- I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U - ...

thumb_up thumb_down -23

Hey baby wana come over for dinner? Sure whats cookin? Your dead body after I kill ur ugly face derrp

thumb_up thumb_down -101

"Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out." "I charge $80 with anesthesia, $40 without."

thumb_up thumb_down +66

Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

thumb_up thumb_down +10

Guy: Did it hurt? Girl: Did what hurt? Guy: Ascending from hell and breaking through the earth's crust.

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Eat me, I'm organic!

thumb_up thumb_down -54

How does a ghost walk through walls? There's normally a door.

thumb_up thumb_down +117

You want to sleep with me and i want to sleep with you. I'm at least half right.

thumb_up thumb_down +1

Man and woman in bed, as the man looks troubled: Woman: Hey you are not in the mood? Whats wrong? Man looking down his pants: SNAKE! ANSWER ME! SNAKE WHATS WRONG? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEEEEEEE! Woman: We arent gonna have sex huh? Man looks down pants again: Nuh huh... game over girl... game over...

thumb_up thumb_down -15

Intro music with slow motion running starts as I shut off the tv forever

thumb_up thumb_down -17

Do you why I know we're going to have sex tonight?

thumb_up thumb_down -27

HELLO I AM BORAT! MISHIMUSH! I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE THE MOVIE OF MAKING THE RAPE OF THE AMERICAN WOMAN! WILL YOU HELP US? Woman: NO!!!!!! Oh... ok Mishimush! We make the other Movie then, BORAT THE CRUSHINGS OF AMERICA.

thumb_up thumb_down -41

How much do you love me? Look at the stars and count them Bu-but it's afternoon Exactly

thumb_up thumb_down -43

How much does a whales weigh? How much? Just enough to make you look skinny.

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Moral man enters a bar and spots a sad girl. MMan: Why so sad? Lady: My father died... MMan: And you want him to see you sad, from wherever he may be? Lady: No but how am I supposed to be happy about it? MMan: Remember the happy days you spent, because they are many more than the days you will see his gravestone, and if nothing else, we can always keep those alive within our heart happily, as long as we are happy in OUR heart... Moral: I would have called this meaningless bull before, but this is a true story, and those words are the reason I just celebrated my two year anniversary with my girlfriend, the most amazing girl ever... which just sang out of joy btw... I may be different... but if a man can keep those he loves happy, he is indeed a true man... Ok now she wants to know what I am typing, so I say nothing and put this self brag away, because I share with you, but heck, what am I? Somekind of romantic? Answer: Meh, I am the ever lovable jerk you may not like, but cant stop loving once you know me either... The anti-part? Dunno, dont care :D

thumb_up thumb_down -77

Man: Your tag's showing. It says "Made in Heaven". Woman: *Proceeds to leak period blood into a puddle at the man's feet and walks away in silence*

thumb_up thumb_down -177

2 fake blondes hitting on me. blondes: we're twins! me: so where are you from? blonde1: canada! blonde2 (at the same time): finland!

thumb_up thumb_down -10

Q: How did the baby cross the road A: He was stapled to the chicken

thumb_up thumb_down -10

Are you from hogwarts, because I really want to put my basilisk into your chamber of secrets

thumb_up thumb_down -14

Guy: You must put sugar in your cereal every morning... Girl: Why cause I am so sweet :) Guy: No because you haven't been able to see your toes in at least 20 years...

thumb_up thumb_down -34

Is that a mirror in your pants? We should have sex immediately.

thumb_up thumb_down -38

You belong in heaven. So make sure you say hi to God for me.

thumb_up thumb_down -54

Muslim guy: "Hey can I get your number?" Chick:"Nine eleven"

thumb_up thumb_down -80

You wanna go somewhere? Yeah, where? The Swingers Association.

thumb_up thumb_down +115

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!