Woman: The church is fantastic, I see Jesus wherever I go! Me: I see a psycho wherever you go. Moral: PSYCHO CRUSHER!

thumb_up thumb_down -20

Are you an erection? 'Cause you're growing on me.

thumb_up thumb_down +124

Do you believe in rape by first sight? Moral: I think its immoral enough as it is already.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

If I could rearrange the period table, I would put Uranium and Iodide together ;)

thumb_up thumb_down +77

How you doin? go away- I have a gun

thumb_up thumb_down +34

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive....?

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Are you water? Because you are very shallow. Now GTFO.

thumb_up thumb_down +139

- I'm a weatherman, and I'm predicting 9 inches tonight ;) - Oh? Well weathermen aren't always accurate, so it's probably more like 3 inches.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven... Because it looks like you landed on your face!

thumb_up thumb_down -30

my love for you is like diarrhea. i can never hold it in

thumb_up thumb_down -50

Man: May I have this dance? Woman: Take it, it's all yours [goes away]

thumb_up thumb_down -32

the most beatiful woman I have ever seen, so could you move out the way please

thumb_up thumb_down +94

Those pants are very becoming on you, of course if i were on you id be cumming too.

thumb_up thumb_down -40

Lesbihonest

thumb_up thumb_down -122

You look like a dog... Wana bone?

thumb_up thumb_down -89

I might not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you

thumb_up thumb_down -33

You're parents must be assholes because baby you're the shit!

thumb_up thumb_down +129

"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Yes. I ruptured my bowels upon impact."

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Hold me pint love i'm going for a dump.

thumb_up thumb_down +50

Female Police officer: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Me: Boobies.

thumb_up thumb_down +12

You got some junk in the trunk, can I dump my load in there too?

thumb_up thumb_down +50

Roses are red, something something, I am just too desperate to concentrate please let me just put it in you.

thumb_up thumb_down -101

- if I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together - If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U next to Y, just why

thumb_up thumb_down -40

Boy: Did it hurt? Girl: Did what hurt? Boy: When a tractor fell on your face?

thumb_up thumb_down +109

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!