Man: GASP! Why is my penis inside your vagina? Why do you keep thrusting and screami... Woman: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ASSHOLE! Man: Uh... what where am... Oh... Forgive me, I am a psychic and I keep getting premonitions of the near future... Moral: GASP WHAT ARE YOU FEMALE READERS DOING WITH MY PINGAS INSIDE YOUR MOUTH!

If we were confronted, by a vicious man-eating bear with chain-saws for hands and fangs, holding a hammer; than I would sincerley hope you wouldn't be harmed because you're pretty.

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Eat me, I'm organic!

At a drinking place :P: Man: You dare mock the great Sh... Woman: I am sorry I did not mean to humiliate that much... ehehehehe you are just a stupid jlttle nerd and all... :) Man: You will die moral... Woman: What?! Uh... did I mention how awesome you are? What was your name again? Man: You weak pathetic fool! 8 hours later: Woman: Please! Let me stay! Just for a little longer! Barman: Sigh... fine have a drink on the house. Woman: *sips drink and dies* Barman: Mission complete sir, she died instantly! Man: Instantly without pain? THAT WAS PATHETIC! Now... SUICIDE! Barman: No I refuse! Man: Drink it... or face the true WRATH OF SHAO KAHN! Barman: The true wrath? ANYTHING BUT THAT!*Punches himself in the balls hoping he dies from the pain, passes out and tries again* Man Is That your best? That was pathetic! Its official, you suck! Bhahahahahahaha! Moral: Fear the Wrath of Shao Kahn!

Wow, Adrenal exhaustion due to overextansive sex... I lost to a woman dude (yeah you too eriksen you faggot) doctor says I need to stay away from any strainous activities at least a while, and hard sex for at least six hours... Six hours is nothing! I lost only the first round! Bahahahahahaha! Remember those ridiculous hentays, no its typing it wrong dont type listen my waifu not my (wife) is quoting me as I am feverish and throwing up and anxious, anyways those animes where bunch of women would win (dunno I did not understand Japanese then, not even the subtitles) pay the rent forever smileyface draw a smileyface (sorry Harry no idea how to draw here) My god, Harris, you know who is quoting me here, she is the fucking stupid one XD yes that is smileyface XD! Anyway, I was defeated here, This "just" some woman, fucked me sick... I am laughing here, I dont care if nobody reads it, I feel sick as shit, and yet I am in heaven... Bakakakakaka... IM NO CHICKEN YOU IDIOT ITS H`S sorry babe, no you moron dont include your name, you are all my miserable pile of secrets kastlevania lol she is tryng as hard as she can to quote me here. Oh and I know you like her, she is red laughing with me here, Wakawakwakwaka yes you got packman right NOOOO mor big OOOS XD Its P A C M A N... XD Why the spaces? Okay, just having fun from this side now, since they are just terrible quotes and not my direct words WITH HORRIBLE LACK OF SPACING I DID NOT SPACE THE HALF THIS, I AM JUST PISSING WAIFU OFF HERE OF IS WITH ONE F! XD XD YES EXDE NO THE SMILEY AGAIN XD Anyway "Harris" Nero is being a bit too Metal here, "abusing himself a bit too much" as they say.. WHO SAYS THAT? YOU SOME PRINNY NANNY? Okay I will shut up, why are you quoting everything? Okay, post it, what you looking at me like that for? POst it? Its not too long! You are making it longer... AND HARDER! cOME ON NOW POST IT... (My God, they do not call this guy Metal for nothing, I know its just Horsehead, but this dude is loco. BITCH COME HERE I AM NOT LOCO I AM INSANO! CAPTAIN INSANO! "THIS DUDE? YOU KNOWN ME FOR OVER FIVE YEaRs YOU SLUT! STOP DARING ME, POST IT ALL AND STOP CAPPING MY LETTERS I CAN BARELY SPEAK *coughcough* (sound of slime) HEY STOP THAT! Okay her Name is Natalia was it Ember? WIFE NUMBER ONE MAKE HER POST HER REAL NAME SO PEOPLE K (wife Number one here, Natalia Embers, yeah, people as Nero says, so nobody shall messeth with the goddeth of darkneseth and loveth" YES I AM SURE THY SHALL POST IT! WHy remove caplock ffs, XD, now post it, I Nero Metal take full responsability jumå... No more spaces There you go, I Nero "Metal" Lastnameredacted take full responsability for this ridiculously long comment (not my words I think its perfect length just like my dick) And if it crashes this piece of shit sitedotdotdot...yeah those babe. THEN I SHALL BE KNOWN AS THE MAN THAT DESTROYED THE INTERWEBS WITH HENTAI AND SEXHAUSTION! IT SHALL BE LEGENDARY! Seriously, post it, come on, ok we can change the name, its not the name it says, we were just toyi... Will you just post tht thing? No dont remove anything, post it, because I am Insane and insane means 2 wifes and about everyone else... Ok? Ok... Final note: Thou Harris of nameth shall readeth all this a hundred and fifthy say thousand times, or car thy shall be redacted. JAYKAY... No dumbass just kidding, no dont delete it, im having fun, allright allright sorrey I called you dumbass I was taking to "name" that is typing this not you, what you worried about, I am just tired... POST IT COME ON! NO I AM NOT ASHAMED I AM GOD GOD KNOWS NO SHAME SO POST IT, PS DARKGOD GOOD WORK "NOT SHARING MY NAME HERE" GOOD GIRL; NOW GET OVER HERE YOUR FRIEND NEARLY RAPED ME TO DEATH, YES POST IT I DARE YOU! YOU DO NOT DARE ME, THIS COMMENT TRIGGERS THE APOCALYPSE YOU WACKONutS THEN MAKE IT HAPPEN! MAKE ME THE usHERER OF THE END! seriously will one of you please just agree to the terms and nuke the world with this comment? Fine ill do it mysself, HAH THE cOMPUTER IS AGAIN MINE! YOU MUST ALL READ THIS UNTIL YOUR EYEs BLEED BECAUSE THEsE ARE THE WORDS OF.. I dont know, just post it, please? Please do not make me kick your ass out of my room? Thank you very much, ASHAMED? ME ASHAMED OF TYPING THE COMMENT THAT WILL RUIN THE WOLRD? GIRL THY ARE NUTHS, AND YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO SPELL WORLD POST IT NOW! YEs I AM SURE!

