I'll eat your poop

thumb_up thumb_down -1

Nielsen: Nice beaver! Woman: Thanks! Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice p*ssy Woman: Ah! Thank you! (cat meows) Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice wet vagina. Woman: Is this in the script? Director: CUT! Nielsen: What? Cant a man improvise? I mean OJ does it, and he is quite the nice fella... Moral: "Quite the nice fella" Yeah reminds me of good old dad, nice to everyone, and could take a lot of shit, but as much as I asked him how he was doing, I got an uppercut to the face and a nice trip in a ambulance... Started when I was 4, I crushed his upper Jaw in self defense when I was 16... ah... hmm... Why am I sharing this? Then again why not... When have I not spoken my mind.

thumb_up thumb_down +15

If i don't have sex in 30 seconds i'll have to kiss you

thumb_up thumb_down -152

- Did it hurt, when you fell from heaven? - Nah, angels like me, have wings.

thumb_up thumb_down -59

GET INTO DA CHOPPAH! Moral: IM LIEUTENANT JOHN KIMBLE! I HAVE A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS YOU HAVE TO ANSWER IMMEDIATELY! Whoos your daddy? YOU STAP IT! YOU IDIEOUT!

thumb_up thumb_down -37

Male: Man, if we were married... Female: What? We'd make beautiful children? Male: No, I'd leave your sorry, and ungrateful ass and make you stay with the kid.

thumb_up thumb_down +38

Women love it when you kiss their neck. Just not while they are driving and while you're in the back seat and when they don't know you...

thumb_up thumb_down -11

Hey girl, do you have a map? Becuase I keep getting lost when i try to find your house.

thumb_up thumb_down -59

when ilfe gives you lemons i squirt the jiuce in my eyes so i dont have to stare at you anymore :)

thumb_up thumb_down -113

Guy: You look two times as beautiful with makup on. Girl: Really? I think you would too.

thumb_up thumb_down +111

You look like I could use a drink - SMC Digital

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Are you from Tennessee? Because your accent sounds stupid.

thumb_up thumb_down -126

If I asked you out on a date, would your answer to that question be the same as your answer to this question?

thumb_up thumb_down -12

Man: HELP! HELP! MY PENIS IS GONE! SOMEONE HELP ME FIND IT! Woman: OMG I am a nurse, we must find it before its too late! Where did you last see it? Man: It... it was around inside my pants somewhere... It should not be too hard to find it... cuz its pretty big...

thumb_up thumb_down -46

Yet another one from real life: At law school: Kid to woman: Why don't I ever get any of you?! *Woman laughs* Me: You could start by not whining so much... Kid: That wont ever work! You know that is bullshit! Its not like I am whining I just whine whenever blahblahblah... Me: Sigh... Girl: He is kinda cute... Me: Wha? Moral: Not a real anti joke, since I had not heard from any of them until today, I just got invited to their wedding...

thumb_up thumb_down +144

"My mom won't be home for hours..."

thumb_up thumb_down +41

Dating tips 101: First you find a girl that likes you. Then you realize no girl likes you. Moral: Lesson done.

thumb_up thumb_down +149

Are you an electrician? Cuz' you turn me on.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Pointless truth? Man: Hey, there is always a really slutty dressed woman at every bar with a cowboy hat, fake tits and really spread legs, why? Woman: To get ignored. Moral: SUUUUUUUUUUUUURE!

thumb_up thumb_down +22

Male: Hey do you wanna come back to my place? Female: Yeah sure, ill just go grab my gag and handcuffs. Male: ...

