He i would love to have sex with you She. I know but you have aids

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- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'U' and 'I' together. - No, it's okay. 'N' and 'O' are already together.

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Did you fall from heaven? Cause you d*** sure look like a demon!

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I have the smallest erected dick in town, if you don't believe me ask my mama!

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? Use it next time you put your d**n make-up on.

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Happy BirthdaySean!

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-You are so lovely. -DOES NOT COMPUTE...

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Hey baby! If I said you had a good body, would you hold it against me? - [ It's unknown who originally said this. Maybe it was some rowdy guy in a 1970s disco].

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-I wish i were DNA helicase so i could unzip your genes. -You're a loser

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Guy: Would you like to dance? Girl: no Guy: Good! Because I have to go take a shit!

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Guy - Did it hurt? Girl - Giving birth to my triplets? Yes, it was like shitting a walrus.

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Did you just fart? Cause it smells like shit in here

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here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

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My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidentally gave her the glue stick, she is still not talking to me.

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How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge? Broken fridge.

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Man and girl talking: Girl: ARE YOU GETTING A HARDON? Man: You think I am a pervert or something? Of course not! Its just the hamster I keep between my ballsack!

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I like your shirt, it would look better in my pants

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Hey wanna smash pissers?

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Ps: I was signing books today, and some douche asked me: Are you that Neronism dude on Horsehead? YOu suck! Anyway, Fuck Neronism. Nero (the other one and his "peeps" are fuckups. (Below: Well actually Tina said if my wife can join, just as my wife said yes... ...And you would think that screwing somebody else after asking your wife is immoral... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY WIFE BECAUSE OF WHO SHE IS? Its called trust people *cape flowing in the air moon in background* Trust! NeroMetal I play Street Fighter V, And am an author, and I guess I get laid a lot... AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NERONISM OR THAT OTHER ASSHOLE IS! I just called myself asshole...

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Sugar-free sugar cookies

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Hey baby, do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight. ... Well, you can't score if the player ain't no good.

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If you go out with me there might be some smegma in it for you.

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A polar bear and a penguin were taking a bath. The polar bear asked the penguin to pass the soap. the penguin responded by saying,"What do i look like a microwave?"

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Oh hotness I wanna bang you!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!