You have lovely eyes. They'll look better in a pile on my floor in the morning.

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Are you from tennessee? Cause you've got fine written all over you.

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The ability to speak with dead relatives but only whilst masturbating

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Use it next time you put your d**n make-up on.

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-Are you the sun? -No.. Why? -Because you need to stay 93,000,000 miles away from me.

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Man enters a bar... ORIGINALITY FOR THE PEOPLE! Man: Hey, wanna go to my place later? Woman: Ok Ronald McDonald but you gotta take of your costume first and... Man: What costume? I am Michael Ja.. Moral: Stop it right there! Its too early for jokes about uh... Michael J Fox... yeah him yeah... lets keep it that way...

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What did the priest say to the rabbi? We are both religious figures at the head of our places of worship.

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—do you believe in love at first sight or shall I come back again? —no, and I think you shall not come back ever.

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It's not Rapee If you yell surprise!

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"Are you a parking ticket?" "What?" "You’ve got fine written all over you"

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This tux is rented by the hour, are you?

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If you were a booger, that'd be pretty nasty.

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Sigh... No I do not have a van... Just get in the plane!

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If you were on a shelf at build a bear workshop ....... I would stuff you , except it wouldn't be with cotton

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Are u in the army cause u make my private stand at attention.

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-I work for the FBI -Oh I work for the CIA, maybe we'll see each other at a meeting -Yeah I'm in the Female Body Inspector division -I'm in the Can the Idiot Absent himself division

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Do you have cancer, because you look diseased.

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-ILY -Aw. Spell it out it will make it more special. -I'm Leaving You

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The word of the day is legs. Lets go to your place and spread the word

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Man: Well... you seem female enough at least... wanna come home? Woman?: Uh... well... okay ;) But I am a man thought ;) Man: That is disgusting! I am so ashamed! Not Woman: Oh, well sorry :(.. Man: So... as I said you SEEM female enough so wanna come home? The other man: :D I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ASKED ME! ITS SO BEAUTIFUL... so well... NO! Man: This is not getting anywhere is it? Author. NO!

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- hey baby i wanna show you something - wait i wanna show you something too -what is it? -my fists

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Hey baby, can I cream in your chocolate?

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Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I cant rhyme, ever since my dog and I were walking down the street and then he died and then i cried and then i died and then he cried

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-Hey sit on my face and I will guess your weight

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!