Male: Do you know if there is an airport around here? Cause my heart took off, when I saw you... Female: Yeah? Well my heart crashed in the Hudson River when I saw you!

thumb_up thumb_down -46

-Is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? -Do I look like a Time Lord? (Only Doctor Who fans will get that.)

thumb_up thumb_down -86

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma?

thumb_up thumb_down +97

- OMG, OMG, OMG, Terry finally said he will go out with me! -OMG, When? -February 30th! -Stacey, There is no February 30th.

thumb_up thumb_down +35

"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Yes. I ruptured my bowels upon impact."

thumb_up thumb_down +25

That outfit looks fantastic on you... ..it would look even better in an evidence bag

thumb_up thumb_down +5

How do you know where gonna have sex tonight.Im stronger than you.

thumb_up thumb_down -17

-don't sit on the table, people eat there! -don't sit on that chair, people sit there!

thumb_up thumb_down -71

Woman: Seriously you are like the perfect man, I barely even met you and want to marry you already! What is your name by the way? Guy: My name is Le Petite Chessedeburger Withnowhitesauce! Woman: I am gay by the way, gotta go feed my uh... my wife yeah my wife.

thumb_up thumb_down +180

Is there a mirror in your pocket?... Because if so, you should probably take it out and, uh, fix what you have going on there.

thumb_up thumb_down +116

What happens if an Internet troll has a heart attack Doesn't matter nobody will care

thumb_up thumb_down +66

Male: Hey babe! Wanna come to my house for a party? Female: Sorry! Don't have my herpes shot!

thumb_up thumb_down +20

I'm jealous of every girl that hugs you, Because for that one second she held my entire world.

thumb_up thumb_down +12

Shall I compare you to a summer's day? Damn you're hot!

thumb_up thumb_down +8

Is your father a gardener? -No, why? ..Because I was wondering what a cactus like you doing in a place like this.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Holla holla holla, ill be there like right now, its a bit far. But dawg, did you say you are both at work and banging a chick? Someone is bragging here yo son! Anyways, phone is dead, gotten towed like 50-60 times in total (not only the freeway), and... Nah man, its cool, you know I dont really ask for much, I mean I can still pay you something. Yeah your skinny bitch hands, you can slap me 50 times son.

thumb_up thumb_down -120

Girl, did it hurt when you got dragged up all the way from hell? Moral: The hell with morals!

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Is it hot in here or are you just suffocating me in this relationship

thumb_up thumb_down -71

I have a knife and a penis. Choose which one goes in you.

thumb_up thumb_down -117

Mother: Fuck me son fuck me harder. Me: Mother no! My body is not ready aaaaaaaaaarghhh! Moral: Why do dreams have to stop when it gets good? Dont know son, ready for round two?

thumb_up thumb_down -123

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

thumb_up thumb_down +185

(At a Funeral) Male: I have a raging erection.

thumb_up thumb_down +119

Guy: You look two times as beautiful with makup on. Girl: Really? I think you would too.

thumb_up thumb_down +113

Roses are red Violets are blue I'm using my hand but thinking of you ;)

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!