Guy: are you AT&T because you are raising my bar Girl: Sorry I use Verizon. it has better 4G coverage

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"Hey, I have the feeling i've seen you before somewhere..." "Well, could be, I used to be a porn actress.

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hi how u doin fine and u well bii have a nice day DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

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- Hey, I have 40 minutes to live and need to feel the touch of a woman to live. -I'm a dude.

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Roses are red Violets are blue Im a serial killer So GTFO before i kill you

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here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

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-Did you just fart? Cause you blew me away.

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HEY BITCH! GET YOUR ASS HOME AND GIVE ME A THUMBS UPS AT HORSEHEAD NETWORK! Moral: And be rewarded ;) (unless you are fucking ugly, then you still get the gift of voting me whatever way you want)

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Pee extra hard in a urinal when there's someone else in the bathroom so you don't seem weak

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i would drag my balls through miles of broken glass, just to hear you fart through a walkey-talkey

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Hey baby i have a 3 inch penis but i produce two galons of semen everytime i cum...

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-My love for you is like diarrhea, I cant hold it in...

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If you're still here when I get drunk, this is your lucky night.

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Are you an ornithologist?... because my penis is incredibly swollen with blood.

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Girl: Hey, why don't you and I go out to dinner? Guy: Thanks, but if I wanted to watch a whore stuff her face full of meat, I'd just load up Redtube.

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Me: Honestly, I just want to RAPING you. Woman: YES PLEASE! Me: Fuck off its not RAPING it its consensual... Moral: Yeah sometimes they say yes, its when they say no I become shadow made flesh... ...And wait for you... Am I here?... NOPE Ill get you rawr I will now stalk you silently for hours... days... Anyway im bored your nothing ... Moral: SAY YES YOU MUCKING MIDIOT!

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Actor walks in street... Woman: HEY ITS YOU! THE GUY THAT PLAYED GANDALF THE GAY!... Uh I mean Gandalf the GRAY! Actor: WRONG WOMAN! I AM FAGNETO! MASTER OF FAGNETISM! Moral: Please take no insult Esteemed Mr.Ian McKellen you are a fantastic actor... as for the rest of you, feel free to feel as insulted as you want... I mean its your own trucking choice :P.

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Im like a thief and ill steal your virginity!

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Roses are red Violets are gold Get on your knees And do what your told

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Did it hurt when you fell from the whore tree and banged every single guy on your way down?

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Hey wanna have sex and get married! ......... sorry.......

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Nero: My name is Nero... Woman: Why I mean you aint black? Nero: Sure about that? Moral: In the Darkness... We are all the same...

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Pooh... my my... it sure its fucking cold outside, I have cooled down now, excuse me while I get back to... My well... Je ne sais quoi... Allright, foursome sex! There you got it, thumb this bitch down because I dont like bragging, but these girls dared me to do it, and we all gotta provide and share ;) Moral: I am the only man of course feck! The alternative is disguting!

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J.B: You smile, I smile. Girl: I wasn't smiling...

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!