Hey this is crazy and I just met you so here's the kitchen a sandwich maybe?

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Hey babe, where've you been all my life. Well let's see, I used to live up north in Newcastle then I moved to Liverpool and I'm just down here in London for one day on work.

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-You are so lovely. -DOES NOT COMPUTE...

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- you are in my mind everyday - and your in my way

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Girl, you must be a parking ticket. Because you got 'Please pay within 30 days. Failure to do so you will face prosecution at the local court.' written all over you.

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Man: Are you from heaven? Man: Cause ive got an erection

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Guy for a girl with a dog: -Does the dog have a cell phone? -Why? is your mom in heat?

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hey babe, are you made of copper, tellerium, tungsten and iridium? because i like people made of copper, tellerium, tungsten and iridium.

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Lets play the Yes/No game the rules are you can only say yes or no once to the questions, No. 1 Are you beautiful?, No.2 Are you Lying?

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-Good thing I brought my library card, 'cause I'm checking you out! -What a shame, it's expired.

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Hey baby! If I said you had a good body, would you hold it against me? - [ It's unknown who originally said this. Maybe it was some rowdy guy in a 1970s disco].

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How'd you like to earn 14 dollars, the HARD way?

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With the escalating price of rohypnol, most girls aren't worth my attention.

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-I wish i were DNA helicase so i could unzip your genes. -You're a loser

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Guy: Would you like to dance? Girl: no Guy: Good! Because I have to go take a shit!

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-don't sit on the table, people eat there! -don't sit on that chair, people sit there!

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-Get in the Van

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I may have never f*cked a 10 before, but I did f*ck five 2's.

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Roses are red, violets are blue. When I take a shit I think about you bitch *flushes the toilet*

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Guy - Did it hurt? Girl - Giving birth to my triplets? Yes, it was like shitting a walrus.

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Did you just fart? Cause it smells like shit in here

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Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd like to tap that ass.

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Male: Did you get your tickes to the barbercue? Female: What barbercue? Male: The barbercue where i put my meat on your face.

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here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!