The ability to speak with dead relatives but only whilst masturbating

thumb_up thumb_down +22

Female: Hey can i buy you a drink? Male: I have AIDS.

thumb_up thumb_down +16

He: Let me be the reason you're up all night. She: You will be. I always wake up when I have nightmares.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

- I'd do anything for you. - Die.

thumb_up thumb_down +93

Is that a mirror in your pocket? because I can... Yes actually, it's my new LCD Mirror Screen Protector for my iPhone.

thumb_up thumb_down +73

Did you fall from heaven because you landed on my wind shield some how

thumb_up thumb_down -3

On a scale from one to ten, you're about a two.

thumb_up thumb_down -7

- Professor Dumbledore, where are we? - You're dead, stupid. Snape trolled you.

thumb_up thumb_down -19

*At a concert* guy- hey if you were that drum set, i'd bang you on that stage all night

thumb_up thumb_down +132

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

thumb_up thumb_down +80

Are you from tennessee? Because your inbred and retarted.

thumb_up thumb_down +16

Sickman Fraud: Hmm you look remotely alike my mother... Woman: Uh? Sickman Fraud: Yes fucking you should das probably give me some release, die reason to resist me is not necessary, you envy my pingas and I can assign it to you if you put on this ugly wig and yell "bad boy" whilzt I das fukte das rassenhol... Woman: OMG SICK! Moral: The father of modern psychology? Seriously?! I was going for a bachelor in psychology studies, but its just disgusting.

thumb_up thumb_down -62

Why was the little boy crying? Because he dropped his hamster in the garbage disposal

thumb_up thumb_down +99

M: On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight? F: North Korea

thumb_up thumb_down +85

guy: wanna make some money? girl: Na, I do it for free, i'm offering free herpes

thumb_up thumb_down +37

-Do your feet hurt? Because I couldn't help but notice you look about 75 pounds overweight and I hear that is rough on your feet.

thumb_up thumb_down +15

-hey baby wanna get a drink? -no but i wanna get the heck away from you

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Why do cops eat donuts so much? Because they are delish

thumb_up thumb_down +11

If you were a booger, that'd be pretty nasty.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

In a loud bar: Man: Do you enjoy gRape? Woman: HOW DARE YOU YOU PERVERT! Man: Uh... how about raisins then... Woman: Err... can you repeat that first question again... Moral: I would but I would have to bypass the censorship somehow...

thumb_up thumb_down -31

-Darling, I will never stop pursuing you. Even from the ends of the earth, I will follow you wherever you go. Really, I love you that much. -"Honey", I will call the police and have you thrown in jail for stalking me. Really, I hate you that much.

thumb_up thumb_down -63

Woman- is your penis erect? Male- no just FULL SIZED Woman- woah

thumb_up thumb_down +70

Woman and man on picnicking date at the forest: (Man gets bit in his pingas by a snake..) Man: ARGH! HEALP HEALP! Woman: OMG! I have to call the doctor! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING Doctor! My date was bitten by a poisonous snake! What can we do! Doctor: The only option would be to suck the poison out of the bitten area or else he will probably die... "Click" Man: ARGH! WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY! PLEASE ITS GETTING NUMB! WHAT DID HE SAY! Woman: He said you are gonna die... :( Moral: She may not have sucked, but this sure did :P

thumb_up thumb_down +42

Hey girl, is your father in prison? Because if I was your father, I would be in prison.

thumb_up thumb_down +38

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!