I have the smallest erected dick in town, if you don't believe me ask my mama!

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On a scale from one to ten, you're about a two.

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Sigh... No I do not have a van... Just get in the plane!

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You smell just like my mom...

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- hey baby i wanna show you something - wait i wanna show you something too -what is it? -my fists

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It's not Rapee If you yell surprise!

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Male: Did you get your tickes to the barbercue? Female: What barbercue? Male: The barbercue where i put my meat on your face.

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-ILY -Aw. Spell it out it will make it more special. -I'm Leaving You

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Hey babe wats ur sign Caution men at work

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If you were Mufasa I'd help scar push you off the ledge

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This tux is rented by the hour, are you?

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-Go on don't be shy, Ask me out. -Okay Go out.

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What did the priest say to the rabbi? We are both religious figures at the head of our places of worship.

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If you were on a shelf at build a bear workshop ....... I would stuff you , except it wouldn't be with cotton

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Girlfriend: you are much more naive when you are naked, and a small penis, no hair and are 23 years old

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- Hey baby! You make my heart beat. - Oh, well you make my stomach churn.

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Man: Oh.. girl you smell so nice... Girl: TRY ANOTHER LINE AND STOP LOOKING AT MY TlTS LOSER! Man: Uh... I am blind... Girl: Um...

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Guy: Where have you been all my life? Girl: In my room hiding from you.

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Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I cant rhyme, ever since my dog and I were walking down the street and then he died and then i cried and then i died and then he cried

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male-"Do you have a rape fetish?" fenale-"No, i don't" male-"Ohh... Well you're not going enjoy this."

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Man: Well... you seem female enough at least... wanna come home? Woman?: Uh... well... okay ;) But I am a man thought ;) Man: That is disgusting! I am so ashamed! Not Woman: Oh, well sorry :(.. Man: So... as I said you SEEM female enough so wanna come home? The other man: :D I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ASKED ME! ITS SO BEAUTIFUL... so well... NO! Man: This is not getting anywhere is it? Author. NO!

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adam burdass

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Adventures of Drunken man with standards 2: Man: Well you are kinda uh... big for me... no offense lady, I mean you are sexy but you are... well fat.. in fact you are TRUCKING HUGE! and I have standards, HIGH STANDARDS ACTUALLY... but since you are so charming and have such a great personality... I guess we can go for it... Kid: Mommy... what is that naked man doing to that blimp? Moral: Standards... we all got them... they are invisible for a reason though...

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Little guy: I also beat Mike Tyson with my fists! Woman: Meh, from what I heard you beat some nobody named Mr.Dream! Little guy: Damn you Nintendo! Moral: He sure was not a big mac... more like a little ma.. baaaah you wont get it anyways!....

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!