One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

thumb_up thumb_down +63

Girl: Wanna see my dick? Man: WHAT? Moral: This actually started out as me just mixing up the girl and guy part...

thumb_up thumb_down +114

Do you work at Subway, because you're giving me a footlong. No actually, I once had a job at a local Quizno's Sub Shop. However a tragic fire killed several employees and customers at this very location. I survived, but lost have permanent Third-Degree burns across my body. My life is ruined, prick.

thumb_up thumb_down -8

your so beautiful im blinded! aww really?! no. i was kidding. im just blind.

thumb_up thumb_down -79

Guy - Do you want to go outside and play R-a-p-e? Girl - No, Guy - That's the spirit

thumb_up thumb_down +108

Lady: Is your name REAAAAAAAAALLY Moral? Moral: Stupid big titted bimbo... seems im getting laid tonight...just like I was today, and by midday and... yeah lie.. I mean brag a lot I do not have sex THAT many times a day... okay I lied again... Anyway vote me for president at least I am honest... well actually that was a lie but...

thumb_up thumb_down -44

-Hi miss are you a catchup? -hey is this some corny pick-up line?,,,okay fine. why? -because I want to dip my hotdog to you

thumb_up thumb_down +45

M: You make me wanna be a terrorist! W: Why? M: I so wanna blow on you right now...

thumb_up thumb_down -13

Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd like to tap that ass.

thumb_up thumb_down +51

Him: I'd go through anything for you. Her: The exit's over there.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

Can I go to your house and play with your Jigglypuff?

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Adventures of Drunken man with standards 2: Man: Well you are kinda uh... big for me... no offense lady, I mean you are sexy but you are... well fat.. in fact you are TRUCKING HUGE! and I have standards, HIGH STANDARDS ACTUALLY... but since you are so charming and have such a great personality... I guess we can go for it... Kid: Mommy... what is that naked man doing to that blimp? Moral: Standards... we all got them... they are invisible for a reason though...

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Man: Hey you look good enough to do Woman: Oh really because so does my 8 foot boyfriend. Man: ... Woman: Do you want me to pick him up from the gym?

thumb_up thumb_down -69

Woman: The church is fantastic, I see Jesus wherever I go! Me: I see a psycho wherever you go. Moral: PSYCHO CRUSHER!

thumb_up thumb_down -15

How much does a polar bear weigh? Not as much as my dick.

thumb_up thumb_down +104

Hey did you fall from Heaven? Cos I think you are angel. If I'd fallen from anywhere that high I'd be in hospital with serious injuries or dead. Do the logic.

thumb_up thumb_down -1

hey wanna come back to my house, and help me kill my dog?

thumb_up thumb_down +96

The word of the day is ass, lets go upstairs and observe the word.

thumb_up thumb_down +115

Guy: Are you looking for a hot, sexy, fertile young man? Girl: No thanks, I used to be one.

thumb_up thumb_down +166

Give me everything tonight, or you might not see tomorrow. RAPIST!

thumb_up thumb_down +58

Why are you crying? I have to walk out these woods alone!

thumb_up thumb_down +49

Do you know karate... 'Cause I wanna know if you can fight back!

thumb_up thumb_down +178

I like your eyes. My eyes don't like you.

thumb_up thumb_down +175

-What sign were you born under? -No Parking.

thumb_up thumb_down +46

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!