Husband: Honey, I heard that when you die, you come back as a different creature! Wife: Really!? I want to come back as a cow!! Husband: You're obviously not listening.

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Guy: Roses are red Violets are blue Girl:Violets aren't blue there violet... dumbass read a book

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Why are you crying? I have to walk out these woods alone!

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What happens when a drunk swedish man prank calls 911 from a local bar? The ambulance comes

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He: You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She: You are so handsome when you keep your mouth shut.

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"is that a ladder in your tights? or a fire escape for the crabs?"

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Girl: Hi honey, wanna see a magic trick? Boy: Sure, why not? Girl -POOF- YOU'RE SINGLE!

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Dude: Did you fart? Girl: No Dude: Oh I'm sorry because you blew me away

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Monday went by and he didn't see her Tuesday was the same Wednesday came and the swelling had finally gone down for him to make his wife out

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Mario: Its a me Mario! Woman: Uhuh... Mario: Its a me Mario? Woman: Yeah you got a point? Mario: Okey dokey! Woman: So? Mario: Letsa go! Woman: Well okay, I mean *chews bubblegum* at least I know who you are and stuff... Moral: I once saw a red mushroom come out of a question block, so I just touch it with my Richard and... ...Wait ill take the green one, just in case, I good with what I have...

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M: Your clothes look great on you. They would even better on my floor. F: No they wouldn't, they would just get dirty. M: You and me should get dirty then. F: Why would I want to get dirty, I'm perfectly fine being clean?

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Hi there, stand still, hmm, hmm... Well, your tits are firm, lets feel up ya pussy too huh? Then your... other thingie... Why you runnin? Moral: Believe in stuff!

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free candy....

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Man - I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. Woman - Not mine!

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-Why is one breast bigger than the other? -because I popped it and all the silicone leaked out

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-You're fat! -No I'm not. -You will be, when my dick is in you

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Male: (Pulls Female in close, strokes her hair, and mutters 'My precious' over and over to himself)

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Boy : Gurle: hi

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guy: you're so beautiful, did you fall from heaven? girl: if I was I would be dead by now hun?

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Why are peploe gieving me thums up al of soodden? Moral: Its scawwy, normally the moral is what protects my genius comments from getting thumbed up.

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Man: Do you work at Subway? Girl: Why? Did I just give u a 6 inch?

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-So, what are you doing later? -Not you.

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Do Your feet hurt? Cause youve been stomping on my dreams for 3 years now

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Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!