- Anti-Pickup Line

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Yeah, because I landed on a mailbox, and hit the area between my legs really hard. It's a mess down there. Blood everywhere. And something's oozing, but I don't know what the liquid coming out is. person who spoke first runs away. bystanders laugh

He: did it hurt? She: when i fell from heaven? He: no. when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down. go put some clothes on.

He- You've got something on your ass. She- What? He- Oh never mind, it's just a period stain.

Male: Man, if we were married... Female: What? We'd make beautiful children? Male: No, I'd leave your sorry, and ungrateful ass and make you stay with the kid.

Is that a ladder in your hose or the stairway to heaven? It is the stairway to heaven, but I've already got an asshole up there

I thought you were cute, so the voices told me to come say hi.

hey Herpes Go Away!

Real life anti Joke: At my school Me as a teen: Hey, I don't know me, and I don't know you, but we both live at the same private school, how about you come with me later and so I can screw you really hard? Girl: My God I love confident guys, sure! Me: Wha...what? That is not quite what I uh... You mean blush really want to have sex with me? I mean I am... co-conifden I mean confident but like really? Girl: Meh, not anymore... Moral: Must have been quite some time ago because it took me years to understand why she refused at the end...

Man:Hey, do you know what chloroform smells like? Woman:No. Man:Well, you're about to find out.

Boy: Did it hurt? Girl: Did what hurt? Boy: When a tractor fell on your face?

Yeah... you'll have to do.

"Hmm...you'll do."

If you go out with me there might be some smegma in it for you.

Words of wisdom: temptations from the darker side, but do you got what it takes? (Balls children, balls) Example "not" from real life: My three girlfriends leave after all five of us bang well me (my wife is with em too now wait) the three others leave, my wife asks me what I thought about the... Manysome? Im tired, (for a reason eh?) I asked her to tell me first, she looked me in the eyes and said, lets invite them over again tomorrow. I raised my arm saying "FUCK YEAH! A LITERALL FUCK YEAH! RISING MY ARM INTO THE AIR AS A PUMP FIST, BUT SHE HIGH FIVED ME INSTEAD... What is there not to love? Where does the love fail? Love is endless and grows the more you share, SO START FUCKING MORE! No really lets analyze this, if you are scared already now, you are a bible bashing geek, and not selected to join the gene pool for the next generation, you see, mother nature weeds out filth such as you... While I... Well I got everything I want... ...Now if you could say the same, maybe you can, but its not something you can learn, its something you got to be. Lets move on shall we? 1. Oh No Nero, this means you do not love your wife? I do not love my wife because she not only allows me but with the condition that she can join? And that we beforehand agree if we like said people? I do not love my wife because I can fuck whoever I want whenever I want without her feeling insecure because what she loves most about me is how safe she feels with me present? Advice: Learn to think less like the dope pope and more like Nero the ladies Hero. (and Dont go making rhymes like that unless you are awesome like me). 2. AHA! THIS MEANS YOUR WIFE DOES NOT LOVE YOU! Uh, she knew she was marrying a womanizer, because she fell in love with said womanizer and not in what she could "transform him into", not what she could shape a man she considers perfect for her, if not perfect as a God (fuck I agree) and said womanizer made her feel safe enough to try if she would enjoy one or several more, and as an experienced well, courtesan (my my that was classy) I know that women tend to like each other... you know under 100 percent of my introductions... Why? We men (not you geeks) where born to fight, genetically we preserved/married hundred of women which are genetically weaker of strength (if not today, its because lesbos are invading us but hey) But could that man bang his 300 chicks all the time? NO, so what did they do... Well they had themselves a party, the man created more babies, and those women left a bit out, where suddenly not so shy about seeking a bit more than the "simpler" forms of company, this trait grew genetically stronger during the years during evolution, and there we go. You dont have to listen to me you know, my advices are only for the hardcore, bad ass MEN with some sincere intentions, and awesome attitude... You might simply have the bible or some other "bright" biblical value up your ass. Or take it out, and accept that you might be seen as an asshole by men, while your women will always be there to fulfill your every (other?) need? I dunno maybe you like men on the side or something, but I prefer watching a sportsgame with a couple of chicks, and just mine rather than a couple of dicks, then I go play playstation 4 with my "waifu" (the one I am legally married with does not enjoy games, so her I go watch television and have deep meaningful conversations with) The thing is, I cant convince you, this is either something you are born to do, or born to try to do and never get the chance to ending up a sad old virgin... Or simply the non genuine guy, getting a woman drunk and trying to fuck her before what? She throws up all over you? Is that your bright light? You can be darker, I would know, as I am Nero/Black. The End? Advice: She loves me for who I am for what I do, advice Numero dos: If you cannot be Nero, try going for the second best

Woman: Hey hot stuff! Are you new around he... Man: Eh, I am not comfortable with women hitting on me, even hot ones like you, its just uh... awkward and... Woman: uh sorry, its not like I was hitting on you nor anything ;), Why dont you hit on me? Man: Uh... I err.. how you... uh... the guy proceeds to stare at the floor for the next five minutes then runs out crying Moral: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!

Mario: Its a me Mario! Woman: Uhuh... Mario: Its a me Mario? Woman: Yeah you got a point? Mario: Okey dokey! Woman: So? Mario: Letsa go! Woman: Well okay, I mean chews bubblegum at least I know who you are and stuff... Moral: I once saw a red mushroom come out of a question block, so I just touch it with my Richard and... ...Wait ill take the green one, just in case, I good with what I have...

B:wanna go out sometime? G:I'll go out now and get away from you.

Are you from Ireland cause my penis is dublin'

- Hey do you wanna hang out? - I'm 17.

- Hey, I have 40 minutes to live and need to feel the touch of a woman to live. -I'm a dude.

Skilled man enters a bar: Man: Lady, I am a scientist... Lady: So? Man: I also have black belt in several martial arts... Lady: Your point? Man: uh... I have uh... Lady: Sigh... gets up and leaves Moral: Knowing what and how to be attractive to women is an art on its own...

To my story below, I now remember why she never took me seriously... While I was staring at her erect nipples she asked me if I was gay, I replied "uhuh", to everything as I was too busy looking at what I could have grabbed that day... Moral: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Today she looks uh... less appealing in more ways than one.... but lets not go into details, I need to get something out here... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! In 40 years at my deathbed: The only thing I regret is... is... DAMN! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Dont people ever get tired of PRETENDING like they dont need others aproval? I NEED APPROVAL I NEED APPROVAL! Moral: I REALLY DO! YEEEEEEEEES BECAUSE...Uh...you matter more than me? Nah, nothing like that, only I matter more than you...

You belong in heaven. So make sure you say hi to God for me.

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!