You wanna have sex and get married?? Ok... Sorry.

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How much do you love me? Look at the stars and count them Bu-but it's afternoon Exactly

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-If I could rearrange the alphabet... that would be nice..

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Hey baby, let me take you to heaven.

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Man: Hey you are so pretty I bet you are a hooker! Woman: Uh.. thanks but no.. Man: Damn... I was hoping to get laid tonight...

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You must be tired... I assume you are because I am after following you on your four mile run through the park today.

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-Do your feet hurt? Because I couldn't help but notice you look about 75 pounds overweight and I hear that is rough on your feet.

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Him: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Him: When you fell from the whore tree and banged everyone on the way down

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Boy-Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl-Not until I heard that horrible pick-up line.

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You wanna go somewhere? Yeah, where? The Swingers Association.

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If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

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- Have we met? - Honey, we're not meeting now.

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I told my wife I met someone who looked just like her she asked Was she gorgeous I didn't know what to say.

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- I'd do anything for you. - Die.

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"Are you a parking ticket?" "What?" "You’ve got fine written all over you"

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Are you from tennessee? Because your inbred and retarted.

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Guy - Do you want to go outside and play rape? Girl - No, Guy - That's the spirit

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Did you fall from heaven because you landed on my wind shield some how

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Man: HELP! HELP! MY PENIS IS GONE! SOMEONE HELP ME FIND IT! Woman: OMG I am a nurse, we must find it before its too late! Where did you last see it? Man: It... it was around inside my pants somewhere... It should not be too hard to find it... cuz its pretty big...

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if I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put my dick in your ass

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I have a knife and a penis. Choose which one goes in you.

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Do you wanna go halves in a bastard?

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SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive....?

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Girl: "In all of my years, I've never laid eyes on a more attractive, sensitive, and understanding man. With all of my heart, I adore you. Your eyes are pools of heavenly water, teeming with life and love; your succulent smile crafted as elegantly as Mona Lisa's. Your words could move nations; your voice could soothe beasts. Do me the ultimate pleasure of accepting my eternal devotion to you." Boy: "I'm gay."

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!