- If i could rearange the alphabet i'd puit you and i together. - That's not necessary because N and O are already together.

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What happens if an Internet troll has a heart attack Doesn't matter nobody will care

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Him: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Him: Breaking through the earth's crust ascending from hell.

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Hold me pint love i'm going for a dump.

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Hey Baby, Whats your name? Dave ...(silence)...

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Are you from Tennessee? Because your accent sounds stupid.

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Walking to your car alone later?

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Male: Hey baby you wanna play telephone, i got the string and you got the cans! Female: ...

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Grapist: I bet you like getting Graped, tied up and beaten muahahahahaha! I am so gonna do the worst things to you! Woman: YES PLEASE! Man: MAAAAAAAAAAAN your not fun anymore... Moral: Its not grape if she wants it... and I guess grapists dont like that... remember that girls whenever someone is gonna rape you just say YES unless they yell surprise though... then its surprise sex.

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If you go out with me there might be some smegma in it for you.

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- So what do you do for a living? - I'm a female impersonator.

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Her: Guess what? Him: What? Her Yo Mama! Him: Is she that slut i did last night?

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Get your coat, I've got a knife.

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Nielsen: Nice beaver! Woman: Thanks! Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice p*ssy Woman: Ah! Thank you! (cat meows) Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice wet vagina. Woman: Is this in the script? Director: CUT! Nielsen: What? Cant a man improvise? I mean OJ does it, and he is quite the nice fella... Moral: "Quite the nice fella" Yeah reminds me of good old dad, nice to everyone, and could take a lot of shit, but as much as I asked him how he was doing, I got an uppercut to the face and a nice trip in a ambulance... Started when I was 4, I crushed his upper Jaw in self defense when I was 16... ah... hmm... Why am I sharing this? Then again why not... When have I not spoken my mind.

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- hey baby i wanna show you something - wait i wanna show you something too -what is it? -my fists

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Husband: I will always get breakfast and newspapers in bed AT 5:30 baby, but not wake me when you wake up at 4:30

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Hey can I have your number? No.

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roses are red, violets are blue, i have a gun get in the van

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yo im will smith yo, thats my name and I was juzz wonderin if you ever you know like the beach or bbq because stuff happen yanno and while I do some rap id just belieeve that things are a bit crazy these times so I was thinking maybe ill ask you out right? But then I was like WHAAAAAAZAAAAAAAAA and... Hey gurl where you goin im just getting warmed up. Moral: I met the guy, day one I had a great day, day two I didnt get any sleep and now I hate him, the end.

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-There's a 'U' in beautiful. -Yeah, and there's a 'U' in ugly.

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Sexual harassment, it can be a touchy subject.

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You're like chocolate pudding. You look like crap.

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-Hey, I lost my number. Can I have yours? -No.

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Man: Lust is a terrible thing! Woman: I agree. Man: So come home with me and help me get rid of it.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!