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Hey, wow you almost typing as much as Nero here, you almost an "Alpha Leader of men" now... But I am sixteen years younger than you (still old) And "Alpha man, leader of women right to my bed. Gonna lie down here til i die probably, Ill be honest, never had to try viagra before, but man it works when I just want to sleep, so if I die, my wife or this (just friend of hers) can give you the 7 keys you will need to get the car (its a mess, guy like you could just break down the damn walls,but my uppercuts you gonna get DAD... Seriously, ill pay the bills, but I am just gonna go for hardcore bruises. As for party or whatever, ill take some time off whenever i can, and send you a message uh... Ill put it in your "OMG SAMSUNG" which ill send trough... Some guy will show up with it, mafia (jk). Between you and me... AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD! This uh, lady, is so fucking sex starved that I am starting to feel like I am just pity fucking her, I mean I am just lying here, but viagra? Thats for old people! And for... You know, big tits hanging over my face for... nearly seven hours? Man I am keeping this one, she has the stamina of a damn Yep she is a uh those that work out, not gymnast, whatever im sleepy as hell, man... I am death destroyer of worlds, and if i die now, I die... Well I can do a little better, but you know top ten something... Ok, seriously, REdhair, do not invite redhair, that asshole hits on my girls when he is drunk and it would be fine if my girls chose to skip over to him, but he is getting nasty. Dibs on this one man, I mean I dont want stuff you have banged, we all know you dont got that luxury, man you are too shy... Anyway, I am getting sick here, so I am gonna take a nap while this bitch moans to herself (forget I said bitch, its just that im tired and yeah wont even delete it) No replies, just get over here you know... Today because the lock system is complicated and I honestly dont know how to open the fucking garage doors, but old Tim knows, and he is here fixing my uh off brand Jacuzzi (bubblebath? The fuck I know), and he can do it, but he leaves in... Hell ill convince him to stay, he is a cool dude. If you cant come today though, tell me when you can and ill see what I can do... And seriously do not respond, for this viagra, man I had no idea how powerful it was and how close this is to killing me... BUT MY BODY IS READY! Okay, whiggs, all but redbeards, and that bald FØCKER that kept PRETENDING like he was drunk yeah, that asshole that kept touching my Wife and my WAIFU`s tights, thats sacrilege, his redemption is only death by stoning. Got the list ready? Redbeard and that bald fuck whose name I do not know, you know the one i... "accidentally" elbowed out the window? Moral: Random message... THE ELBOW WAS NOT RANDOM... Now read and absorb, and meditate upon these wise teachings... For by followin my footsteps, you can fuck forever with whoever and marry two women because MONEY + LAWYER + NOW I AM JUST BRAGGING BECAUSE "ERICSEN" IS READING THIS SHIT... And of course, never invite Eriksen... (HELLO ERIKSEN! BE AS PISSED AS YOU WANT, BUT I AM STILL YOUR BIG BOSS/EMPLOYER. Moral2: Horsehead can hate Moral man, Moral man dont even make fun of them being Jelly anymore, Nero the Moral man has ascended beyond humanity... Moral 3: Eriksen, you know that if you end me another threat like that again, the firm rules/LAWS OF NERO, requires that I fire you... I mean Sorry man, I did not make the rules... I JUST MADE THEM! Oh Harris, you get it if you stay the fuck away from my ascended supersayan feet, I recall something about you kissing them for a car, lol get your faggotry outta here, oh, and bring the partystuff, I just got... Sigh part of me wants to be subtle... GANGBANGING EQUIPMENT!!!!!!!!! And Thats just not apropiate for a party, lets plan this when you get your samsung (OMG) tomorrow or whenever. THE END, DO NOT SPEAK TO THE DARKEST LORD AGAINETH, HE IS TIRED AND ENJOYS BEING RAPED BY MARRIED BITCH WHoSE HUSBAND... Probably dont even have a swagger... This is abuse now, bitch dont even drink water... just typing shit now, and they call me Brutal (Metal you know) woha... Ask that dude timmy or what his name is again to let you in, me? I am ready to get fucked to death... Remember, if I die, I will return in three days, take with me the four musketeers or whatever, and defeat... Chuck Norris, yeah... THE END! (APPLAUSE!) Whiggs, you are depraved, if this bitch fucking a corpse (fuck I said bitch again) when you arrive, prevent the necrolepsy or whatever the name was, and you keep fucking her... You aint got the powah, but at least you be alive.

thumb_up thumb_down -34

"Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material." "I'm vegan."

