-how much do i have to pay you to **** me? -how much do i get for taking you back to the zoo?

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My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidentally gave her the glue stick, she is still not talking to me.

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-Are you free anytime soon? -No. I'm very expensive

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The power to type any pointless superpower at the wrong place... ...shit...

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Man... MAN! Sorry if I just skimmed that last message dude, but if you getting me that shit, you are my fucking God, you got a new custom engine or something? Whatever man, im getting over there right now, Son, I might actually try the towing trick, because that might make me arrive at your place (no worries wont tell anyone where your playboy mansion is at) but you still got it there right? MORAL MORAL MORAL MORAL... Oh and no, id never ever use that piece of shit I used to call a car in the forest, if you are serious man, ill take the damn cab! I mean man, I just cant wait to tell the beardy little faggot at the carshop to stick that yeah "car" up his gay ass! Seriously dude, my phone aint working but that can wait, you really mean I can have the car? Seriously, how much? I got some money.

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Ever kissed a bunny inbetween the ears? Nope. I'm allergic to them.

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TURRETES (or however you spell it) GUY ON PICKUP! Man: IM GONNA RAPE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU! Woman: EEEEEEEEEEK! (runs away) Man: I mean... I tried to say you seem nice...:( Moral: BOB SAGET!

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Man- According to my magic watch you're not wearing any underwear. Woman- Yes, I am! Man- Damn! I guess my watch is 15 minutes fast.

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Man: Honey, I can't choose between watching golf or porn? Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.

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Dude: Do you have insurance on you ass? Gal: Why? Dude: Because Im about to hit it. Gal: I hope you have insurance on your face (punch).

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-I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? -No.

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- Do you have the time? - Sure, if you have the place!

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Guy: You look two times as beautiful with makup on. Girl: Really? I think you would too.

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I AM FAGNETO! WELCOME TO GAY!

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Man: There is a U and I in beautiful Woman: Ya, but there is only a U in ugly

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"Are you a parking ticket?" "What?" "You’ve got fine written all over you"

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It's not Rapee If you yell surprise!

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Did the lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I right next to each other. You say that you want me? Well don't what you come for!!

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Girl: I like a romantic man. Man: oh yes? Girl: Yeah he would have to sing to me... Man: Ehem... cough... okay here goes:Madness? Madness! Madness? Madness! Girl: What? Man: THIS IS SPARTA! THIS IS SPARTA! A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A A-A-A-A-A! THIS IS SPARTA! THIS IS SPARTA! THIS IS SPARTA! THIS IS SPARTA! A-A-A.... Girl: EEEK MY EARS! *runs away* Man: Wait where are you going I am not even finished singing my youtube sparta mix!! Moral: When its hot, they pinch back, *wheeze*

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The word of the day is 'legs'. Wanna come to my place and spread the word?

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Hey, you look like a hooker I fondled in Las Vegas

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- you're so fat! - I know you are, but what am I? -awwww, thanks man!!! -I didn't mean it like that!

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Can I go to your house and play with your Jigglypuff?

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!