I'll eat your poop

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Male: Want to hear a story about my d--k? Nevermind, it's too long. Female: Want to hear a story about my vagina? Nevermind, you won't get it.

thumb_up thumb_down

-How much does a polar bear weigh? -It is impossible to know the exact weight of a polar bear where no scale or bear are present.

thumb_up thumb_down -14

You seem rapable enough... wanna see some back alleys with me?

thumb_up thumb_down -40

You stole my heart..... Don't worry, i have three more back home in my freezer.

thumb_up thumb_down -72

A man comes home from his doctor and tells his wife that he only has 12 hours to live so he asks his wife later that night if they can do it one last time she agrees but after an hour the man wakes his wife and says honey in a few hours I will be dead can we do it again please. So they do it again a few hours later the man wakes his wife again and says dearest since I'm going to die soon can we please? to this the wife says look honey tomorrow I have to get up you don't!

thumb_up thumb_down +81

Girl: Hey, why don't you and I go out to dinner? Guy: Thanks, but if I wanted to watch a whore stuff her face full of meat, I'd just load up Redtube.

thumb_up thumb_down +59

Man: Wow girl, you are so hot you remind me of my wife when she was young.. wanna come to my place for a quick one before she comes back? Girl: Sigh... this AGAIN? I told you! If you are gonna get that drunk, get out of our home and go to a bar daddy!

thumb_up thumb_down +41

-Roses are red, violets are... -SHOW ME YOUR TITS

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Your hair is really beautiful. Thanks. Can I make a wig out of it?

thumb_up thumb_down -15

- you're so fat! - I know you are, but what am I? -awwww, thanks man!!! -I didn't mean it like that!

thumb_up thumb_down -25

Can you leave your door unlocked and your underwear drawer open when you go to work?

thumb_up thumb_down -31

If I asked you out on a date, would your answer to that question be the same as your answer to this question?

thumb_up thumb_down -35

hey your pretty... pretty ugly!

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Come lay your head upon my chest. (After a moment) Perhaps you'd be more comfortable onmy stomache (pushes head down)

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Man: Your so hot, i think heavens missing an angel Girl: ... Man: ... Girl: ... Girl 2: Sophie turn your hearing aid on Man: oooh.

thumb_up thumb_down -63

Where have you been all my life?! Said the 78 year old alzheimers patient to his teary eyed wife of 50 years.

thumb_up thumb_down -73

Criminals are even more smarter these days My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and said that there were burglars downstairs so I went quietly looking for them when I realised I'm not married

thumb_up thumb_down -119

MAN: Did it hurt? WOMAN: Did what hurt? MAN: Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? WOMAN: Did it hurt when you were dropped as a baby?

thumb_up thumb_down +106

-Are you free anytime soon? -No. I'm very expensive

thumb_up thumb_down +64

Tenth year anniversary female edition: Love, for each day my love grows stronger for you. Too bad honey, I married a old man and was hoping you would be dead by now. Oh! What a shock! Do you really mean that? Sigh... No, whispers: I was just hoping that would give you a stroke that's all) What was that last thing you said? Nothing "dear" Moral: Cyanide, just mash the seeds of six apples, use a syringe and presto! Dead family!

thumb_up thumb_down +28

excuse me my eyes are up here thats great........where are your nipples

thumb_up thumb_down -26

Monday went by and he didn't see her Tuesday was the same Wednesday came and the swelling had finally gone down for him to make his wife out

thumb_up thumb_down -54

- You must be tired, you've been running through my mind all day. -No, your mind is so small I can't even take a step in it!

thumb_up thumb_down -25

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!