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY WIFE BECAUSE OF WHO SHE IS? Its called trust people *cape flowing in the air moon in background* Trust! NeroMetal I play Street Fighter V, And am an author, and I guess I get laid a lot... AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NERONISM OR THAT OTHER ASSHOLE IS! I just called myself asshole...

thumb_up thumb_down -28

- If you were a booger I'd pick you first - If you were a booger I'd throw you away...

thumb_up thumb_down +73

He - Nice shoes. She - Thanks. He - But i think they would look better in my pants.

thumb_up thumb_down -38

-Wanna have sex? -No -Damn

thumb_up thumb_down -65

- Haven't we met before? - Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

thumb_up thumb_down +197

I am sick of pretty girls, I want something sick smelly disgusting, fat or anorexic, with a personality that kills flowers and that makes me vomit... I guess you will have to do for now. :( Moral: At least she was not the perfect match huh? Always look at the bright side of eternal darkness.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

After hearing a pickup line: -I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

thumb_up thumb_down +557

-So...wanna come back to my place? -I Dont Know If two people can fit in a box on the street.

thumb_up thumb_down +14

that shirt looks nice on you, it would look better on the floor

thumb_up thumb_down +48

This tux is rented by the hour, are you?

thumb_up thumb_down +51

Penis. I got it

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Dude: Did you fart? Girl: No Dude: Oh I'm sorry because you blew me away

thumb_up thumb_down -41

Is that a banana in your pants? Can I have yours?

thumb_up thumb_down -113

In the USA: Man: Hello, I am half Iraq and half Afghanistan, my name is Osama Bin Allah! Girl: Oh... Uh em... I do not mind you nor anything but, you are like uh... civilized and stuff right? Just asking! Man: Of course miss, so how many camels to get into your pussy? Girl: OMG! Man: WAIT YOU MISHEAR ME! I SAY HOW MANY CARAMELS TO GET INTO YOUR... never mind... Moral: Seriously just give up, this must be the worst "pickupline" ever

thumb_up thumb_down +114

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!