You allergic to semen?

thumb_up thumb_down +30

Guy: You look like a suitable mate and I'd thoroughly enjoy engaging in rough, sweaty sex with you and your lady parts.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Seriously tho mah bebeh... Did you ask for a Pepsi or mah cocka-colah?

thumb_up thumb_down -46

It that a tsunami in your panties or are you excited to see me.. :)

thumb_up thumb_down -50

-hey girl, you must be a pirate cause you got a lot of booty

thumb_up thumb_down -72

Moral man enters a bar and spots a sad girl. MMan: Why so sad? Lady: My father died... MMan: And you want him to see you sad, from wherever he may be? Lady: No but how am I supposed to be happy about it? MMan: Remember the happy days you spent, because they are many more than the days you will see his gravestone, and if nothing else, we can always keep those alive within our heart happily, as long as we are happy in OUR heart... Moral: I would have called this meaningless bull before, but this is a true story, and those words are the reason I just celebrated my two year anniversary with my girlfriend, the most amazing girl ever... which just sang out of joy btw... I may be different... but if a man can keep those he loves happy, he is indeed a true man... Ok now she wants to know what I am typing, so I say nothing and put this self brag away, because I share with you, but heck, what am I? Somekind of romantic? Answer: Meh, I am the ever lovable jerk you may not like, but cant stop loving once you know me either... The anti-part? Dunno, dont care :D

thumb_up thumb_down -82

Did It Hurt when you fell from heaven? No, because I was already dead.

thumb_up thumb_down -86

(boy gives flowers to a girl) Girl: Are these for me? Boy: Nope, I just want you to hold them for me for a second..

thumb_up thumb_down -116

Him: Did it hurt? Her: What? Him: When you fell out of the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?

thumb_up thumb_down -122

-"Hey babe, you gotta nice ass!" -"Yep, and it doesn't like a rude one staring at it."

thumb_up thumb_down -130

Girl:Want to go out this Friday? Boy: No I like to stay inside. Girl: No I mean are you free this Friday? Boy:No Im expencive!

thumb_up thumb_down +81

M: If life had Alt + F4, I would close your clothes. F: Really? I would close YOU down!

thumb_up thumb_down +47

Do you work at Subway, because you're giving me a footlong. No actually, I once had a job at a local Quizno's Sub Shop. However a tragic fire killed several employees and customers at this very location. I survived, but lost have permanent Third-Degree burns across my body. My life is ruined, prick.

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Me: Have you ever dreamed, of owning a thousand sparkly gems? Woman: No why? You got some? Me: No, but now but now we can dream together t under the sparkling stars under the sky... Moral: Hey, she said aww... And touched my hand before chatting with her friend... and as I turned my hand... was a piece of paper, with a written number...

thumb_up thumb_down -17

guy: do you like sea food? girl: hell yes, I got crabs, would you like some

thumb_up thumb_down -23

One hot summer night in 1960, Steve had his first date with Susie. He went to pick her up and her mom answered the door. She invited him in, and asked him what they planned to do on their date. Steve replied that they’d probably see a movie then get a burger. Susie’s mom said, “Well, Susie really likes to screw.” Steve said, “Huh?” Her mom said, “Yes, she loves it. She could probably screw all night.” “Okay, thanks!” replied Steve, mentally rearranging his plans for the night. A few minutes later Susie came downstairs and they left on their date. About a half hour later Susie came running back in the house, her clothes disheveled, and yelled: “Mom, it’s called the TWIST! The name of the goddamn dance is the TWIST!”

thumb_up thumb_down -29

roses are red, violets are blue, my toe hurts.

thumb_up thumb_down -37

There's a reason why they call my penis the Bunker Buster.

thumb_up thumb_down -43

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning? She: Unfertilised!

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Hey giiiiiiiiiiirl, I'm no Flinstone but I can make your bedrock.

thumb_up thumb_down -77

- Did it hurt, when you fell from heaven? - Nah, angels like me, have wings.

thumb_up thumb_down -89

Moral: Hey, how you doing? ;) Woman: Moral? Are you that guy that signs all his posts on horsecrapz network and adds miscellaneous notes? Moral: Yep that's me ;) Woman: OMG LIKE EWWW! Id never do you! Moral: Uh, when did even make such a suggestion? Moral:Well I am married...

thumb_up thumb_down -155

The word of the day is ass, lets go upstairs and observe the word.

thumb_up thumb_down +68

adam burdass

thumb_up thumb_down +32

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!