If I had chloroform and a rag, you'd be waking up in a closet tomorrow.

thumb_up thumb_down +88

If you were attacked by a bear with chainsaw arms i hope it stays away from your face, because I think you're cute.

thumb_up thumb_down +33

I may have never f*cked a 10 before, but I did f*ck five 2's.

thumb_up thumb_down -24

Women love it when you kiss their neck. Just not while they are driving and while you're in the back seat and when they don't know you...

thumb_up thumb_down -13

wanna go halves on a b*stard?

thumb_up thumb_down +10

I heard you were looking for a STUD, well I have an STD all I need is U

thumb_up thumb_down +355

him: why are you so gorgeous? her: i dont know i guess my parents had some really good sex.

thumb_up thumb_down -67

M- Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? W- I'm an atheist.

thumb_up thumb_down +113

Boy- Didi it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl-Not until i saw you.

thumb_up thumb_down -34

Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on! Great! Maybe next time I'll electrocute you to death!

thumb_up thumb_down -155

Black dude at bar: HERE COMES THE COLE-TRAIN BABY! WANNA RIDE! Girl: So I assume your name is Cole right? Dude: Uh... actually no but... WAIT! where are you going!

thumb_up thumb_down -96

- Did you fall from heaven? - No, I dug my way up from Hell.

thumb_up thumb_down -43

-Girl I'd go through anything for you. -Good than go through a blender!

thumb_up thumb_down +3

Woman: Quit staring at me and undressing me with your eyes! Man: I was just imagining you in a tasteful outfit.

thumb_up thumb_down -58

Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?

thumb_up thumb_down -137

-Do you come here often? -I'm about to.

thumb_up thumb_down +163

Hey do you like mansauce? Moral: MORAL KOOOOOOMBAAAAAAAAAAT!

thumb_up thumb_down +180

Is someone following you? Cuz ive been seeing people behind your back.

thumb_up thumb_down -100

your so beautiful im blinded! aww really?! no. i was kidding. im just blind.

thumb_up thumb_down -76

- you're so fat! - I know you are, but what am I? -awwww, thanks man!!! -I didn't mean it like that!

thumb_up thumb_down -33

Male: Get in the van.

thumb_up thumb_down -19

Hey baby! If I said you had a good body, would you hold it against me? - [ It's unknown who originally said this. Maybe it was some rowdy guy in a 1970s disco].

thumb_up thumb_down +32

that shirt looks nice on you, it would look better on the floor

thumb_up thumb_down +50

*a guy and a girl meet at a bar and has a great conversation* girl - can I borrow your phone? I told my ex I'd call him when I found someone better. boy - sure, here you go *gives phone* girl - *silence* *after awkward phone call* boy - give me my phone back girl - you dont seem to get it do you... boy - give me my phone back girl - *silence* boy - GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK YOU BITCH *boy takes out a shotgun with him and repeatedly shoots girl* *girl dodges and takes a bazooka and aims for boy* *boy manages to get out of the bar* *boy installs bomb in center of bar* *boy leaves bar* *everyone attempts to get out of bar* *boy locks the door* boy - Yippie kai yay, moth- *explosion* *everyone dies* MORAL OF THE STORY - DO NOT GO INTO A BAR

thumb_up thumb_down -53

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!