You're like chocolate pudding. You look like crap.

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I'm your Edward and your my Bella

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Did you gain weight? Because I think your gravitational pull towards me just increased.

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Hey giiiiiiiiiiirl, I'm no Flinstone but I can make your bedrock.

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Me: Have you ever dreamed, of owning a thousand sparkly gems? Woman: No why? You got some? Me: No, but now but now we can dream together t under the sparkling stars under the sky... Moral: Hey, she said aww... And touched my hand before chatting with her friend... and as I turned my hand... was a piece of paper, with a written number...

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He: How do you like your eggs in the morning? She: Unfertilised!

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Hey nice shoes....Wanna F***?

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Husband: I will always get breakfast and newspapers in bed AT 5:30 baby, but not wake me when you wake up at 4:30

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Q: How did the baby cross the road A: He was stapled to the chicken

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Man: Hey! Are you into stuff like violence robbery rape cheating orgies machismo torture and pedophilia? ;) ;) Girl: WHAT? NO! Man: Ok me neither so you qualify to come home with me. Girl: Well... that honestly makes you better than most of the lot... why not... so yeah lets go!

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Him: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Him: When you fell from the whore tree and banged everyone on the way down

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Aww seriously dude? That would be awesome, gotta warn you though, this car repair dude, is really ripping my shirt off but you know, ill send you the bill. 666 (my phone is on the charger, get me a new one and ill write a fucking essay about my sisters ass and post it here I really need a phone)

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Guy: Thanks Girl: Why? Guy: Cuz you made me get rid of that boner

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If i could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'I' and 'U' together. Really? Cos' I like it just the way it is... With 'N' and 'O' together.

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- Did you fall from heaven? - No, I dug my way up from Hell.

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M: Wanna play dynamite? W: what's that? M: I lie on my back and you blow the sh** out of me.

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I put the STD in STUD, now all I need is U.

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Woman enters gynecologist office: Man: YO I am the vaginator! Woman: Vaginator? Man: You know, the guy that is gonna fu.. I mean study your pussy with the long hard spear and see if your juices are okay and stuff... Woman: HuuuuuuuH? Moral: Writing this makes me understand why some women dont exactly enjoy a trip to the "Vaginator" so I forgot the moral and the point... my sympaties though...

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Man: Wanna (censored)? Woman: (Censored) you man!

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Hello my name is Pogo. Would you like to jump on my stick?

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guy:did you fall from heaven? girl:no? guy:sorry, it just looks like you landed on your face

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I love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.

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- You look really nice - I know

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If I could rearange the alphabet id put "I-W-A-N-T-S-E-X-Y-O-U together. SIr, not really but that was kinda impressive. Me: I know...

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!