Me during the noob days at a bar: Me: So this is fun, want to go to my place and watch The Matrix trilogy all night or something? She: Naaah, I already watched them, but I am sure we can watch something else all night right? Me: Nah, you see I just moved in, and I don't have any other movies, so yeah nice meeting you though! *facepalm*

thumb_up thumb_down -57

Close you`re eyes and open you`re mouth. *unzips pants*

thumb_up thumb_down -96

The ability to speak with dead relatives but only whilst masturbating

thumb_up thumb_down -6

Woman: Seriously you are like the perfect man, I barely even met you and want to marry you already! What is your name by the way? Guy: My name is Le Petite Chessedeburger Withnowhitesauce! Woman: I am gay by the way, gotta go feed my uh... my wife yeah my wife.

thumb_up thumb_down +165

Hey babe, how about my mom drives us to the comic book store in her Civic? I got a carseat with seat belts for two.

thumb_up thumb_down -74

Hi, my name is Justin Bieber

thumb_up thumb_down -29

Man: Your rejections cannot hurt me! Im the JuggernautBitch! *grabs couch* WHOAAAAAAAAAARGH! Woman: *dead* Man: Jugs got jugs! Hey wake up bitch! HEY! I said wake up!... Moral: Works every time

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Are you jamacian? Cause your jamacian me crazy? no you're a fucking whore

thumb_up thumb_down -79

Man: Hey whore! I got a job for you! A blow-Job... get it? HAR HAR HARR! Woman: Wtf? Man: Just a joke whore... wanna come to my place?

thumb_up thumb_down +30

What do you get when you cross a chicken with glue? My d***

thumb_up thumb_down +17

Hey girl, you a single mom I heard, I love that. Really? :D SURE! Hey just between us, how sexy are your kids on a scale from one to over nine thousand? Moral: Watch out ladies, I can only take care of so many of you... (you have kids? Meh, get lost,nothing personal, just you know... your kid)

thumb_up thumb_down +31

roses are red violets are blue i suck at rhyming get in the van.

thumb_up thumb_down +111

Q: Where did Bethany hide the dead baby? A: In the trash can

thumb_up thumb_down +94

Yo wazzup hoes? You knew black guys have the biggest dicks ever? ;) Uh, so what? You are white. Oh... yeah... Moral: Damn wiggers.

thumb_up thumb_down +35

-Hey babe, wanna go to my place and bang all night long? -No you freak. -Well, I gave you a choice.

thumb_up thumb_down +69

Your face is like mace, every time i see if i get blinded

thumb_up thumb_down -23

I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

thumb_up thumb_down -20

-What's your name sexy? -Taken!

thumb_up thumb_down +190

Muslim guy: "Hey can I get your number?" Chick:"Nine eleven"

thumb_up thumb_down -21

The word of the day is legs. Lets go to your place and spread the word

thumb_up thumb_down +90

Do women shake the petrol pump after filling or is that just a guy thing?

thumb_up thumb_down +6

You remind me of America. How so? Because you so fat!

thumb_up thumb_down +174

guy: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together Girl: Its a good thing N and O are already together

thumb_up thumb_down +19

-My girlfriend and I want different things out of our relationship. -She wants marriage, children and a house. -I just want out.

thumb_up thumb_down -141

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!