-Are you free anytime soon? -No. I'm very expensive

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Him - Would you like to dance? Her - NO! Him - I'm sorry. I think you misunderstood me. I said, "You look fat in those pants."

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Boy: You know the keyboard says that U and I are together. Girl: It also says JK

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Male: (Pulls Female in close, strokes her hair, and mutters 'My precious' over and over to himself)

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Guy texting random girl: *u must b wearing space pants cuz ur a*s is out of this world *no im wearing baseball pants cuz my a*s is out of ur leage (this girl deserves an award)

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Online Desperate Asians.com Man: Wow you are a cute asian girl! Where are you from? Girl: Thanks my name Aoi is I am from Japan, you look like nice older man! Man: Japan? Awesome! Remember when we nuked the hell out of your country? Happy days! SLAP A JAP! *Connection discontinued* Man: Eh really sorry, I just get nervous when I meet girls especially the cutest ones... Man: hello?

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will you marry me

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-So, what are you doing later? -Not you.

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I put the STD in STuD all i need is U!

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Man: I bet you havent seen a really big dick before ;) ;) Woman: No... but I have seen yours... The man proceeds to stare at the floor and leaves in shame...

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Male: Paper or plastic? Female: What? Male: Paper or plastic, you know, to put over your head.

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I hope you want kids, cause i've left my condoms at my girlfriends place.

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Man: Hey lady... you new here? I havent seen you around here before ;) Woman: Im your wife! >:/ Man: Which one of them? I have married so many sluts just to get sex with them... that I forget about...

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A couple wanted to try something different in the bedroom, The wife suggests they do it in a 69 position so they get into position but the wife lets one off in the husbands face she apologises and they try again when the wife farts again the husband gets up to leave and says no I don't think I can do this another 67 times!

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My friend and I flipped a coin to see who will ask you out and I won.

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-Is there anything I can do for you? -Fill my care cup. Oh, actually, I don't think you can manage to do that.

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Criminals are even more smarter these days My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and said that there were burglars downstairs so I went quietly looking for them when I realised I'm not married

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Charmeleon is Red, Squirtle is Blue, If you were a Pokemon, I'd choose you.

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Guy: Da da da da da! I'm loving it. (looks at girl's crotch)

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-Hey babe, if you were homework, I'd do you on my couch, my table, and my bed. -Yeah? You just failed.

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How much does a polar bear weigh? What you don't know? In this day and age? Don't you have like google or something on your smart phone. geeeesh!

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Man: Would you like to dance? Woman: Hell No! Man: I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said - You look fat in those pants!

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Boy: You remind me of the ocean Girl: Because I'm mysterious, adventurous, and romantic? Boy: No, because you make me sick

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-Hey, what's your sign? -I don't know, but yours must be Cancer.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!