Do you like a trimmed bush? Because I'm a gardener. Here's my business card, call me, seriously I need the work.

thumb_up thumb_down +92

A polar bear and a penguin were taking a bath. The polar bear asked the penguin to pass the soap. the penguin responded by saying,"What do i look like a microwave?"

thumb_up thumb_down -64

Female Police officer: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Me: Boobies.

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Look at the keyboard, u and i are together. Look underneath, it says jk.

thumb_up thumb_down +180

hey did you fall from heaven? because my car is all smashed up.

thumb_up thumb_down +106

-My girlfriend and I want different things out of our relationship. -She wants marriage, children and a house. -I just want out.

thumb_up thumb_down -142

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

thumb_up thumb_down +89

guy: hey do you know how to sly a dragon? girl:No. guy: well your no help.

thumb_up thumb_down +79

Boy: Hey girl, do you wanna play hard to get? Girl: No. Boy: That's the spirit!

thumb_up thumb_down +124

Hello my name is Horny and... oops... I got it wrong didn't I?

thumb_up thumb_down +118

Guy: I think I got lost in your eyes. Girl: Here's a GPS. Go find yourself.

thumb_up thumb_down +114

guy:do you know how much a polar bear weighs? girl: ..no, how much?? guy:i dunno but probly not as much as you

thumb_up thumb_down -38

Mirrors can't talk, luckily for you they can't laugh either

thumb_up thumb_down -14

Roses are red Violets are fine You be the 6 And I'll be the 9

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Nice Shirt. It would look better on my bedroom floor.

thumb_up thumb_down +62

How do you get a black man out of a tree? Ask him nicely to come down, and if that doesn't work, he will most likely stay up there.

thumb_up thumb_down +16

-Hey, I lost my number. Can I have yours? -No.

thumb_up thumb_down -84

M. you have a sweet pussy. W. WHAT!? M. Your cat, she is very friendly

thumb_up thumb_down -90

I love you more than my jar of fingers.

thumb_up thumb_down +163

Yeah! Keep drinking girl! Ill just lube your backdoor, what? Dont ask, just drink! Moral: I love it when women call me a pig, all men are pigs, and real women dont want some boy...

thumb_up thumb_down -31

Would you like to be the lone mother of my children?

thumb_up thumb_down -101

At a bar (another real life one): Man: You sort of look like a woman from a certain angle... I am so drunk I can pretend you are a woman all night long! ????: I AM A WOMAN! Man: How can we fix this so you can come home with me? Moral: Becoming unpopular was my goal, but third next to Justin Beiber? Maybe I overdid this a bit...

thumb_up thumb_down +152

Him: I've got something that will fill you up. Her: Sorry, I'm looking for a meal, not an appetizer.

thumb_up thumb_down -46

Try to put your arm around her. If she pushes you away, then say: "Relax! Relax. I'll pay for the first abortion!"

thumb_up thumb_down +126

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!