-Isnt this the bus to Vermont? -No, its an pineapple without a flute. -Are you a bus driver? -No, im an umbrella!

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Were your parents chemists? cuz you look like TEST TUBE BABY :D

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Does this rag smell like chloroform?

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Your hair is really beautiful. Thanks. Can I make a wig out of it?

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-Excuse me do you know how much a polar bear weighs? -Enough to break the ice? -Ummm... yea... *silence*

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Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to beat you again?

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on a scale from 1 to 10, when did you lose your virginity?

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Do you have an STD? No. DO you want one??

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Guy: Hey babe, does the carpet match the drapes? Girl: How do you feel about hardwood?

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"Hey, I have the feeling i've seen you before somewhere..." "Well, could be, I used to be a porn actress.

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Me: Have you ever dreamed, of owning a thousand sparkly gems? Woman: No why? You got some? Me: No, but now but now we can dream together t under the sparkling stars under the sky... Moral: Hey, she said aww... And touched my hand before chatting with her friend... and as I turned my hand... was a piece of paper, with a written number...

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Me during the noob days at a bar: Me: So this is fun, want to go to my place and watch The Matrix trilogy all night or something? She: Naaah, I already watched them, but I am sure we can watch something else all night right? Me: Nah, you see I just moved in, and I don't have any other movies, so yeah nice meeting you though! *facepalm*

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wanna try out my joystick? (gamer-joke)

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-Why is one breast bigger than the other? -because I popped it and all the silicone leaked out

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Me: it smells in here Her: its maybe my perfume! Me: no i let a glorious fart fallowed my an ass crapping on my foot

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M: What's a pretty girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine? F: Running and screaming for help

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You belong in heaven. So make sure you say hi to God for me.

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Is that a ladder in your hose or the stairway to heaven? It is the stairway to heaven, but I've already got an asshole up there

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Hey baby, do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight. ... Well, you can't score if the player ain't no good.

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Hi, I've taken like 8 dumps today... Wanna dance?

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Gurl, I'll do you like I do my homework. Slam you on the table and do you all night long!

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"Rate your looks out of 10" "awkward... maybe 8 or 9 i guess?" "I said 10, not 100"

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Whenever I look at stars I think of you... Because your only beatiful from a distance.

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I was born beautiful, But what the hell happened to you!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!