Man: Wanna come to my place? Woman: Maybe if you take of the ski-mask and black clothing... Man: But then you'll ruin the surprise! :(

thumb_up thumb_down -56

-How did your date go last night? -It was going alright but then I started crying uncontrollably. -Nervous habit? -Pepper spray.

thumb_up thumb_down -60

-Hey babe, if you were homework, I'd do you on my couch, my table, and my bed. -Yeah? You just failed.

thumb_up thumb_down +21

Guy -Are you from Tenessee? Girl -No. guy -oh, because you looked kinda southern.

thumb_up thumb_down +15

Hey big girl ;), why you alone? You ate all of your friends?

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Boy: How much does a Polarbear weigh? Girl: How much? Boy: Just as much as me, hi my name is Ahron

thumb_up thumb_down -19

I wish I was your math momework, because then I would be really hard and you'd be doing me on the desk.

thumb_up thumb_down -21

- Hey baby, what's your sign? - Dead End.

thumb_up thumb_down +48

Was your dad a thief? Because he's in jail

thumb_up thumb_down +30

Guy : Hey, there's a party in my pants. Wanna join? ;] Girl : Can't, I'm allergic to crabs.

thumb_up thumb_down -20

Black dude at bar: HERE COMES THE COLE-TRAIN BABY! WANNA RIDE! Girl: So I assume your name is Cole right? Dude: Uh... actually no but... WAIT! where are you going!

thumb_up thumb_down -96

-How much do you love me? -Count the stars in the sky and you'll know. -But it's the morning. -Exactly.

thumb_up thumb_down +47

Man: Hey lady... you new here? I havent seen you around here before ;) Woman: Im your wife! >:/ Man: Which one of them? I have married so many sluts just to get sex with them... that I forget about...

thumb_up thumb_down +23

Man: Hello there my name is... Woman: I wish you where water... Man: So you can swallow me? Hey not so fast baby! I dont like em fast. Woman: You did not let me finish! Man: Whatever, gotta go... Moral: Girls... women... you may be mysterious, but unlocking your secrets is my favorite pastime... I CHARRENGE YOU!... Then again I never liked women throwing themselves at me without me saying a word (not that it happens very often)¨ Ps: I see some other people have started to add "morals" to their stories, without success sadly, keep going kids, and people will always of course know who the real "Moral man is" because of the cheap nature of my fantastically silly and "dragged out of the ass" nature of my morals...

thumb_up thumb_down +5

why did the boy laugh? A:he saw another boy get raped by a giant scorpian

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Boy: You know the keyboard says that U and I are together. Girl: It also says JK

thumb_up thumb_down -31

Male: It's super hard and long. Female: I have always been under the impression that the GED is relatively simple.

thumb_up thumb_down -33

Me during the noob days at a bar: Me: So this is fun, want to go to my place and watch The Matrix trilogy all night or something? She: Naaah, I already watched them, but I am sure we can watch something else all night right? Me: Nah, you see I just moved in, and I don't have any other movies, so yeah nice meeting you though! *facepalm*

thumb_up thumb_down -37

there is a 50% chance that we make s** tonight from my side i agree

thumb_up thumb_down -45

I just killed my wife. What should I do?

thumb_up thumb_down -57

Guy: Hey babe, does the carpet match the drapes? Girl: How do you feel about hardwood?

thumb_up thumb_down -77

There must be an angel missing from Heaven, because I've got it tied up in my basement. (It keeps saying something about a fancy dress party, but I'm not falling for that one again; that's how Batman escaped.)

thumb_up thumb_down +104

Ay Girl. Lemme squirtle on yo jigglypuffs

thumb_up thumb_down +60

Male: Man, if we were married... Female: What? We'd make beautiful children? Male: No, I'd leave your sorry, and ungrateful ass and make you stay with the kid.

thumb_up thumb_down +38

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!