Chick:- Don't worry, we all get nervous when we meet people. My brother: yeah, but my buttcrack gets sweaty & smelly when i get nervous!

thumb_up thumb_down +163

If I said you had a beautiful body I'd be lying.

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Is someone following you? Cuz ive been seeing people behind your back.

thumb_up thumb_down -114

-how much do i have to pay you to **** me? -how much do i get for taking you back to the zoo?

thumb_up thumb_down +119

If i could rearrange the alphabet, id put my dick in your mouth.

thumb_up thumb_down +33

I lost my Nobel prize, can you help me find it?

thumb_up thumb_down +6

-I love you.

thumb_up thumb_down +29

-Are you a dementor? Cuz you just took my breath away... -Expecto Patronum!!!

thumb_up thumb_down +268

How much do you like peanut butter?

thumb_up thumb_down +16

Real life: Me at age 17 or something after sex... Me: Thank you! The girl gives me an ugly look left and I never saw her again (whatever she was fugly) Moral: For real guys, never EVER thank a girl for sex!

thumb_up thumb_down +85

Guy: Hey babe, do you have a GPS... I'm lost in your eyes. Girl: Make a U-Turn

thumb_up thumb_down -11

*When you get her to your place* I'm just going to be honest. I've been on the FBI's most wanted list for quite some time now.

thumb_up thumb_down -33

Dont let this rape turn into a murder

thumb_up thumb_down +6

If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas, could i come between the holidays?

thumb_up thumb_down +170

Real life again: I was about sixteen: Girl: Hey I hear you are good at tekken tag! Me: Yeah, but I dont play videogames anymore (a lie in order to appear "cooler") Girl: I am pretty good too! I love Kuma and Panda Me: Well, okay... Girl: Want to play with me? Me: Meh... Girl: But I really want to play with you if you know what I mean ;) Me: I dont play tekken... Girl: Not even... "Tekken" ;) ;) Me: Nah... Moral: I am a late bloomer to say the least...

thumb_up thumb_down +101

Pee extra hard in a urinal when there's someone else in the bathroom so you don't seem weak

thumb_up thumb_down -31

Soon

thumb_up thumb_down -79

Close you`re eyes and open you`re mouth. *unzips pants*

thumb_up thumb_down -107

Im like a thief and ill steal your virginity!

thumb_up thumb_down +6

(this is only funny if ur a guy!) you go to a party im a man you get a drink im a man you laugh with friends im a man u see a hot chick im a man you invite her over to ur place im a man you go up in the bedroom im a man you go to pull her pants off im a man and she says... im a man!

thumb_up thumb_down -52

-Hey Baby, wanna date? -No thanks, I'm allergic to fruits

thumb_up thumb_down +57

hey girl, were you in 9/11? cause I'll never forget you.

thumb_up thumb_down +27

Excuse me lady, may I say that you got wonderful hands? Aww please yes. Would you like a drink my buy? Please :D How classy. Why thank you, would you fancy some hard anal sex on camera for end up on youtube? Moral: He is keeping it classy...

thumb_up thumb_down +4

M - wanna have some fun? F - No! M - 0k, i have no choice but to rape you!

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!