-Excuse me do you know how much a polar bear weighs? -Enough to break the ice? -Ummm... yea... *silence*

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-Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? -Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

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Hi! Do you like fat guys with no money?

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Boy:can i go out with you? Girl: no

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-I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours. -I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

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here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

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here's 20p, phone your Mum... she'll be the last person you ever speak to so be nice

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Guy: are you AT&T because you are raising my bar Girl: Sorry I use Verizon. it has better 4G coverage

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Lets play the Yes/No game the rules are you can only say yes or no once to the questions, No. 1 Are you beautiful?, No.2 Are you Lying?

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Hey babe, if you were a Pokemon, I'd choose you. Oh really? Because if you were a pokemon, I'd fight you, win and not even bother to capture you.

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Not a pickup line, but sincerity: Look for somebody you like, it does not matter what in particular you love about this person, so lets put me as the guy in two examples. Me: Lovely scarf you got there. Woman: Here take it. Me: Wow. Its no typical me to be into women's clothing in fact I do not give a damn about clothing at all, so I ask my female friends to buy clothes for me to pick up what they think I look my best in, I mean what is wrong by looking good in the eyes of your girls eh? but I must really have loved that scarf, because it was no pick up failure, because in this example I sincerely loved that scarf... Now this one. Me: I love that scarf you got there. Woman: Sigh, take it and leave me alone. Me: Here, have it back, I do not like the scarf, I like how beautiful you make the scarf look, are you willing to give me a chance, to get to know the girl that can make this scarf so beautiful? You are female and resist me? That is okay, you do however give me the motivation to become a better person, so that you might give me another chance, sometime if we meet again, and if we do not, thank you for giving me so much already. Honesty Pros: No lies Cons: I am experienced with being myself P Lies: Pros: Hey a free scarf I pretend to like yay? Cons: If you have what it takes, why do you then have to lie? Then you are not only lying to her, but also to yourself. And if your lie works, how many lies will you have to keep creating, until the fear of failure rather than the peace and love, breaks your heart and hers? Moral: Sure you know now you lie about the scarf, about her shirt, about her wig, and you lose a lot... But if you had to lie about it, admit it or live in self denial: You lost nothing sir! You never had it in the first place

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Words of wisdom: temptations from the darker side, but do you got what it takes? (Balls children, balls) Example "not" from real life: My three girlfriends leave after all five of us bang well me (my wife is with em too now wait) the three others leave, my wife asks me what I thought about the... Manysome? Im tired, (for a reason eh?) I asked her to tell me first, she looked me in the eyes and said, lets invite them over again tomorrow. I raised my arm saying "FUCK YEAH! A LITERALL FUCK YEAH! RISING MY ARM INTO THE AIR AS A PUMP FIST, BUT SHE HIGH FIVED ME INSTEAD... What is there not to love? Where does the love fail? Love is endless and grows the more you share, SO START FUCKING MORE! No really lets analyze this, if you are scared already now, you are a bible bashing geek, and not selected to join the gene pool for the next generation, you see, mother nature weeds out filth such as you... While I... Well I got everything I want... ...Now if you could say the same, maybe you can, but its not something you can learn, its something you got to be. Lets move on shall we? 1. Oh No Nero, this means you do not love your wife? I do not love my wife because she not only allows me but with the condition that she can join? And that we beforehand agree if we like said people? I do not love my wife because I can fuck whoever I want whenever I want without her feeling insecure because what she loves most about me is how safe she feels with me present? Advice: Learn to think less like the dope pope and more like Nero the ladies Hero. (and Dont go making rhymes like that unless you are awesome like me). 2. AHA! THIS MEANS YOUR WIFE DOES NOT LOVE YOU! Uh, she knew she was marrying a womanizer, because she fell in love with said womanizer and not in what she could "transform him into", not what she could shape a man she considers perfect for her, if not perfect as a God (fuck I agree) and said womanizer made her feel safe enough to try if she would enjoy one or several more, and as an experienced well, courtesan (my my that was classy) I know that women tend to like each other... you know under 100 percent of my introductions... Why? We men (not you geeks) where born to fight, genetically we preserved/married hundred of women which are genetically weaker of strength (if not today, its because lesbos are invading us but hey) But could that man bang his 300 chicks all the time? NO, so what did they do... Well they had themselves a party, the man created more babies, and those women left a bit out, where suddenly not so shy about seeking a bit more than the "simpler" forms of company, this trait grew genetically stronger during the years during evolution, and there we go. You dont have to listen to me you know, my advices are only for the hardcore, bad ass MEN with some sincere intentions, and awesome attitude... You might simply have the bible or some other "bright" biblical value up your ass. Or take it out, and accept that you might be seen as an asshole by men, while your women will always be there to fulfill your every (other?) need? I dunno maybe you like men on the side or something, but I prefer watching a sportsgame with a couple of chicks, and just mine rather than a couple of dicks, then I go play playstation 4 with my "waifu" (the one I am legally married with does not enjoy games, so her I go watch television and have deep meaningful conversations with) The thing is, I cant convince you, this is either something you are born to do, or born to try to do and never get the chance to ending up a sad old virgin... Or simply the non genuine guy, getting a woman drunk and trying to fuck her before what? She throws up all over you? Is that your bright light? You can be darker, I would know, as I am Nero/Black. The End? Advice: She loves me for who I am for what I do, advice Numero dos: If you cannot be Nero, try going for the second best

