-Are you free anytime soon? -No. I'm very expensive

thumb_up thumb_down +65

MAN: You wanna know what's beautiful? Read the first word again. WOMAN: You wanna know what's desperate? Read the first word again!

thumb_up thumb_down +59

Why are you crying? I have to walk out these woods alone!

thumb_up thumb_down +41

Man: Yoyoyoy my lady wanna get some? Mirror: yoyoyoy my lady wanna get some? Man: SHIET!!! This never works! Moral: Take a look at yourself before you break yourself! By the time you start looking, sounding, feeling and even smelling awesome in the mirror, then the girls will feel the same way about you, no kidding.

thumb_up thumb_down +9

HONEY! I SEE MEDUSA!!!!!!!!!!! oh wait, it was just you

thumb_up thumb_down -19

Come lay your head upon my chest. (After a moment) Perhaps you'd be more comfortable onmy stomache (pushes head down)

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Criminals are even more smarter these days My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and said that there were burglars downstairs so I went quietly looking for them when I realised I'm not married

thumb_up thumb_down -121

Huge blue man: I AM THE APOCALYPSE! YOU ARE NOT FIT TO SURVIVE! Woman: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Huge blue man: "facepalm" THIS GAME, IS OVER! Moral: Dont start out too strong...

thumb_up thumb_down -145

M: Your clothes look great on you. They would even better on my floor. F: No they wouldn't, they would just get dirty. M: You and me should get dirty then. F: Why would I want to get dirty, I'm perfectly fine being clean?

thumb_up thumb_down +104

so how long have you been a bald ghost wombat?

thumb_up thumb_down +56

i would drag my balls through miles of broken glass, just to hear you fart through a walkey-talkey

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Man: *Pokes Woman* Ouch! You burned me! Woman: How did I burn you? Man: Because you're just THAT hot. ;) Woman: *Pokes Man* Well it's too bad you're not.

thumb_up thumb_down -14

Your hair is really beautiful. Thanks. Can I make a wig out of it?

thumb_up thumb_down -16

WOW MY LONGEST EVER COMMENT BELOW GOT A THUMBS UPS WOOT-WO-WO-WOROWOOOT *Partyravelights that confetti crap and... Moral: I dont really give a shit and all...

thumb_up thumb_down -24

Male: Hey do you wanna come back to my place? Female: Sorry i only sleep with dead bodies.

thumb_up thumb_down -28

hey your pretty... pretty ugly!

thumb_up thumb_down -56

you look like my mother

thumb_up thumb_down +77

Girl: Hey, why don't you and I go out to dinner? Guy: Thanks, but if I wanted to watch a whore stuff her face full of meat, I'd just load up Redtube.

thumb_up thumb_down +59

He-Are you from Tennesse? Still He-Cu'z I wanna suck ur face off..

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Guy: Da da da da da! I'm loving it. (looks at girl's crotch)

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Hi there, stand still, hmm, hmm... Well, your tits are firm, lets feel up ya pussy too huh? Then your... other thingie... Why you runnin? Moral: Believe in stuff!

thumb_up thumb_down +33

A modified classic, props to the original poster: Man: Ask me out! Woman: Ok, get out! Man: No no, I said ASK me out. Woman: Okay... will you please get out? Man: No but thanks for asking me out, I am so gonna tell your friends how I rejected you asking me out. Moral: When beaten... THERE IS NO BEATING! If negative people can turn everything into a loss, thinking positive call help you turn anything into victory. I mean Hitler murdered millions right? Arent you happy (Jew or not), that it was not you? VICTORY! (if somehow Pyrrhic depending on how you turn on it... But if you wanna turn a gain to a pain, go ahead...)

thumb_up thumb_down +27

Hey girl, I heard you are a lesbian! So which part of lesbia are you from? Moral: Geography is overrated, he got laid.

thumb_up thumb_down +9

free candy....

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!