Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma?

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- OMG, OMG, OMG, Terry finally said he will go out with me! -OMG, When? -February 30th! -Stacey, There is no February 30th.

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That outfit looks fantastic on you... ..it would look even better in an evidence bag

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How do you know where gonna have sex tonight.Im stronger than you.

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-don't sit on the table, people eat there! -don't sit on that chair, people sit there!

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Wanna go back to my place and watch some CarVideos?

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Woman: Seriously you are like the perfect man, I barely even met you and want to marry you already! What is your name by the way? Guy: My name is Le Petite Chessedeburger Withnowhitesauce! Woman: I am gay by the way, gotta go feed my uh... my wife yeah my wife.

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Is there a mirror in your pocket?... Because if so, you should probably take it out and, uh, fix what you have going on there.

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Ma'am, I'm sorry I'd like to ask a favour. Yes? Well, my penis died and I was wondering if I could bury it in your vagina?

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Male: Hey babe! Wanna come to my house for a party? Female: Sorry! Don't have my herpes shot!

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I'm jealous of every girl that hugs you, Because for that one second she held my entire world.

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Shall I compare you to a summer's day? Damn you're hot!

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Is your father a gardener? -No, why? ..Because I was wondering what a cactus like you doing in a place like this.

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Holla holla holla, ill be there like right now, its a bit far. But dawg, did you say you are both at work and banging a chick? Someone is bragging here yo son! Anyways, phone is dead, gotten towed like 50-60 times in total (not only the freeway), and... Nah man, its cool, you know I dont really ask for much, I mean I can still pay you something. Yeah your skinny bitch hands, you can slap me 50 times son.

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"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Yes. I ruptured my bowels upon impact."

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Girl, did it hurt when you got dragged up all the way from hell? Moral: The hell with morals!

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What happens if an Internet troll has a heart attack Doesn't matter nobody will care

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Is it hot in here or are you just suffocating me in this relationship

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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

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Guy: You look two times as beautiful with makup on. Girl: Really? I think you would too.

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Man: Hey I am the hunk that writes the stories with morals, and I thumb them up myself... since they mostly get thumbed down slower that way... Ladies: REALLY! WOW WE NEVER THOUGHT WE WOULD MEET A CELEBRITY! LETS HAVE AN ORGY! Man: HEY! LADIES WAIT WAIT! ONLY 8 AT THE TIME! HELP I AM GETTING GRAPED!... Anyway who am I kidding please proceed but stop fighting over the joystick I have enough joy to all thanks to my writing progress!¨ Moral: His-tory AKa My-Story, and you know that they say that the winners are the one to write history ;), and if you do not know what I mean, you are probable banging me too right now... (true story)

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Roses are red Violets are blue I'm using my hand but thinking of you ;)

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I have a knife and a penis. Choose which one goes in you.

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Mother: Fuck me son fuck me harder. Me: Mother no! My body is not ready aaaaaaaaaarghhh! Moral: Why do dreams have to stop when it gets good? Dont know son, ready for round two?

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!