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Man, stay alive, I dont even got time to read that shit. See you around son.

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Hey, wow you almost typing as much as Nero here, you almost an "Alpha Leader of men" now... But I am sixteen years younger than you (still old) And "Alpha man, leader of women right to my bed. Gonna lie down here til i die probably, Ill be honest, never had to try viagra before, but man it works when I just want to sleep, so if I die, my wife or this (just friend of hers) can give you the 7 keys you will need to get the car (its a mess, guy like you could just break down the damn walls,but my uppercuts you gonna get DAD... Seriously, ill pay the bills, but I am just gonna go for hardcore bruises. As for party or whatever, ill take some time off whenever i can, and send you a message uh... Ill put it in your "OMG SAMSUNG" which ill send trough... Some guy will show up with it, mafia (jk). Between you and me... AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD! This uh, lady, is so fucking sex starved that I am starting to feel like I am just pity fucking her, I mean I am just lying here, but viagra? Thats for old people! And for... You know, big tits hanging over my face for... nearly seven hours? Man I am keeping this one, she has the stamina of a damn Yep she is a uh those that work out, not gymnast, whatever im sleepy as hell, man... I am death destroyer of worlds, and if i die now, I die... Well I can do a little better, but you know top ten something... Ok, seriously, REdhair, do not invite redhair, that asshole hits on my girls when he is drunk and it would be fine if my girls chose to skip over to him, but he is getting nasty. Dibs on this one man, I mean I dont want stuff you have banged, we all know you dont got that luxury, man you are too shy... Anyway, I am getting sick here, so I am gonna take a nap while this bitch moans to herself (forget I said bitch, its just that im tired and yeah wont even delete it) No replies, just get over here you know... Today because the lock system is complicated and I honestly dont know how to open the fucking garage doors, but old Tim knows, and he is here fixing my uh off brand Jacuzzi (bubblebath? The fuck I know), and he can do it, but he leaves in... Hell ill convince him to stay, he is a cool dude. If you cant come today though, tell me when you can and ill see what I can do... And seriously do not respond, for this viagra, man I had no idea how powerful it was and how close this is to killing me... BUT MY BODY IS READY! Okay, whiggs, all but redbeards, and that bald FØCKER that kept PRETENDING like he was drunk yeah, that asshole that kept touching my Wife and my WAIFU`s tights, thats sacrilege, his redemption is only death by stoning. Got the list ready? Redbeard and that bald fuck whose name I do not know, you know the one i... "accidentally" elbowed out the window? Moral: Random message... THE ELBOW WAS NOT RANDOM... Now read and absorb, and meditate upon these wise teachings... For by followin my footsteps, you can fuck forever with whoever and marry two women because MONEY + LAWYER + NOW I AM JUST BRAGGING BECAUSE "ERICSEN" IS READING THIS SHIT... And of course, never invite Eriksen... (HELLO ERIKSEN! BE AS PISSED AS YOU WANT, BUT I AM STILL YOUR BIG BOSS/EMPLOYER. Moral2: Horsehead can hate Moral man, Moral man dont even make fun of them being Jelly anymore, Nero the Moral man has ascended beyond humanity... Moral 3: Eriksen, you know that if you end me another threat like that again, the firm rules/LAWS OF NERO, requires that I fire you... I mean Sorry man, I did not make the rules... I JUST MADE THEM! Oh Harris, you get it if you stay the fuck away from my ascended supersayan feet, I recall something about you kissing them for a car, lol get your faggotry outta here, oh, and bring the partystuff, I just got... Sigh part of me wants to be subtle... GANGBANGING EQUIPMENT!!!!!!!!! And Thats just not apropiate for a party, lets plan this when you get your samsung (OMG) tomorrow or whenever. THE END, DO NOT SPEAK TO THE DARKEST LORD AGAINETH, HE IS TIRED AND ENJOYS BEING RAPED BY MARRIED BITCH WHoSE HUSBAND... Probably dont even have a swagger... This is abuse now, bitch dont even drink water... just typing shit now, and they call me Brutal (Metal you know) woha... Ask that dude timmy or what his name is again to let you in, me? I am ready to get fucked to death... Remember, if I die, I will return in three days, take with me the four musketeers or whatever, and defeat... Chuck Norris, yeah... THE END! (APPLAUSE!) Whiggs, you are depraved, if this bitch fucking a corpse (fuck I said bitch again) when you arrive, prevent the necrolepsy or whatever the name was, and you keep fucking her... You aint got the powah, but at least you be alive.

