Nielsen: Nice beaver! Woman: Thanks! Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice p*ssy Woman: Ah! Thank you! (cat meows) Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice wet vagina. Woman: Is this in the script? Director: CUT! Nielsen: What? Cant a man improvise? I mean OJ does it, and he is quite the nice fella... Moral: "Quite the nice fella" Yeah reminds me of good old dad, nice to everyone, and could take a lot of shit, but as much as I asked him how he was doing, I got an uppercut to the face and a nice trip in a ambulance... Started when I was 4, I crushed his upper Jaw in self defense when I was 16... ah... hmm... Why am I sharing this? Then again why not... When have I not spoken my mind.

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Can I have this dance? Sure just give me a minute to load my gun

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Are you a broom? Cause you look like a rather dull, inanimate object that collects dust.

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Man - I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. Woman - Not mine!

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I hope you know CPR, because you so ugly you take my breath away

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M: Wanna play dynamite? W: what's that? M: I lie on my back and you blow the sh** out of me.

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I have a really big..... Bank Account

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Man with huge arms and HUGE muscles enters a... pub! (for variety`s sake) "Hey you like fisting!" Woman: Yeah kinda.. I mean HOLY SHIT NO! I DONT PLEASE STOP NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH! Moral: Get a room you two! (a moral man original)

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Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma?

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Your hair is really beautiful. Thanks. Can I make a wig out of it?

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Male: You're so beautiful. Female: Well thank you. Male: Yeah, you look just like my Mom.

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Male: Hey baby you wanna play telephone, i got the string and you got the cans! Female: ...

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Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I don't want for Christmas?

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Muslim guy: "Hey can I get your number?" Chick:"Nine eleven"

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Boy: You remind me of the ocean Girl: Because I'm mysterious, adventurous, and romantic? Boy: No, because you make me sick

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The word of the day is ass, lets go upstairs and observe the word.

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damn, girl... you look like you put your socks on BOTH feet.

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Guy: want to hear a joke about my penis. don't worry, it's too long Girl: want to hear a joke about my vagina. don't worry, you won't get it

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Do you know karate? Because I'd like to kick you in the face.

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hey did you fall from heaven? because my car is all smashed up.

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In a classy bar: KEEP IT CLASSY! Man: Hello there dear... your eyes sparkle like the sun itself... Woman: Oh... thank you random stranger, that is the most beautiful thing someone have ever said to me :D Man: Really? But you are gorgeous (the two proceed to have a long CLASSY conversation and laughing in a classy reserved matter and drinking classy champagne and whatever... and then: Man: Ahahaha yes that is indeed true... By the way... would you mind becoming the single lonely mother of my children? Moral: skipped most of school classes... class ... overrated...

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-Get in the Van

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*on Halloween* Male: My name's Dick, and you're a very pretty PUSSY-cat. Female: I'll cut off your penis.

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Hey giiiiiiiiiiirl, I'm no Flinstone but I can make your bedrock.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!