You are almost as beautiful as my mother.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet... It's when you put her in the trunk of your car that she starts to freak out.

thumb_up thumb_down -37

*a guy and a girl meet at a bar and has a great conversation* girl - can I borrow your phone? I told my ex I'd call him when I found someone better. boy - sure, here you go *gives phone* girl - *silence* *after awkward phone call* boy - give me my phone back girl - you dont seem to get it do you... boy - give me my phone back girl - *silence* boy - GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK YOU BITCH *boy takes out a shotgun with him and repeatedly shoots girl* *girl dodges and takes a bazooka and aims for boy* *boy manages to get out of the bar* *boy installs bomb in center of bar* *boy leaves bar* *everyone attempts to get out of bar* *boy locks the door* boy - Yippie kai yay, moth- *explosion* *everyone dies* MORAL OF THE STORY - DO NOT GO INTO A BAR

thumb_up thumb_down -99

A: Wanna go get some pizza and then have sex at my place?? B: No.. B: U don't like pizza? Some chinees then?

thumb_up thumb_down +64

Male: Are you from Tennessee? Female: Why? Male: Cus you look like an inbred hick

thumb_up thumb_down +33

Did it hurt? Did what hurt? When you fell from heaven.. and crushed all the people below (for a fat girl)

thumb_up thumb_down -37

when ilfe gives you lemons i squirt the jiuce in my eyes so i dont have to stare at you anymore :)

thumb_up thumb_down -108

Guy- Hey girl do u like math Girl-um, sure Guy- ok I got a problem... Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and multiply the bodies.... What does that equal.... Girl- u and ur homo friends

thumb_up thumb_down +80

Roses are red, Violets are Blue, Dont talk to me, and I wont talk to you.

thumb_up thumb_down -110

Ya know what would look good on you? ME!

thumb_up thumb_down +72

Baby! you're on fire! Yeah, well I am an arsonist.

thumb_up thumb_down -62

Are your prices by the hour

thumb_up thumb_down -23

- If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put I and U together. - Would you also change it so that I is an object, therefore making your previous sentence grammatically correct? And besides, I already organized the alphabet so that N and O are right next to each other.

thumb_up thumb_down +40

Do you have a mirror in your pants, because it looks like you have a dick.

thumb_up thumb_down -35

A modified classic, props to the original poster: Man: Ask me out! Woman: Ok, get out! Man: No no, I said ASK me out. Woman: Okay... will you please get out? Man: No but thanks for asking me out, I am so gonna tell your friends how I rejected you asking me out. Moral: When beaten... THERE IS NO BEATING! If negative people can turn everything into a loss, thinking positive call help you turn anything into victory. I mean Hitler murdered millions right? Arent you happy (Jew or not), that it was not you? VICTORY! (if somehow Pyrrhic depending on how you turn on it... But if you wanna turn a gain to a pain, go ahead...)

thumb_up thumb_down +24

hello my name is pogo would you like to jump on my stick?

thumb_up thumb_down -59

He: pick a number between 1 and 10 Her: 8 He: you lose take your top-off!

thumb_up thumb_down -66

Roses are red Violets are blue I have a gun Get in the van

thumb_up thumb_down -37

There's a reason why they call my penis the Bunker Buster.

thumb_up thumb_down -44

- Hello There Pretty Lady! - Hi... - Wow, your the fist girl I've met who has bigger boobs than I do! - Tw*t

thumb_up thumb_down -1

Whatever I'll just date myself.

thumb_up thumb_down +55

I love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Me: it smells in here Her: its maybe my perfume! Me: no i let a glorious fart fallowed my an ass crapping on my foot

thumb_up thumb_down -45

Girl: "In all of my years, I've never laid eyes on a more attractive, sensitive, and understanding man. With all of my heart, I adore you. Your eyes are pools of heavenly water, teeming with life and love; your succulent smile crafted as elegantly as Mona Lisa's. Your words could move nations; your voice could soothe beasts. Do me the ultimate pleasure of accepting my eternal devotion to you." Boy: "I'm gay."

thumb_up thumb_down +146

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!