Intro music with slow motion running starts as I shut off the tv forever

thumb_up thumb_down +43

Hey :) Hi Do you like me? :) No :'( You never asked if i loved you... Awhhhh do you love me :) No

thumb_up thumb_down +15

Man: Hey yo sexy, wanna do it in the toilet so I can brag about banging the prom queen? The toilets are dirty but I got aids anyways and... Fine brit Lady: Eh well sire, you see... SURE! Moral: ANTICLIMACTIC ENDING SUCCESS!

thumb_up thumb_down +1

Husband: I will always get breakfast and newspapers in bed AT 5:30 baby, but not wake me when you wake up at 4:30

thumb_up thumb_down -75

-Did you just fart? Cause you blew me away.

thumb_up thumb_down -89

He- You've got something on your ass. She- What? He- Oh never mind, it's just a period stain.

thumb_up thumb_down +30

Guy:I got stds! Wanna do it? Girl:what the f*** did u just say?guy:oh std ummmm save the dogs?uh ya that save the dogs I own a animal shelter! Girl:I'm not stupid guy: u sure? (Slap)

thumb_up thumb_down +18

Man: Your body is a tempe! Woman: Sorry, no services today.

thumb_up thumb_down +8

Hey girl, I am a rich guy with a huge estate and stuff, while you live under a cardboard box so... Your place or mine? Both, I to your place, and you to mine.

thumb_up thumb_down -4

Are you from hogwarts, because I really want to put my basilisk into your chamber of secrets

thumb_up thumb_down -12

Moral man enters a bar and spots a sad girl. MMan: Why so sad? Lady: My father died... MMan: And you want him to see you sad, from wherever he may be? Lady: No but how am I supposed to be happy about it? MMan: Remember the happy days you spent, because they are many more than the days you will see his gravestone, and if nothing else, we can always keep those alive within our heart happily, as long as we are happy in OUR heart... Moral: I would have called this meaningless bull before, but this is a true story, and those words are the reason I just celebrated my two year anniversary with my girlfriend, the most amazing girl ever... which just sang out of joy btw... I may be different... but if a man can keep those he loves happy, he is indeed a true man... Ok now she wants to know what I am typing, so I say nothing and put this self brag away, because I share with you, but heck, what am I? Somekind of romantic? Answer: Meh, I am the ever lovable jerk you may not like, but cant stop loving once you know me either... The anti-part? Dunno, dont care :D

thumb_up thumb_down -80

-"Hey babe, you gotta nice ass!" -"Yep, and it doesn't like a rude one staring at it."

thumb_up thumb_down -98

You look just like my sister! That's funny,... CUZ IM A DUDE

thumb_up thumb_down +55

Hey girl, is your name Ethiopian food? Because your playing hard to get.

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Man and woman in bed, as the man looks troubled: Woman: Hey you are not in the mood? Whats wrong? Man looking down his pants: SNAKE! ANSWER ME! SNAKE WHATS WRONG? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEEEEEEE! Woman: We arent gonna have sex huh? Man looks down pants again: Nuh huh... game over girl... game over...

thumb_up thumb_down -15

Dont people ever get tired of PRETENDING like they dont need others aproval? I NEED APPROVAL I NEED APPROVAL! Moral: I REALLY DO! YEEEEEEEEES BECAUSE...Uh...you matter more than me? Nah, nothing like that, only I matter more than you...

thumb_up thumb_down -43

my girlfriend is really insecure about her weight so much so that I'm thinking about detaching the reverse alarm

thumb_up thumb_down -107

Put the lotion on the skin!

thumb_up thumb_down +32

Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Man: Your tag's showing. It says "Made in Heaven". Woman: *Proceeds to leak period blood into a puddle at the man's feet and walks away in silence*

thumb_up thumb_down -192

Hey gorgeous what are you drinking? Cyanide.

thumb_up thumb_down +79

Do you work at Subway, because you're giving me a footlong. No actually, I once had a job at a local Quizno's Sub Shop. However a tragic fire killed several employees and customers at this very location. I survived, but lost have permanent Third-Degree burns across my body. My life is ruined, prick.

thumb_up thumb_down +53

If you were a booger i would pick you Good thing you have no hands

thumb_up thumb_down +41

M: Woah I am drunk baby... But I gotta say... you`re the hottest bitch in town! B: Bark bark!

thumb_up thumb_down +39

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!