Guy: Have you ever been surfing? Girl: No; Yes Guy: Wanna surf in my jizz?

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Guy: Roses are red Violets are blue Girl:Violets aren't blue there violet... dumbass read a book

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- I would go to the end of the world for you. - Yes, but would you stay there, please?

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-Your face must turn a few heads. -And your face must turn a few stomachs.

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Nielsen: Nice beaver! Woman: Thanks! Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice p*ssy Woman: Ah! Thank you! (cat meows) Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice wet vagina. Woman: Is this in the script? Director: CUT! Nielsen: What? Cant a man improvise? I mean OJ does it, and he is quite the nice fella... Moral: "Quite the nice fella" Yeah reminds me of good old dad, nice to everyone, and could take a lot of shit, but as much as I asked him how he was doing, I got an uppercut to the face and a nice trip in a ambulance... Started when I was 4, I crushed his upper Jaw in self defense when I was 16... ah... hmm... Why am I sharing this? Then again why not... When have I not spoken my mind.

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Her: Are you from China? Because I’m China get your number Him: Tibet you are. But I'm not Russian into anything, sorry.

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free candy....

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Man: Wanna come see my collection of stamps? ;) Woman: Actually id prefer we go to your place have sex ;) Man: GEEEEEEEZ! What does a man have to do to show off his stamp collection here?

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If I could rearange the alphabet id put "I-W-A-N-T-S-E-X-Y-O-U together. SIr, not really but that was kinda impressive. Me: I know...

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You like my boobies ;) Girl: I said no you disgusting fat bastard! Moral: What fucking kind of MOTHERFUCKING MORAL are you expecting to find here?!?

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Hey baby you looking for a stud? Cuz I've got the STD and all I need now is U

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- Haven't we met before? - Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

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Are you a magnet because I'm attracted to you No, but I am trained in several martial art, so get the heck away from me

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- hey ;) - hey, yourself. - if i wanted my comeback, i would've wiped it off your mom's face.

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Are you from Tennessee? Because you're a fucking hillbilly.

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- How 'bout we go to your place and take a shower together? - I think my husband and little baby would get a kick out of that!

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Young man: Hey I have watched a lot of Hentai lately so I wondered if you wanna come home and have hardcore sex and... Mature woman: HOW CAN YOU SAY SUCH A THING! IM YOUR MOTHER! Young man: As I said mom... I have watched a lot of Hentai lately so... Moral: Hentai keeping families together since forever...

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Man: Hey yo sexy, wanna do it in the toilet so I can brag about banging the prom queen? The toilets are dirty but I got aids anyways and... Fine brit Lady: Eh well sire, you see... SURE! Moral: ANTICLIMACTIC ENDING SUCCESS!

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-can i buy you a drink? i buy you a taxi?

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-Your feet must be tired 'cuz you've been running through my mind. -Yea, I was running away from you.

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Guy: I believe in women's rights. That's what women deserve. Girl: Oh really? Because I was just gonna go make you a sandwich and get in bed with you, but I guess not...

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-Does beauty run in your family? -It obviously doesn't in yours!

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M: If life had Alt + F4, I would close your clothes. F: Really? I would close YOU down!

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I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out and I was like O Mg.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!