Male: Paper or plastic? Female: What? Male: Paper or plastic, you know, to put over your head.

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What's a good comeback if a guy asked me "Bring me a sandwich"?? -COmeback with the goddamn sandwich

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Tenth year anniversary female edition: Love, for each day my love grows stronger for you. Too bad honey, I married a old man and was hoping you would be dead by now. Oh! What a shock! Do you really mean that? Sigh... No, whispers: I was just hoping that would give you a stroke that's all) What was that last thing you said? Nothing "dear" Moral: Cyanide, just mash the seeds of six apples, use a syringe and presto! Dead family!

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Man trying to be smart: Man: HELP THERE IS A GIANT BOMB DOWN MY PANTS! ITS BULGING AND ITS GONNA EXPLODE KILLING US ALL! Nurse: ILL REMOVE IT! GRABS "EXPLOSIVE EQUIPMENT" AND RIPS IT OFF" Nurse: Weird this organic bomb looks like a peni.. Man: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG Moral: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRHhhhhhhhhhhhhhgEsgRSGRSRfRSfSFSr

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do you like cows? no! i am a cow! oh!

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Boy- Didi it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl-Not until i saw you.

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you work at subway? cuz you givin me a footlong;)

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M: If life had Alt + F4, I would close your clothes. F: Really? I would close YOU down!

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Female: You're hot! Male: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha get in the van.

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Girl: Are you a doctor? Because I think I have the flu. *sneeze*

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- Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason - Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

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- So, wanna go back to my place? - Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? -That depends on the size of the rock. -You don't really get it, do you? -Get what?

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Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought I was ugly, but then I met you

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- I know how to please a woman. - Then please leave me alone.

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Are you a computer technician? Because you turn my hardware into software.

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M: You make me wanna be a terrorist! W: Why? M: I so wanna blow on you right now...

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- If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. - Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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Male: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U togather Female: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put F and U together.

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Are you jamacian? Cause your jamacian me crazy? no you're a fucking whore

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Are you on your period, because there's a blood stain on your pants

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Hey I used to be a man, but I'm pretty horny.

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Guy: What're you doing Friday night? Girl: Not you.

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You don't sweat much for a fat girl, do ya?

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He: Did it hurt? She: When I fell from heaven? heard it before... He: No, when you fell from the ugly tree!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!