my girlfriend is really insecure about her weight so much so that I'm thinking about detaching the reverse alarm

thumb_up thumb_down -82

Don't worry, I love fat birds....why are you crying?

thumb_up thumb_down +92

Hey girl! Faggot.

thumb_up thumb_down

-"Hey babe, you gotta nice ass!" -"Yep, and it doesn't like a rude one staring at it."

thumb_up thumb_down -78

Male: I would die for you... Female: Prove it

thumb_up thumb_down -141

Man: Hey... wanna join me at my big mansion and have a friendly discussion? Girl: A mansion eh? Well.. sure! At the mansion: Man: MUAHAHAHAHA! I am gonna r@pe you! Girl: NO PLEASE! I am not drun.. uh not ready yet! 5 minutes later: Woman: OUCH! ouchie! That hurts! Stop it! ITS TOO HARD! Man: HAHA AND TAKE THIS GRAPE! AND THIS GRAPE! Oh... never mind this is one has turned a raisin... AND THIS GRAPE!... so uh... anyway wanna move on to the "lovers room" later? Want some more Champagne by the way? AND THIS GRAPE, AND THIS ONE IS REALLY BIG AND HARD! GET READY! Woman: Yeah sure... sigh... just get done with this weirdness already... damn these eccentric millionaires... OUCH! OOF!

thumb_up thumb_down -47

my dick is 2 inches

thumb_up thumb_down -44

If you were homework, I would slam you on my table and do you all night long.

thumb_up thumb_down +99

here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

thumb_up thumb_down +21

Hey... wanna hang out with a guy that thumbs ups his own comments? ;)

thumb_up thumb_down +64

"Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes." "They always say that before they go to sleep."

thumb_up thumb_down +48

Excuse me, is the red bike outside yours? Because it is parking illegally, I'll have to take your details so I can report you to the authorities...

thumb_up thumb_down -6

- Your place or mine? - Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

thumb_up thumb_down +457

-Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? -Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

thumb_up thumb_down +927

You must be a parking ticket. Because you are dressed like i'd have to pay.

thumb_up thumb_down +106

My penis becomes hard and hard when I see your mom, but weak when I see you.

thumb_up thumb_down +91

Girl: If you was a rollercoaster...I'd ride you all day long.. Guy: What? Am I not big enough for you now...why can't you just be happy with me... =_= Girl: : / I was tring to be all sexy in a cute way... Guy: Pfft. FREAK... e_e

thumb_up thumb_down -39

That outfit looks fantastic on you... ..it would look even better in an evidence bag

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Glass Basketball

thumb_up thumb_down -13

Hey, are you an angel? Because you smell like you've been dead for a while

thumb_up thumb_down +94

Boy: Hey girl, do you wanna play hard to get? Girl: No. Boy: That's the spirit!

thumb_up thumb_down +127

Whats best about having sex with twenty six year olds?..... Theres twenty of them!

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Hey! Doesn't this rag smell of chloroform?

thumb_up thumb_down -177

- If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. - Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

thumb_up thumb_down -204

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!