Talk to me or I'll burn your face with this acid.

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A. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. B. Oh really? Well, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put N and O together. Oh wait -- they're already there. Huh.

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-I love you.

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Hey gorgeous what are you drinking? Cyanide.

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I've got a black belt in lovin'.

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Man - I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. Woman - Not mine!

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male: hey i like you can i have your number female: what number? male: your pin number i want your money

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Hey baby wanna come back to my place? Goo-goo ga-ga

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What did the priest say to the rabbi? We are both religious figures at the head of our places of worship.

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-Hey, what's your sign? -I don't know, but yours must be Cancer.

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Are those space pants? Because no one is going to hear you scream later.

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- I'd go through anything for you. - Good! Let's start with your bank account.

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Grapist: I bet you like getting Graped, tied up and beaten muahahahahaha! I am so gonna do the worst things to you! Woman: YES PLEASE! Man: MAAAAAAAAAAAN your not fun anymore... Moral: Its not grape if she wants it... and I guess grapists dont like that... remember that girls whenever someone is gonna rape you just say YES unless they yell surprise though... then its surprise sex.

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girl - leave! boy - no girl - leave now! boy - i cant girl - why boy - i broke my foot girl - oh

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I told my wife I met someone who looked just like her she asked Was she gorgeous I didn't know what to say.

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-Is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? -Do I look like a Time Lord? (Only Doctor Who fans will get that.)

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-Did you just fart? Cause you blew me away.

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I'm your Edward and your my Bella

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I'm jealous of every girl that hugs you, Because for that one second she held my entire world.

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The word of the day is legs. Lets go to your place and spread the word

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-"Hey babe, you gotta nice ass!" -"Yep, and it doesn't like a rude one staring at it."

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How much does a whales weigh? How much? Just enough to make you look skinny.

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hi how u doin fine and u well bii have a nice day DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

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-Your eyes like diamonds, they give me hope. -Your eyes are like coal, they do nothing for me. Now please go away.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!