"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Yes. I ruptured my bowels upon impact."

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What did the blond do when the web page she was visiting didn't load? She checked if her wireless access had been somehow cut off and then hit the refresh button and waited for the page to load again.

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- If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together - U and me - Grammer freak

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Happy BirthdaySean!

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Real life anti Joke mambo number five: Me: Hey wanna do it? Girl: I am a nun now remember? Me: Yeah but I always wanted to do it with a nun ;). Moral: She forgave me, nine years later :P

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my love for you is like diarrhea. i can never hold it in

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-You know I've always had a thing for blondes -thats funny, i've always had a thing for girls

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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you are absolutely beautifull...?? Her: (smiles) and says no.. Him: there is a good reaseon for that..

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Pick up lines from the stone age: Fail. Man: Hello, you look beautiful, I speak very well, and if you allow me to make love with you, I promise I will protect you and raise the child with you :)! Woman: WHAT? A guy without wild chesthair that speaks instead of grunting and yelling? You to sex me and you do not even got a club? I am SOOO gonna go to Grogg instead! He has like the biggest club and knows how to really HIT a woman! Moral: I would say somethings do change, but Id rather be Grogg than the loser above, of course I prefer hitting ON women first, if that does not work I... Oh right, I am married :P

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Man: Hey, I've been kinda watching you through the night and I'd really be mad if I didn't talk to you tonight. So um, do you want to grab a bite to eat sometime or something? Woman: I'm married but you seem like a nice guy so yea... yea, I'd like that alot.

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Okay, I lied, the one below actually kinda works, people get impressed, it is quite the accomplishment you know... But since I am gonna get married soon I don't pick up as much as I should anyways. Moral: Man

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did you fall from heaven, cause i forgot my library card.

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Real life anti Joke: At my school Me as a teen: Hey, I don't know me, and I don't know you, but we both live at the same private school, how about you come with me later and so I can screw you really hard? Girl: My God I love confident guys, sure! Me: Wha...what? That is not quite what I uh... You mean *blush* really want to have sex with me? I mean I am... co-conifden I mean confident but like really? Girl: Meh, not anymore... Moral: Must have been quite some time ago because it took me years to understand why she refused at the end...

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Female=You Son of a B*tch! Male=Hi Mum!

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sound of zipper

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Roses are red violets are blue this isn't a poem I'm a botanist.

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Hey... wanna hang out with a guy that thumbs ups his own comments? ;)

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Are you from Tennessee? Because your accent sounds stupid.

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Dating post: "Nice male looking for female company, I have a steady job and would prefer if you too had a job, you will be particularity happy if you have a small penis fetish. Signed BIGPENIS19INCHESJIMlight sleeper

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He: You're as pretty as a picture. She: Thank you. He: Unfortunately, it's a picture of shit. She: -__-

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Guy: Hey, cutie! What's your name? Girl: JOHN CENA.

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You're a bit heavier but i think I can fit you in a barrel.

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Man: Honey, I can't choose between watching golf or porn? Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.

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Dating tips 101: First you find a girl that likes you. Then you realize no girl likes you. Moral: Lesson done.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!