What happens when a drunk swedish man prank calls 911 from a local bar? The ambulance comes

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Guy: Da da da da da! I'm loving it. (looks at girl's crotch)

thumb_up thumb_down +35

"You'll do."

thumb_up thumb_down +132

Man: You got such beautiful eyes... they are so round and sensual, so full of life and bouncy and... Woman: Those are not my eyes! Man: TITS! I meant TITS! Damn I thought I had screwed up my chance to pound you`re ass for a second there... PHEW!

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Hi! Do you like fat guys with no money?

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Hey baby you looking for a stud? Cuz I've got the STD and all I need now is U

thumb_up thumb_down -26

are you on fire?

thumb_up thumb_down -69

My friend and I flipped a coin to see who will ask you out and I won.

thumb_up thumb_down -52

In a loud bar: Man: Do you enjoy gRape? Woman: HOW DARE YOU YOU PERVERT! Man: Uh... how about raisins then... Woman: Err... can you repeat that first question again... Moral: I would but I would have to bypass the censorship somehow...

thumb_up thumb_down -33

Man: hey... you seem pretty paralytic and unable to move in that wheelchair ;) Woman: uh oh...well actually I can move a bit... Man: Good because I do not wanna do ALL the thrusting back and forth... Woman: Bu.. but... I... I do not want to... Man: Well if you do not want sex, then just run away... ;) FATALITY... FLAWLESS VICTORY... RAPEALITY!

thumb_up thumb_down +31

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn't.

thumb_up thumb_down +28

Ps: I was signing books today, and some douche asked me: Are you that Neronism dude on Horsehead? YOu suck! Anyway, Fuck Neronism. Nero (the other one and his "peeps" are fuckups. (Below: Well actually Tina said if my wife can join, just as my wife said yes... ...And you would think that screwing somebody else after asking your wife is immoral... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY WIFE BECAUSE OF WHO SHE IS? Its called trust people *cape flowing in the air moon in background* Trust! NeroMetal I play Street Fighter V, And am an author, and I guess I get laid a lot... AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NERONISM OR THAT OTHER ASSHOLE IS! I just called myself asshole...

thumb_up thumb_down -9

She - Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? becuase your-- He - I did not fall from heaven, you ignorant little twat.

thumb_up thumb_down -119

As original as it gets: Domestical... Dog with a top hat and monocle: Yap Yap! *wiggles tail* woof woof! Dog?: MEOW!! HISS! *scratches dog and throws her drink at his face or you know... something that increases dramatic tension* and leaves. Dog: HOWL! *whimpers* :( *throws top hat away* Moral: They say every dog has his day, but I do not think this relationship was never meant to work out :(

thumb_up thumb_down -75

do you work at subway? 'cause you give me foot long. i'll do you a favour and cut it up

thumb_up thumb_down +64

You wanna have sex and get married?? Ok... Sorry.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

-Hey baby wanna paint the whole town red? -Yeah, with your blood

thumb_up thumb_down +91

- Ma'm, do you have a cigarette? - I don't really want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.

thumb_up thumb_down -9

Babe your dad is an terorist because your a real bomb !!!

thumb_up thumb_down -46

Girl - You smell nice, what have you got on? Boy - I have a hardon but i didn't think you could smell it.

thumb_up thumb_down +79

For Christmas I got some toy soldiers, To play with when I'm in bed, But I got bored with my seargents and majors, So I played with my privates instead.

thumb_up thumb_down -129

guy: wanna make some money? girl: Na, I do it for free, i'm offering free herpes

thumb_up thumb_down +30

there is a 50% chance that we make s** tonight from my side i agree

thumb_up thumb_down -48

Macho Man: Release the BOGUS! Woman: What? Super Macho Man: Never mind... no one will get this anyways... wanna go to McDonalds and get a Little Mac? Woman: Ok but I want a Big mac! Macho Man: What is a Big mac? Is it stronger than a little Mac? Woman: Huh? What do you mean? Macho Man: Sigh... and I actually fought Mike Tyson you know... Woman: So you are a boxer huh? Who are you gonna fight next? Macho Man: Sigh... Mr.Dream... Woman: Who the hell is that? Macho Man: a nobody...

thumb_up thumb_down +13

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!