Do you wanna go halves in a bastard?

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Hey, does this smell like chloroform to you?

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"Have you ever seen a 2-incher?"

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I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.-Rodney Dangerfield

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You look exactly like my sister.

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-What would you say if I asked you to marry me? -Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

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-Go on ,don’t be shy. Ask me out. -Okay, get out.

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Guy: What're you doing Friday night? Girl: Not you.

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He says "Where have you been all my life" She says "Hiding from you....how the hell did you find me?"

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- If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. - Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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violets are blue roses are red you have a mouth start giving me head

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- I want to give myself to you. - Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

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- I know how to please a woman. - Then please leave me alone.

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- How do you like your eggs in the morning? - Unfertilized !

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- Hey, baby, what's your sign? - Do not Enter

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- Haven't I seen you someplace before? - Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

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-What's your favorite color? -bl... -mine too! Let's f***

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my girlfriend is really insecure about her weight so much so that I'm thinking about detaching the reverse alarm

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Q: What did Tommy do when it was time to go to bed? A: Go to bed. Q:What did Tommy do when it was time to wake up? A: Kill him self.

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If you were attacked by a bear with chainsaw arms i hope it stays away from your face, because I think you're cute.

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-I like my woman like I like my coffee... without a penis

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"Hi. You're looking mightily mediocre and I would like to buy you a medium priced drink."

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Guy on phone:ok im on my way. Other guy:who was that,your mom? Guy on phone:no yours. (this is not mine ,its from Cyanide en Happines).

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Guy: Did you use Windex on your pants? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because I see myself in your pants.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!