Hi there, the voices in my head are telling me to talk to you.

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Roses are red, violets are blue. When I take a shit I think about you bitch *flushes the toilet*

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- So, wanna go back to my place? - Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? -That depends on the size of the rock. -You don't really get it, do you? -Get what?

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Man: Wanna come home watch my REALLY big stamp collection? ;) ;) Girl: Sure ;) ;) At home: Man: Why are you taking your clothes off? Girl: Uh... nevermind... Moments later: Man: And this one is a rare misprint from 1980, and this one is actually quite common but.., Girl: Sigh... :(

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Yo wazzup hoes? You knew black guys have the biggest dicks ever? ;) Uh, so what? You are white. Oh... yeah... Moral: Damn wiggers.

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boy: hey wanna hang out some time?! girl: O MY GOD! r u hannah montanna?!

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Guy -Are you from Tenessee? Girl -No. guy -oh, because you looked kinda southern.

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free candy....

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What happens when a drunk swedish man prank calls 911 from a local bar? The ambulance comes

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girl - holy sausage! boy - what happen! girl - i broke my foot! boy - oh!

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Male: (Pulls Female in close, strokes her hair, and mutters 'My precious' over and over to himself)

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Are you doing push-ups with your knees down? Cuz im not sure if this is working out.

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Man: Do you work at Subway? Girl: Why? Did I just give u a 6 inch?

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You're gorgeous! Can you smell that? Oh god it's awful!

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Man: DTF Cutey? Woman: DTF off Asshole?

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Man: Hey you look good enough to do Woman: Oh really because so does my 8 foot boyfriend. Man: ... Woman: Do you want me to pick him up from the gym?

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Do Your feet hurt? Cause youve been stomping on my dreams for 3 years now

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I hope you want kids, cause i've left my condoms at my girlfriends place.

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Husband: Honey, I heard that when you die, you come back as a different creature! Wife: Really!? I want to come back as a cow!! Husband: You're obviously not listening.

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Monday went by and he didn't see her Tuesday was the same Wednesday came and the swelling had finally gone down for him to make his wife out

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Mario: Its a me Mario! Woman: Uhuh... Mario: Its a me Mario? Woman: Yeah you got a point? Mario: Okey dokey! Woman: So? Mario: Letsa go! Woman: Well okay, I mean *chews bubblegum* at least I know who you are and stuff... Moral: I once saw a red mushroom come out of a question block, so I just touch it with my Richard and... ...Wait ill take the green one, just in case, I good with what I have...

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M: Your clothes look great on you. They would even better on my floor. F: No they wouldn't, they would just get dirty. M: You and me should get dirty then. F: Why would I want to get dirty, I'm perfectly fine being clean?

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-Hey, what's your sign? -I don't know, but yours must be Cancer.

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Can I go to your house and play with your Jigglypuff?

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!