thumb_up thumb_down +27

How to get 12 chicks at once... Well more than eleven but this is just so you losers that get nothing learn something while I get the creds arride? Round one: Be popular at school (I am 32 now being a goddamn lawyer means ugly bitches everywhere, so I gotta meet up with my schoolyear friends see? It can still be done. How you get popular? Say whats on your mind, you like that gals tits? You go, WOAH LADY, Hey I am Nero, I dont know you and this is gonna sound rude, BUT LADY THOSE ARE SOME RIPE MELONS SOMEDAY I WANT TO CHOP THEM DOWN WITH MY DICK YA KNOW? (They wont take you seriously and just laugh, then you look at them blush and thing... Wow THEY ARE TAKING THIS SERIOUS ITS JUST ME THAT WAS NOT!) Round two: Invite them over for girls only parties. When I was young, I was like "Girls only party? Thats weird" Today I am more like "Yo gal its a girls only partey at my house? Why I am gonna be here? Because I am gonna try fuck you see? (Tip, dont say that if they aint yo friends first, the first time you can say: BECAUSE IN THIS HOUSE YOU CRAZY LESBO GALS NEED SOME HEAVY MALE SUPERVISION. (So I am gonna have to use my cock to restrain your pussies from getting to close to one other see? But guys, you dont say that the first time, I mean keep it classy right? WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG Still dont go all "Cock this pussy that, no... Basically you say serious stuff but dont sound serious with your voice see? ROUND Whatever: Okay? This is gonna be the hardest part for you, I mean at the age of fourteen I was already banging a forty year old bitch with two kids (my teacher, and not only sex teacher, and nah I did not get grades there, not at school just for sex class... Not really.. So this part is really fucking complicated okay? I mean for juz... You get something fun (playstation with some piss ass game with stuff girls like or some dumb ass shit like a photo album or whatever they like) You (act) I (am natural) like you are all not tense right? So you tell them to give you high fives over.. Whatever... Then you go like "aww dats cute, and pat one on the head while carefully touching another (Girls go like, hey this dude aint flirting he is just chill body language) Which in women language means, "Omg he is touching me and when I sit on his lap his... Cough... you guys would not understand, you know when the Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk right? Except no stretchpants, and no green (eugh!) SO THIS IS THE HARD PART (No no fucking puns this is serious lesson dudes and dudettes) You carefully ask: So, you gals ever been all fucked one guy at once? I mean I am not saying you are cowards if you say no to me, I am just an adventurer and got good taste, and you my ladies, are high class. Ps: Make sure they are high class, I mean get a lot of friends, befriend the ugly ones too (they give it all but meh, so many women so little... Shots... SO, if you have kept your confidence, you can dare them to do stuff with you, and whenever they are touching you crazy, you go... "OKAY GIRLS IF YOU WANT IT I AM GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU, NOW YOU GOT ME HORNY I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS BUT I AM PULLING MY HOSE OUT!" (Seriously it works, It did the first time, and well, I never banged 11 chicks again but its a little excessive really, threesomes are the best, but sometimes when YOU invite them to girls only sleep parties (I am a man btw, just saying, either that or I am a woman with a.. Nvm...) PROTIP: If you are having trouble getting their attention ride? If they dont cum sit with you because you playing some shitty ass dance game (Kickdance? I forgot one where you fight and dance pressing fucking buttons works nice, the final boss is a helicopter... So I have been told right? PS4) THEN... YOU JUST PUT ON SOME SHITTY ASS MUSIC ON YOUR SURROUND, AND CRANK UP THE VOLUME UP TO 8999 (Hah you thought I was gonna)... And then they will ALL come running all like "WTF MAN ARE YOU INSANE! WE ARE TRYING TO READ/LESBO/Waiting for u to fuck us etc, CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THE SOUND DOWN? WHat do you do then? "Oh sorry ladies, had I known my hut was full of sexy girls today..." Well anyways in this example you invite them, and if you wanna be noob, you do it simple and get a gal to invite you... I mean your friends are all gonna be "You go at girls only sleepovers? LOL!" Then when you banging eleven chicks, you go like "Sleepover? Who is sleeping, LOL!) WARNING: Be respectful man, keep the locker talk to yourself, I mean why the hell you wanna brag about what you scored to guys right? Its not about scoring, its about love and sharing rite? I MEAN BE SMART, IF YOU DONT BRAG TO YOUR DUDES, THE GALS ARE GONNA START BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO THEIR GALS IN THE SHOWERS GET ME HERE? Now... If I can get 11 (one backed out, be respectful right? Just tell her its allright, and that you respect her feelings and decisions and jadajada (its not that I dont care, it becomes routine sometimes, gotta catch them