Get your coat, I've got a knife.

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guy:did you fall from heaven? girl:no? guy:sorry, it just looks like you landed on your face

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Good news: you'll never-ever-ever have a zit again. Bad news: because there's no more space for it to pop out.

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- Did you fall from heaven? - No, I dug my way up from Hell.

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GET INTO DA CHOPPAH! Moral: IM LIEUTENANT JOHN KIMBLE! I HAVE A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS YOU HAVE TO ANSWER IMMEDIATELY! Whoos your daddy? YOU STAP IT! YOU IDIEOUT!

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Excuse me, is your father a gardener? No. Why? Because he keeps leaving all his dry leaves on my sidewalk please tell him to clear it!

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"Hey can I get your number?" "-12 Like the inches of your dick."

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-You are so lovely. -DOES NOT COMPUTE...

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Guy: Can we go on a date? Girl: A date? You couldn't find a date if I handed you a bag of fruit!

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SEE WHAT’S UP, DOWN UNDER.

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- Hey do you wanna hang out? - I'm 17.

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Is there a mirror in your pants? If so, you should shove it up your ass, it would probably make you look better.

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HE ; " MY NAME'S BOND, JAMES BOND" SHE;" MY NAME'S ****, **** OFF!"

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How much does a polar bear weigh? On average 1135 lbs.

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Girl: I was just wondering... Boy: Smell my armpits on July 24th, 2016!

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baby please dont make this rape turn into a murder

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Batman enters a bar: Batman: Ladies... I am Batman... *everyone runs out screaming* Batman: *facepalm* Moral: Want to be feared? Well what did you expect? Who I am? Are you dense? Retarded or something? I am the goddamn Moral-Man!

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-I like my woman like I like my coffee... without a penis

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Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilised.

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Roses are red, violets are blue I thought I was ugly, but then I met you

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M - If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together. F - Yeah, it's too bad that N and O are already together.

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Whats best about having sex with twenty six year olds?..... Theres twenty of them!

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Guy: Would you like to dance? Girl: no Guy: Good! Because I have to go take a shit!

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Man: Hello! Mishimush! This is a Mister Borat eh? I would like to make the sexy time with you now woman... Eh can I make the rape on you? I will not make much crushings on you if you do not bite okay? Girl: WOW! SURE! Man: Sigh... I... (takes of wig and mustachio) I am actually Sasha Baron Cohen and this is just a hidden camera scene for my movie an.. Girl: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU YOU UGLY BASTARD! GET LOST! Man: DAMN! But its me the same guy and I think I just fell in love with you an... Girl: GET OUT YOU PERVERT! 10 minutes later: Man: Hello there oh honey, this is da berlinen wassenflass Bhruno and I would like you to help me make me the hetrosexal man for das werbungen of my movie star eh? Girl: .( Sigh... I miss that Borat guy... Man: But its me! I am Both Borat and Bruno and... Girl: YOU AGAIN?! GET LOST ASSHOLE! Man: Damn... something just went very very wrong here did it not? Borat: Hello the mister Baron eh? Mishimush! I am the making movie of Crushings of America! And this is my very Manly Man Bruno! Bruno: Hello hot stuff! Cohens! Me and Borat would like to make the very manly thing with you in a threycantzen of tree peepols! Borat: EH YES! We make bang bang in the anoos together with man man and man so no gays make us they slaves! Director: Is something wrong Mr.Cohen? Man: Uh... I think I need to see a shrink for a while after this experience...

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!