so how long have you been a bald ghost wombat?

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-How much do you love me? -Count the stars in the sky and you'll know. -But it's the morning. -Exactly.

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I am Lucifer, my color is blue I already got my queen TO HELL WITH YOU! Moral: Know my name and fear it, I am now and forever.

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And then it hit me.....no really now I'm bleeding

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hey girl, whats your sign? slippery when wet.

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Hey wanna have sex and get married! ......... sorry.......

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Man: Your body is a tempe! Woman: Sorry, no services today.

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Husband: Honey, I heard that when you die, you come back as a different creature! Wife: Really!? I want to come back as a cow!! Husband: You're obviously not listening.

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guy: you're so beautiful, did you fall from heaven? girl: if I was I would be dead by now hun?

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Man: Hey you look good enough to do Woman: Oh really because so does my 8 foot boyfriend. Man: ... Woman: Do you want me to pick him up from the gym?

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Man: Honestly! I am just desperate, and besides you are damn hot! Woman: Lets go to your place ;) Moral: This works, the anti-part is that no one will believe me nor try it themselves... Incredible how the easiest way is the least used...

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Man: Wanna come home watch my REALLY big stamp collection? ;) ;) Girl: Sure ;) ;) At home: Man: Why are you taking your clothes off? Girl: Uh... nevermind... Moments later: Man: And this one is a rare misprint from 1980, and this one is actually quite common but.., Girl: Sigh... :(

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Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

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Man: Are you a beach? Cause I'm sure there's a lot of crabs crawling around down there

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free candy....

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He: You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She: You are so handsome when you keep your mouth shut.

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-Why is one breast bigger than the other? -because I popped it and all the silicone leaked out

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Male: (Pulls Female in close, strokes her hair, and mutters 'My precious' over and over to himself)

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Man: DTF Cutey? Woman: DTF off Asshole?

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Him: Nice legs. What time do they open? Her: Members only, I'm afraid,

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A man comes home from his doctor and tells his wife that he only has 12 hours to live so he asks his wife later that night if they can do it one last time she agrees but after an hour the man wakes his wife and says honey in a few hours I will be dead can we do it again please. So they do it again a few hours later the man wakes his wife again and says dearest since I'm going to die soon can we please? to this the wife says look honey tomorrow I have to get up you don't!

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Roses are red, violets are blue. When I take a shit I think about you bitch *flushes the toilet*

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boy: hey wanna hang out some time?! girl: O MY GOD! r u hannah montanna?!

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What happens when a drunk swedish man prank calls 911 from a local bar? The ambulance comes

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!