all, but a man such as myself can admit that a girl ready and steady can go "No wait, its too big/My husband might find out/I cant do this because some fucking reason... Yeah because if you force yourself upon the ladies, I hope they kill you, because if they do not, I will never kill you, just always make you beg for death... ...And then bang your mama, man wants to fuck some old not so pretty (fucking ugly even sometimes) women sometimes, and that way you are taking away their territory. Oh, and dont fuck their sisters unless they allow you to HEY HARRIS!... Oh wait, he is probably asleep, my man aint on vacation like your man here ladies... Seriously I was wondering why a man such as me needs to bang an old lady sometimes... And its not only for the sake of variation right? I mean I am older now, but fit, blonde and tan (I know blonde is weird for a latino, but its my natural right?) But when you are mighty, and the ugly fat mama by your side wont even dare dream about you seducing her... (grab her ass she wont even believe it, try it) Then you make her dream come true, you are her GOD, HER ANGEL (if kindness is raw sex) HER SAVIOR FROM FUCKKERONIA... ...Besides, you guys got to start somewhere... FINALLY, WHAT YOU DO NOT DO!. 1. Your mom... Unless she is hot and does not ask you to pull your pants up when you drop them and have a boner but blushes, I said nothing, just that I used to have a weird realationship with my mother in bed and love her (as a mother you fucking pervert). 2. Dont go around doing random anal, thats just stupid. 3. Condoms? Dunno, Im sterile, kinda sad, very awesome, some claim I am bangaholic because I can just practice sharing the seed with the world... Who cares, ANYWAY, IF YOU CANT FIND ANYTHING BUT A ROTTEN UGLY BITCH YOU JUST GOT DRUNK THAT SMELLS LIKE ASS (everywhere), have some self respect, AND FORGET THE CONDOM AND FORGET THE BITCH! All girls today go on protection okay? 4.DO NOT GET THEM DRUNK! I mean what are you gonna do when she passes out? Rape her? Try put your tongue in her mouth before she throws up? I have been at parties like that and left in disgust, YOU DISGUST ME INSECT! TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVE SO I CAN CALL SOMEONE STRONGER AND WITH MORE TIME THAN ME TO RAPE YOU! SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT! 5. Feel free to drink something however, wine, dunno I am diabeetus but go low carb and work out so I dont use insulin nor alcohol rite? 6. DO NOT GO... Hmm, about 22 hours without eating anything... Seriously no wonder I cannot remember the 131 golden rules... Not that ill put them here. 7. Do not abuse, do not film with cell/anything, not unless you bang em and they have been your friend for years and you (dont ask, offer!), do not brag, do not be a bitch. 8. Do not call them bitches, unless they behave like bitches, do not slap them, but if they try to kill you and are huge, PUNCH EM THE BATTLE FOR SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST JUST BEGAN BOYZ AND GRILLS! (Yeah grills) 9. You gotta eat... No wonder my... Well, you know... Lets be subtle Cock/penis/dingdong/DickCheney/zevs/Giganticus/etc... Damn, I seriously need some food here, anyway... Yeah I banged my mom, I was basically a kid... And I am typing as if I fucking care what you think... SO RULE NUMBER NINE, DIABETES OR NOT. 10. IF YOU EVER THANK HER AFTER SEX.... I did that once, (accident I was like 17) And she said "What?" I said NOTHING, and I got lucky after getting lucky... Phew... 11 FINAL: Be yourself, dont go pick up trash, no alpha man leader of men homo stuff (leader of men my ass, I want them away not lead them around) 12. BONUS OBJECTIVE: IF YOU CANT BE YOURSELF, YOU READ A BOOK ON HOW TO BE YOURSELF, and if it tells you what to do and how to think... ...Throw it out the window... 13. Winners dont do drugs, DO I SOUND LIKE I AM ON DRUGS? SURE! Am I quietly typing while you are imagining my voice in your head? THATS BECAUSE YOU DID WEED, AND LOSING THE POWER OF YOUR DICKUS BIGGUS IS A SIN! (not that I am a believer, I mean I am living in paradise already so...) 14. Seriously, get women, get lots of them, and well, id say you wont need drugs, but what do I know, I just cant go without my daily smoke after well... I dont fuck every day, honestly I am a lawyer, be sincere with yourself and the girls, anyway, except tobacco I NEVER DONE SHIT I MEAN WHEN MY FRIEND WAS SMOKING WEED AT MY PLACE I TOLD HIM GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE ASSHOLE! And the other time he was smoking weed at his own home I did the same, he threw a chair at me and grabbed a knife before slipping on a chair and crying LOL (he is 34) So seriously, I type like a madman and fuck like the beast himself, but you just need to keep it classy and... WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! NEVER KEEP IT CLASSY, NOT TOO NASTY EITHER... THen again what is too nasty anyways? I mean if you are into bestiality or something "good for you", but you know... ...Session recess, I need to eat and sleep... Cuz both these gals snore a lot, thats why I kindly offered (ITS STILL AN OFFER I COULD HAVE MADE THEM DO IT) sleeping on this damn hard couch... Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, ill probably die if I do not eat much (Diabeetus... Sexy... Not really...) Id say thank you, but when someone tells a man something nice, he either says I KNOW and when I offer you this I AM PROPER ENOUGH TO SAY YOU ARE WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!! Dont bother paying me when it works, I am a lawyer I only get paid when things work, and everything... Anyway... Gotta eat... Good night ladies. Tip: Girls if you masturbate thinking about me at night, you gonna sleep much better, as for you guys, blargh, just the ladies tell me if it works okay? Because I care, and if it dont work YOU ARE DOING IT WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! Good night (Dunno about you, its 12:41 and I havent slept or eaten in 23 hours, so Good night, and if its day there, then fuck yourself, gently ;) WITH A CHAINSAW Do you see how I brag? How I fill the world with my prescense wherever I go? That is the mark of a king ladies, but dont settle to some fucking internet site if you want to be THE EMPEROR Like me... And dont deny it, you thinking "that dood is crazy I mean look how metal he is" And that is ladies and fucks, because they dont call me Nero Metal, because I listen to power rock/Videogame music (See I am being myself, you think videogames are stoopid) SIR YOU LIE YOU ARE A LOSER!!! PRETENDING LIKE YOU DO NOT LIKE VIDEOGAMES TELLING PEOPLE YOU NEVER PLAY WHILE CHATTING ON THE PS4 PLAYING TORIBASH AND ALL THAT SHIT? (Kdice? Yeah World of Nerdcraft and MinecraftNerd, can burn in hell) Aww, I am getting fed by a sleepy wowwy Rebecc... NO DO NOT FEED ME EVER! I BITE! "She going, you still typing that stuff?" I telling her "Yeah, I am here swinging my super sayan swagger and you sir will thumb this up for one reason only... And no, its not because I am crazy, because I am not... I AM INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! And if this is being insane, who cares what you or even I think, I get what you dont... Psst... come closer, ill whisper to you why you hate me, why you thumb this down with your shit mouse... come closer... psst... BECAUSE UUUUUUR JELLY AS HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Anyway, fuck these damn Albondigas are good... Since when can your sis make... Wherever the fuck these are from? Lol, you idiots Harris and friends dared me to post all this shit... Guys I never really cared about the challenge right? I DID IT BECAUSE I WANT TO! AND I DO WHAT I WANT, I TAKE WHAT I DESIRE, I RULE THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE! I broke a sweat though, Nervous? Fuck you crazy Harris my nigga and company? Tomorrow the guys are gonna be all "LOL THIS CRAZY FUCKER POSTED ALL THAT SHIT AND... After uh, fucking my sister..." JELLY!!!!!!!! Hey Harris, send me a message (not here you fucktard on the cell) if you read this fantastic piece of writing/Guide for the life of a deity, and remember you owe me was it 40 bucks for posting this? And then forget about it hombre, keep your little money, because I got a lot of it... And what difference would it have made if I did not have it huh? Money and no woman, now thats cry folks... So this is the short version okay? Because the long version is too awesome for you nerds to read... I used to be a nerd too until I took 3200 PAIR OF TITS TO THE FACE AND... Number something scores on TWAtter! xD, No seriously Harris, keep your cash man, this is fun, and not for the challenge (what challenge XD) but rather for you know... ...DISPLAying my POOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! Now, sure you can call me crazy, but do you call Vegeta crazy when he goes FINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHHHHHHHHHH! NO you wish you could roar like Vegeta/Me, and I dont watch that shit nomore (I read the fanon comics on that site with the universes tournament shit) So you are AAAAAAAAAAL JEEEEEEEEELLLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! *John Cena Music as I kick his Homo ass XD* Ps: I am no DBZ fanMAn I tell you, I watched when Superman murdered Goku, and then lobotomized him after violating and desacrated his body... And it was delicious... THIS IS DELICIOUS! So what was the fucking bet about again? Me not typing over 50 words? ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY? Me too, this was kinda fun, keep your money guys (Harris and about ten other douchebags) Please, I can give you my car, and then get the very same model as I blow yours up... Somehow. Well, my Sayan rush is over, remember: Goku dying slowly, I watched it on slow motion, ON ZOOM, ON A TELESCOPE! It it was delightfull, TYPOS WHO CARES I DO APPARENTLY THESE ALBONDIGAS HAVE TOO MUCH CARB GONNA GO EAT... Something GOODNIGHT... Damn I forgot, where that fraiser from? He says Goodniiiiiiiiight, randomcity! Lol "do I dare push the button" "DUH OF COURSE NOT, POSTING THIS WOULD BE SUPER SAYAN SWAGGER.

thumb_up thumb_down -20

Are your prices by the hour

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!