I have a really big..... Bank Account

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Man, stay alive, I dont even got time to read that shit. See you around son.

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"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Yes. I ruptured my bowels upon impact."

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Hey girl, I heard you are a lesbian! So which part of lesbia are you from? Moral: Geography is overrated, he got laid.

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Man: May I have this dance? Woman: Take it, it's all yours [goes away]

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How much does a polar bear weigh? On average 1135 lbs.

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the roses were red and the violets were nice but if you want to get with me you better up the price

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- I think i lost my number, can i have yours? - I think i lost my number too.

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Every kiss begins with K ;) Yeah to bad ugly begins with U

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Guy: Did you use Windex on your pants? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because I see myself in your pants.

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-How much do you love me? -Count the stars in the sky and you'll know. -But it's the morning. -Exactly.

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Sosiopath vs How I met your mother: Kids, this is how I met your mother. I saw her at some store, I said "Hey sexy" She told me to fuck off, so I raped her, got out of prison years later, and kids, that is how I met your mother. ...Why I am leaving? Did I ever fucking say I was your father? I Just came here to tell you I raped and killed her after serving my time which was about 2 minutes, so kids, that is how I killed your mother. YOU ARE WELCOME BY THE WAY! Ungrateful kids... Moral of the story: If they are your kids, just say no and get away, and kill Robin for better television. Bonus because nobody loves you :( Me? People either love me around here, or you know... cough... psst...rapeandie? Lets keep that a secret between us and EEEEEVEEEERYBODY ELLLLLLLSSEEEEEE (SECRET ABOVE ALERT ALERT ALERT!) Sosiopath vs Grounded for life Moral: Shot the little kid, nobody will notice, not even his own family.

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Lets play the Yes/No game the rules are you can only say yes or no once to the questions, No. 1 Are you beautiful?, No.2 Are you Lying?

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Women love it when you kiss their neck. Just not while they are driving and while you're in the back seat and when they don't know you...

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Girl: Go f**k yourself Guy: can you help me?

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Male: Hey do you wanna come back to my place? Female: Sorry i only sleep with dead bodies.

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-Does beauty run in your family? -It obviously doesn't in yours!

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Hey baby! If I said you had a good body, would you hold it against me? - [ It's unknown who originally said this. Maybe it was some rowdy guy in a 1970s disco].

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Girl, did it hurt when you got dragged up all the way from hell? Moral: The hell with morals!

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HE: You must have some hot buns. SHE: Yeah? HE: Cause you got a real butterface to go with them.

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-Are you Jamaican 'cos jamaican me crazy! -... *stabs*

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M- Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? W- I'm an atheist.

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- Hey good looking, where've I seen you before? - I'm one of the nurses at the plastic surgery department. Want another visit?

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My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidentally gave her the glue stick, she is still not talking to me.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!