I heard you were looking for a STUD, well I have an STD all I need is U

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

M: On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight? F: North Korea

Girl:Want to go out this Friday? Boy: No I like to stay inside. Girl: No I mean are you free this Friday? Boy:No Im expencive!

Hey chicks! I am a very experienced suicide bomber, I was even in the plane that blew up the world trade center A ;) ¨ Moral: This must be the worst pickupline ever for oh so many reasons on so many levels...

Yo wazzup hoes? You knew black guys have the biggest dicks ever? ;) Uh, so what? You are white. Oh... yeah... Moral: Damn wiggers.

M. Do you want to go out with me? F. Okay but first take me to your place where we can be alone to make furious love to one another M. Wow this never happens I must be.. (Wakes up) dreaming

Did you fall from heaven? Cause you d*** sure look like a demon!

Grapist: I bet you like getting Graped, tied up and beaten muahahahahaha! I am so gonna do the worst things to you! Woman: YES PLEASE! Man: MAAAAAAAAAAAN your not fun anymore... Moral: Its not grape if she wants it... and I guess grapists dont like that... remember that girls whenever someone is gonna rape you just say YES unless they yell surprise though... then its surprise sex.

Guy: I got you a gift. It's a Necklace. Girl: Awww thats so nice. Guy: BAZINGA Its my dick.

Hey ladies ;) I like to post lots of anti-pickuplines! ;) Girls: WOW! I WANNA JOIN YOU HOME! ME TOO ME TOO! The anti-part: This will never happen in real life.

sHe; Theirs a "L" in love. he; and theirs a L in Lick my penis.

Female: Hey do you wann- Male: You got a purty mouth

Boy : Gurle: hi

-Hey, do you have a cat? -Why do you ask? -Because I'd love to pet your pussy. -Well, that makes two of us.

Drunk woman enters what she thinks is a bar... (how original). "man gets close to her" Woman: You men are all dogs! Man: Bark bark! Woman: No need to get cheeky with me asshole! Man: Bark bark... Woman proceeds to pass out and wake up at a kennel... "Mandog": Bark bark. Moral: If you think every man is a dog, then you may just be bark barking the wrong tree... or place... I mean dont expect to find nice men at a dirty bar, and dont expect to find horny jerks at your church reunion. (A moral man original... and I actually like this one!)

Roses are red Violets are blue Get in the car I want to rape you

GIRL: I bet you say that to all the girls you meet. MAN: How much you want to bet? No wait, I better not make that bet. (or) MAN: Only half the ones I get this far in conversation with. The other half are a little bit easier to get in bed with.

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

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