Did you fall from heaven because you landed on my wind shield some how

thumb_up thumb_down +1

If you were a booger, that'd be pretty nasty.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

thumb_up thumb_down -33

Super man and Lois lane doing it... Supes: WOMAN I AM SO uh.. tHORNY that I want to thrust as hard as I can and... Lois: YAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Supes: Oh noes! R.I.P Lois Lane... Ripped In Pieces Indeed... Moral: Hey at least moral man can get laid... (a moral man fake... well actually original)

thumb_up thumb_down -59

GEDDINTHEFRIGGENCAR

thumb_up thumb_down +156

Man: Oh crap I don't have a condom Woman: Don't worry I have one

thumb_up thumb_down +116

Aww seriously dude? That would be awesome, gotta warn you though, this car repair dude, is really ripping my shirt off but you know, ill send you the bill. 666 (my phone is on the charger, get me a new one and ill write a fucking essay about my sisters ass and post it here I really need a phone)

thumb_up thumb_down +40

This one is for the ladies: Man: If I could put 6 and 9 on my calculator we would have the greatest time ever ;) Woman: If you did that id just put 911 on my cellphone.

thumb_up thumb_down +40

-Want my number? -I already know it. It's 1. -Phone numbers have more then one digit... -Oh, I thought we were referring to your IQ level...my bad.

thumb_up thumb_down +12

He: Let me be the reason you're up all night. She: You will be. I always wake up when I have nightmares.

thumb_up thumb_down -20

Guy: wow! Why are you naked and on top of me? Girl: What are you talking about! We are at a bar! Guy: Oh sorry I am a psychic and keep getting flashes of the near future...

thumb_up thumb_down -64

Do you have cancer, because you look diseased.

thumb_up thumb_down -138

Roses are red Violets are blue Im a serial killer So GTFO before i kill you

thumb_up thumb_down +81

M: If life had Alt + F4, I would close your clothes. F: Really? I would close YOU down!

thumb_up thumb_down +23

I take the the out of psychotherapist

thumb_up thumb_down +13

-Hey, have we met before? -No, because I don't remember ever seeing a face that made me this nauseous.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Guy - Do you want to go outside and play rape? Girl - No, Guy - That's the spirit

thumb_up thumb_down -11

What's your sign? Slippery when wet.

thumb_up thumb_down +72

Woman- is your penis erect? Male- no just FULL SIZED Woman- woah

thumb_up thumb_down +70

"Are you a parking ticket?" "What?" "You’ve got fine written all over you"

thumb_up thumb_down +56

Hey girl, is your father in prison? Because if I was your father, I would be in prison.

thumb_up thumb_down +44

Female: Hey can i buy you a drink? Male: I have AIDS.

thumb_up thumb_down +16

i'm a doctor.... maybe i can fix that thing you call a face

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Guy: Do you wanna be the sun of my life? Girl: Ok sure Guy: Then go stand 13. billion miles away from me

thumb_up thumb_down -46

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!