Nielsen: Nice beaver! Woman: Thanks! Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice p*ssy Woman: Ah! Thank you! (cat meows) Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice wet vagina. Woman: Is this in the script? Director: CUT! Nielsen: What? Cant a man improvise? I mean OJ does it, and he is quite the nice fella... Moral: "Quite the nice fella" Yeah reminds me of good old dad, nice to everyone, and could take a lot of shit, but as much as I asked him how he was doing, I got an uppercut to the face and a nice trip in a ambulance... Started when I was 4, I crushed his upper Jaw in self defense when I was 16... ah... hmm... Why am I sharing this? Then again why not... When have I not spoken my mind.

thumb_up thumb_down +16

You're like a can of condensed milk. Short, thick, and sweet.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

If i could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'I' and 'U' together. Really? Cos' I like it just the way it is... With 'N' and 'O' together.

thumb_up thumb_down -47

-Did you fall from heaven? Because your an angel -No but did you? Because your face is fucked up!

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Me: Hey lady, you are so fucking hot I want to... Lady: FUCK ME PLEASE ME SO HORNY! Moral: One can always dream... *yawn* Zzzzzzzmooth...

thumb_up thumb_down -105

-- Hey, can I have your number? -- 12

thumb_up thumb_down +70

Man: Well I usually do not bang women your uh... particular size, I mean you are a bit too big for me and um... I got standards... nothing personal but... I uh.. well ok lets try... I guess I stick it here and... Man2: HEY what the hell are you doing to my trailer you drunk bastard! Moral: Standards... we all have it.... just not that much of it...

thumb_up thumb_down +44

Im the demanding customer, your Dominos Pizza, I will make you Cum in 30 minutes or less.

thumb_up thumb_down +93

Good news: you'll never-ever-ever have a zit again. Bad news: because there's no more space for it to pop out.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

Would you like a free breast reduction consultation?

thumb_up thumb_down -11

You look like one that does not charge for sex ;)

thumb_up thumb_down +8

I understand why you not married!, you snort and farting all night, bye

thumb_up thumb_down -80

you have your job, I have mine, so let's do it in the kitchen

thumb_up thumb_down +57

Guy: Can we go on a date? Girl: A date? You couldn't find a date if I handed you a bag of fruit!

thumb_up thumb_down -13

- you come here often? -i used to until you came here

thumb_up thumb_down +1

Roses are red, Violets are blue, The holocaust was a disaster, and so are you.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

I've got a black belt in lovin'.

thumb_up thumb_down -53

Hey Baby, Whats your name? Dave ...(silence)...

thumb_up thumb_down +2

So I saw you walk into the bar from the scope of my rifle and I was wondering if you'd enjoy some unconsentual sex in the back of my van?

thumb_up thumb_down +23

-I like my woman like I like my coffee... without a penis

thumb_up thumb_down -17

I'm your Edward and your my Bella

thumb_up thumb_down -43

-I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? -No.

thumb_up thumb_down -68

Get in the van.

thumb_up thumb_down +83

EVERYONE ELSE

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!