My wife does not know it but every time we have sex I put a dollar aside to go toward her Christmas present. So far she is getting a cup of coffee.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilised.

thumb_up thumb_down -8

- Did you fall from heaven? - No, I dug my way up from Hell.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

Guy: Can we go on a date? Girl: A date? You couldn't find a date if I handed you a bag of fruit!

thumb_up thumb_down +1

The return of everyone`s pimps pimp! Pimp: Amma so cool I can piss on this electric fence no problemo! Pzzzzzzzzz.. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... Moral: Its better to end a sucky character early, am I right or am I right? Thumb me down if I am right...;) Ps: His name was Tyrese Whiner XD you can read his fantastic anti-joke some pages down or whatever...

thumb_up thumb_down -7

What do u get when u mix a black a guy and an octopus The best dam cotton pickin machine you'll ever see!

thumb_up thumb_down -11

who wants to play EPAR

thumb_up thumb_down +12

Whats best about having sex with twenty six year olds?..... Theres twenty of them!

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Man- According to my magic watch you're not wearing any underwear. Woman- Yes, I am! Man- Damn! I guess my watch is 15 minutes fast.

thumb_up thumb_down +173

So which of you ladies wants to recieve child support payments from me next year?

thumb_up thumb_down +37

I'll never forget the day I swept you off of my feet.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

How much does a polar bear weigh? On average 1135 lbs.

thumb_up thumb_down -11

"Hey can I get your number?" "-12 Like the inches of your dick."

thumb_up thumb_down -19

guy:did you fall from heaven? girl:no? guy:sorry, it just looks like you landed on your face

thumb_up thumb_down +141

HE ; " MY NAME'S BOND, JAMES BOND" SHE;" MY NAME'S ****, **** OFF!"

thumb_up thumb_down +68

Hey babe, are your parents arseholes? Because your the shit.

thumb_up thumb_down +60

M - If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together. F - Yeah, it's too bad that N and O are already together.

thumb_up thumb_down +48

What's worse than walking on a beach? Not walking on a beach.

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Batman enters a bar: Batman: Ladies... I am Batman... *everyone runs out screaming* Batman: *facepalm* Moral: Want to be feared? Well what did you expect? Who I am? Are you dense? Retarded or something? I am the goddamn Moral-Man!

thumb_up thumb_down -56

The anti part of below comment, may be the fact that its going to get thumbed down to Hades. Moral: They see me rollin, they envious... women that look like supermodels that work as jurists dont come easy... unless you are Moral Man. *Plays moral man theme* (Character inspired by Salvador Dali, I mean what greater inspiration than the man that celebrated each day as he woke up in the body and mind of the greatest man ever? Me? Same, but I also wake up next to the greatest woman ever.)

thumb_up thumb_down -62

So you want tonight to be consensual or not?

thumb_up thumb_down +61

-I like my woman like I like my coffee... without a penis

thumb_up thumb_down -1

Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

-I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? -No.

thumb_up thumb_down -61

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!