Hey baby, can I cream in your chocolate?

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boy - would you like to dance? girl - hell no! boy - I think you misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants. girl - That's why I said "Hell No!" girl - I'm trying to deny the fact that I look fat in my pants. boy - damnit! girl - Phew!

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HELLO I AM BORAT! MISHIMUSH! I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE THE MOVIE OF MAKING THE RAPE OF THE AMERICAN WOMAN! WILL YOU HELP US? Woman: NO!!!!!! Oh... ok Mishimush! We make the other Movie then, BORAT THE CRUSHINGS OF AMERICA.

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Me. Would you like me to get you a ring for valentines day? Girlfriend: Nothing would make me happier! So I got her nothing...

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roses are red violets are blue My dog gives me a bigger orgasm then you

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Why was the little boy crying? Because he dropped his hamster in the garbage disposal

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Hey gorgeous what are you drinking? Cyanide.

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Hey baby. Do you drive a slug bug on a rainbow? If so, I'll drive.

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Did you fall from heaven? Because, I believe in the afterlife.

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I AM LOVE! I AM LOVE! Moral: Seriously, I have never been QUUUUUITE this happy, shouting I am love is probably not the best move, thanks for your thumbs ups, thumbs downs, and while my work is done here, that does not mean Ill leave, I need to keep my reputation as the fourth, smoothest, aka pointless invention in the world, and unless you want to count that girl Justina Bitcherina, that means that I am the smoothest man alive, THANK YOU THANK YOU! And feel free to vote this down if you cant handle being thanked by the smoothest most awesome man alive. Hey, I get it, we cant all be me ;)

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Damn gurl, are you a microwave? Cause for sure you are burning me hot.

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roses are red, violets are blue, my toe hurts.

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Man: Your body is a tempe! Woman: Sorry, no services today.

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- Does this napkin smell like chloroform to you? There is no response because she passed out from it and he leaves in order to void suspicion.

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If you were on a shelf at build a bear workshop ....... I would stuff you , except it wouldn't be with cotton

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BOY: Are you a chicken? GIRL: Why? BOY: Because I'll like you to lay on my eggs all day...

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Man: Hello! I am SUPERMAN! And you are so hot you are my Kryptonite! Woman: then you better get lost before you die! Man: Uh well... yeah uh... walks away (in non super speed strangely) Moral: Think things trough sometimes...

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The ability to speak with dead relatives but only whilst masturbating

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Hey lady, you're really, really cute! Let's go out in the woods, GET NAKED and have sex!

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F: I AM SO DRUNK AND HORNY I COULD FUCK ANYONE M: Hey, wanna fuck? F: I SAID ANYONE.. Not anything... Heck I got standards! Moral: Heck she has standards! Her dog is someone!

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Hey, girl. Looking for a stud? Cuz I've got the STD and all I need is U

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Man - I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. Woman - Not mine!

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Are you a speeding, aggressive driver? Because your running straight up my ass

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How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge? Broken fridge.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!