I'll never forget the day I swept you off of my feet.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

My wife does not know it but every time we have sex I put a dollar aside to go toward her Christmas present. So far she is getting a cup of coffee.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

So which of you ladies wants to recieve child support payments from me next year?

thumb_up thumb_down +44

Man: Hey... wanna join me at my big mansion and have a friendly discussion? Girl: A mansion eh? Well.. sure! At the mansion: Man: MUAHAHAHAHA! I am gonna r@pe you! Girl: NO PLEASE! I am not drun.. uh not ready yet! 5 minutes later: Woman: OUCH! ouchie! That hurts! Stop it! ITS TOO HARD! Man: HAHA AND TAKE THIS GRAPE! AND THIS GRAPE! Oh... never mind this is one has turned a raisin... AND THIS GRAPE!... so uh... anyway wanna move on to the "lovers room" later? Want some more Champagne by the way? AND THIS GRAPE, AND THIS ONE IS REALLY BIG AND HARD! GET READY! Woman: Yeah sure... sigh... just get done with this weirdness already... damn these eccentric millionaires... OUCH! OOF!

thumb_up thumb_down -50

"Do you like me?" "Do pigs fly?"

thumb_up thumb_down -3

"Hey can I get your number?" "-12 Like the inches of your dick."

thumb_up thumb_down -22

SEE WHAT’S UP, DOWN UNDER.

thumb_up thumb_down -54

girl:go away! boy:okay girl:i need space boy:okay just one meter girl: no i"m not kidding boy:i know girl:my mother hate's you boy:i hate her too.! girl:we are now break boy:okay i"m hungry lets eat! girl:you don't understand me boy:no i"m understand you girl:you are philosopher i hate you boy:what? girl:nothing at the end of the story they loved each other

thumb_up thumb_down +13

Hey girl! Faggot.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Hey baby wanna come back to my place? Goo-goo ga-ga

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Do your parents have Down Syndrome? Because your really special.

thumb_up thumb_down -31

You're like a star in the sky. Nothing but gas.

thumb_up thumb_down +30

So I saw you walk into the bar from the scope of my rifle and I was wondering if you'd enjoy some unconsentual sex in the back of my van?

thumb_up thumb_down +26

- Hey do you wanna hang out? - I'm 17.

thumb_up thumb_down -82

I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

thumb_up thumb_down +5

I've got a black belt in lovin'.

thumb_up thumb_down -47

-I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? -No.

thumb_up thumb_down -64

Get in the van.

thumb_up thumb_down +75

-- Hey, can I have your number? -- 12

thumb_up thumb_down +67

How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice... and throw you into the freezing water and drown you, because you're really ugly.

thumb_up thumb_down +26

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidentally gave her the glue stick, she is still not talking to me.

thumb_up thumb_down +29

I'm your Edward and your my Bella

thumb_up thumb_down -39

Get your coat, I've got a knife.

thumb_up thumb_down -77

Man- According to my magic watch you're not wearing any underwear. Woman- Yes, I am! Man- Damn! I guess my watch is 15 minutes fast.

thumb_up thumb_down +172

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!