- Hey, baby, what's your sign? - Do not Enter

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Guy: What're you doing Friday night? Girl: Not you.

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- I want to give myself to you. - Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

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-What would you say if I asked you to marry me? -Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

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- I know how to please a woman. - Then please leave me alone.

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- If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. - Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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- Is this seat empty? - Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

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-Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? -Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

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- Your place or mine? - Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

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- Haven't I seen you someplace before? - Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

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- How do you like your eggs in the morning? - Unfertilized !

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I have a knife, Maddie. Get in the van.

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men: Do you ride horses, because I'd let you ride me all night!

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-Is there anything I can do for you? -Fill my care cup. Oh, actually, I don't think you can manage to do that.

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Roses are red, violets are blue. When I take a shit I think about you bitch *flushes the toilet*

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-I work for the FBI -Oh I work for the CIA, maybe we'll see each other at a meeting -Yeah I'm in the Female Body Inspector division -I'm in the Can the Idiot Absent himself division

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SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive....?

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Every kiss begins with K. Except for ugly, that begins with U.

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Male: Did it hurt??? Female: What, when I fell from heaven? Male: No, the first time you did anal!!!

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You know how I know we're going to have sex, tonight? I'm bigger than you.

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Do you know karate... 'Cause I wanna know if you can fight back!

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Drink this!

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are you on fire?

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-Do you come here often? -I'm about to.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

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The Anti Joke Book


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