Man - I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. Woman - Not mine!

thumb_up thumb_down -23

"Can I buy you a drink or do I have to have sex with you first?"

thumb_up thumb_down +94

BOY-i love you GIRL-(sneezes) sorry im allergic to bullshit

thumb_up thumb_down +130

Have you ever heard of World of Warcraft?

thumb_up thumb_down -9

A Kid goes to Band Camp and comes back noticeably better at the Trumpet.

thumb_up thumb_down -5

I'm craving some bacon, wanna strip?

thumb_up thumb_down +618

"You look like Carmen Electra's deformed, burned, dismembered sister..."

thumb_up thumb_down +48

Get your coat, I've got a knife.

thumb_up thumb_down -79

Me during the noob days at a bar: Me: So this is fun, want to go to my place and watch The Matrix trilogy all night or something? She: Naaah, I already watched them, but I am sure we can watch something else all night right? Me: Nah, you see I just moved in, and I don't have any other movies, so yeah nice meeting you though! *facepalm*

thumb_up thumb_down -38

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet... It's when you put her in the trunk of your car that she starts to freak out.

thumb_up thumb_down -1

Ma'am, I'm sorry I'd like to ask a favour. Yes? Well, my penis died and I was wondering if I could bury it in your vagina?

thumb_up thumb_down +33

Woman: Seriously you are like the perfect man, I barely even met you and want to marry you already! What is your name by the way? Guy: My name is Le Petite Chessedeburger Withnowhitesauce! Woman: I am gay by the way, gotta go feed my uh... my wife yeah my wife.

thumb_up thumb_down +178

Hey big girl ;), why you alone? You ate all of your friends?

thumb_up thumb_down -12

Hey baby, wanna make $50?

thumb_up thumb_down +210

-How did your date go last night? -It was going alright but then I started crying uncontrollably. -Nervous habit? -Pepper spray.

thumb_up thumb_down -58

Him - Would you like to dance? Her - NO! Him - I'm sorry. I think you misunderstood me. I said, "You look fat in those pants."

thumb_up thumb_down +32

Moral man enters a bar and spots a sad girl. MMan: Why so sad? Lady: My father died... MMan: And you want him to see you sad, from wherever he may be? Lady: No but how am I supposed to be happy about it? MMan: Remember the happy days you spent, because they are many more than the days you will see his gravestone, and if nothing else, we can always keep those alive within our heart happily, as long as we are happy in OUR heart... Moral: I would have called this meaningless bull before, but this is a true story, and those words are the reason I just celebrated my two year anniversary with my girlfriend, the most amazing girl ever... which just sang out of joy btw... I may be different... but if a man can keep those he loves happy, he is indeed a true man... Ok now she wants to know what I am typing, so I say nothing and put this self brag away, because I share with you, but heck, what am I? Somekind of romantic? Answer: Meh, I am the ever lovable jerk you may not like, but cant stop loving once you know me either... The anti-part? Dunno, dont care :D

thumb_up thumb_down -80

Why are peploe gieving me thums up al of soodden? Moral: Its scawwy, normally the moral is what protects my genius comments from getting thumbed up.

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Low confidence edition: Woman: Hi there cutie, you new here? Guy: Lady, believe me I am out of your league. Woman: You look really nice and I was wondering if... Guy: No really, believe me, I am boring and a virgin, but my mom says I am nice, but pfft no, just stop wasting your time and giving me false allusions please... Moral: Someone kill that faggot!

thumb_up thumb_down -1

A long time ago I had a vision of someone like you. I was in a psych ward, wearing a straight jacket. Would you like some blended cheese?

thumb_up thumb_down +193

Mmm baby....I want you to stick your Gaberwalkie in my bandersnatch.. ;)

thumb_up thumb_down -120

Chick:- Don't worry, we all get nervous when we meet people. My brother: yeah, but my buttcrack gets sweaty & smelly when i get nervous!

thumb_up thumb_down +153

- Is this seat empty? - Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

thumb_up thumb_down -516

- Does this napkin smell like chloroform to you? There is no response because she passed out from it and he leaves in order to void suspicion.

thumb_up thumb_down -10

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!