The ability to speak with dead relatives but only whilst masturbating

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I hate you already.

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-Are you the sun? -No.. Why? -Because you need to stay 93,000,000 miles away from me.

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Male: Did you get your tickes to the barbercue? Female: What barbercue? Male: The barbercue where i put my meat on your face.

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A. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. B. Oh really? Well, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put N and O together. Oh wait -- they're already there. Huh.

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Hey, are you from Tennessee? Because you look like you are from Tennessee.

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Man - I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away. Woman - Good cus' your breath stinks!

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Are you a magnet because I'm attracted to you No, but I am trained in several martial art, so get the heck away from me

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adam burdass

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If you were on a shelf at build a bear workshop ....... I would stuff you , except it wouldn't be with cotton

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Little guy: I also beat Mike Tyson with my fists! Woman: Meh, from what I heard you beat some nobody named Mr.Dream! Little guy: Damn you Nintendo! Moral: He sure was not a big mac... more like a little ma.. baaaah you wont get it anyways!....

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Is your dad a terrorist?? 'Cause you're a sex bomb.

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Woman: Hey you look hot and cool, wanna chat? "Man": Meh.. I just stand here with my beerglass trying to look cool in hopes that women ask me out... Woman: UGH! "Man": May I please come with you? Eh... where are you going... HEY! Moral: Trying to look like James Bond in the darkest corner of a bar is not flirting you trucking moron!

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Girlfriend: you are much more naive when you are naked, and a small penis, no hair and are 23 years old

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Boy: Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Girl: Did it hurt when you were thrust through the ash-filled layers of Hell?

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-Do you mind if i smoke? -No. I dont even mind if you burn....

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Did you just fart? Cause it smells like shit in here

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Man: Do you like a sensitive guy? Women: Yeah, I used to be one.

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-I work for the FBI -Oh I work for the CIA, maybe we'll see each other at a meeting -Yeah I'm in the Female Body Inspector division -I'm in the Can the Idiot Absent himself division

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Hey girl, you a single mom I heard, I love that. Really? :D SURE! Hey just between us, how sexy are your kids on a scale from one to over nine thousand? Moral: Watch out ladies, I can only take care of so many of you... (you have kids? Meh, get lost,nothing personal, just you know... your kid)

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This tux is rented by the hour, are you?

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Are you a Geodude? Cause you're face is rockin'!

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You wanna have sex and get married?? Ok... Sorry.

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It's not Rapee If you yell surprise!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!