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Holla holla holla, ill be there like right now, its a bit far. But dawg, did you say you are both at work and banging a chick? Someone is bragging here yo son! Anyways, phone is dead, gotten towed like 50-60 times in total (not only the freeway), and... Nah man, its cool, you know I dont really ask for much, I mean I can still pay you something. Yeah your skinny bitch hands, you can slap me 50 times son.

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Lol, lucky you that this piece of shit site worked so fast for you huh DAD? Fine, I need no essay on her ass, my firm (well where I work at the top of the foodchain lets be modest here) sponsors all Samsung phones, so seriously ill get you the most expensive one I can find (its free, ill just tell them I need an extra one for, calling, but just for you, if you tell anybody else, ill just slash your tires. Man, I hate HATE sounding nice because I am not, but you can have that damn Fiat something (black car) that I bought from my ex, you take that instead? You still owe me the cash, but the car is yours (I never use it, and its you know... Bad, but still ten thousand times better than your car. Moral: Me? I just cant bother using my wives phone in order to call myself and find my own damn phone, so if you read this, you are golden. Oh, and if you want that piece of shit car of yours (cant even tell the brand can you? Seriously tell me) then you can have the damn money, but no paintjob, that car is, and must look like the trash it is. AMEN? Jk, Fuck Amen. Finally, so you want one with Keyboard attachment or one with keyboard embedded into the screen? The ones with the keyboards are usually a bit more pricey, but man, some of them suck ass, still I can get you like the one I got for business (yeah we gotta use fucking Samsung phones it pays well though) And forget your damn car tires, XD Im laughing here, some could steal those dirty flat pieces of shit, and you would be driving without noticing shit my whigga XD.

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Lol man, you know this man would never sue your ass, but... Man it takes a message here to see that you are like a super whigger. Anyway DAD! Thanks for the kind words, and seriously, you dont kiss ass on regular basis just one thing, you can reply wherever, text is cool You got the hots for your sister dude? I mean the deal was 50 uh words? Letters? Anyway its good, but DAD!... You know I never asked you to write anything about your sisters ass, its kinda weird DAD! Anyway, what do I judge, I banged my 7 years old sister back at the days where I still called her mom... Well she trained me, then I returned with the force, and now her husband kinda knows my deal and... I STILL BANG HER! <<<<< Anyway, man, keep the cash, I just wanted to show the world... Moral: Ladies and gentlemen, and this is how you make someone and anyone your bitch! Nothing personal DAD! You know that as far as I care, all my friends kneel before while my enemies are crushed under my mighty heel. Charisma... Kiddo, I know you are struggling with cash and stuff, but seriously, just for that one online, (your sisters story which id never ask you to go for helps) BUT If you have read this far (BECAUSE THE WORDS OF YOUR DARK OVERLORD ARE LAW) Then just send me a reply saying 666 and I will pay to fix whatever the hell is wrong with your car man, I cant stand the sound, and I know you can pay up, its just that times are down... ...For you. Actual code 999 (not satanist here, I hate all religion) post 666 and ill get someone to slice your tires instead.

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Q: Where did Bethany hide the dead baby? A: In the trash can

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baby please dont make this rape turn into a murder

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Me: Honestly, I just want to RAPING you. Woman: YES PLEASE! Me: Fuck off its not RAPING it its consensual... Moral: Yeah sometimes they say yes, its when they say no I become shadow made flesh... ...And wait for you... Am I here?... NOPE Ill get you rawr I will now stalk you silently for hours... days... Anyway im bored your nothing ... Moral: SAY YES YOU MUCKING MIDIOT!

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I really should start saying "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

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Stable relationships are for horses.

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Hey big girl ;), why you alone? You ate all of your friends?

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Girl: If you was a rollercoaster...I'd ride you all day long.. Guy: What? Am I not big enough for you now...why can't you just be happy with me... =_= Girl: : / I was tring to be all sexy in a cute way... Guy: Pfft. FREAK... e_e

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

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