I have a knife, Maddie. Get in the van.

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Husband: I will always get breakfast and newspapers in bed AT 5:30 baby, but not wake me when you wake up at 4:30

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Wife: I have a confession to tell you my wife said to me one day... Before we got together I was raped by a masked man and I really liked it. Me: I know.

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Are you from tennessee? Because your inbred and retarted.

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men: Do you ride horses, because I'd let you ride me all night!

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boy: hey wanna hang out some time?! girl: O MY GOD! r u hannah montanna?!

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I have one thing to say to all the woman who look at me as a sex object. Hey.

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Your the penisbutter to my vagmite;)

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Man: Hey! Are you into stuff like violence robbery rape cheating orgies machismo torture and pedophilia? ;) ;) Girl: WHAT? NO! Man: Ok me neither so you qualify to come home with me. Girl: Well... that honestly makes you better than most of the lot... why not... so yeah lets go!

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-Why is one breast bigger than the other? -because I popped it and all the silicone leaked out

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Are you a speeding, aggressive driver? Because your running straight up my ass

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Guy : Hey, there's a party in my pants. Wanna join? ;] Girl : Can't, I'm allergic to crabs.

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Man: Your tag's showing. It says "Made in Heaven". Woman: *Proceeds to leak period blood into a puddle at the man's feet and walks away in silence*

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In the USA: Man: Hello, I am half Iraq and half Afghanistan, my name is Osama Bin Allah! Girl: Oh... Uh em... I do not mind you nor anything but, you are like uh... civilized and stuff right? Just asking! Man: Of course miss, so how many camels to get into your pussy? Girl: OMG! Man: WAIT YOU MISHEAR ME! I SAY HOW MANY CARAMELS TO GET INTO YOUR... never mind... Moral: USA discovers they do not have nuclear weapons and then gives them nuclear reactors?

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- Are you from Tennessee bec- - Yes

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Boy: Wanna go see a movie. Girl: Which movie. Boy: Texas Chainsaw Massicure. Girl: What is it about. Boy: Unicorns and Rainbows. Girl: Let's go!

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Guy: Hey :) Guy: Hey to you too :) Don't jump to conclusions people. They're gay.

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Man: Hey you are so pretty I bet you are a hooker! Woman: Uh.. thanks but no.. Man: Damn... I was hoping to get laid tonight...

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Are you from hogwarts, because I really want to put my basilisk into your chamber of secrets

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You are almost as beautiful as my mother.

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-You wanna get laid tonight? -You wanna never have sex again?

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Men. We must always hold the door open, Pull the chairs out and pay for our women whilst remembering to treat them as equals.

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My friends just bet me 50 dollars that I couldn't pick you up if I came over and spoke with you, would you like a few free drinks on their money?

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hey girl, whats your sign? slippery when wet.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!