Q: What did Tommy do when it was time to go to bed? A: Go to bed. Q:What did Tommy do when it was time to wake up? A: Kill him self.

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Every breath you take Every move you make Every bond you break Every step you take I'll be watching you Every single day Every word you say Every game you play Every night you stay I'll be watching you

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You are the personification of beauty. ,..Wanna Shag?

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-Hey, I lost my number. Can I have yours? -No.

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Man: Hey you female? Cuz I am a horny man and... *door slams*

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Me about four years ago: Girl: So what do you do? Me: I am an author. Girl: Cool! So like what do you write and stuff? Me: I am on my third book I am writing for Tom Clancy. Girl: Get outta here! You are so full of shit! This kinda happened a lot of times actually. ...Its true, then he died, now I am trying to rewrite the whole piece of crap into science fiction, yeah! Come sue me CLANCY! Do you think ANYBODY thought that you could write like 732 books a year? (Even though they where pieces of shit, I would know, mine are still the worst rated, but not worst selling because I dont know)

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? because I can... Yes actually, it's my new LCD Mirror Screen Protector for my iPhone.

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Do you have Groupon? *wait for response* Because you look fucking cheap

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Male: I have a large penis female: so do i.

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Male: Want to hear a story about my d--k? Nevermind, it's too long. Female: Want to hear a story about my vagina? Nevermind, you won't get it.

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Give me some sugar... honey.

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Sigh... No I do not have a van... Just get in the plane!

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Girl- Hey ily Boy- say it it just makes it that much better ;) Girl- I'm leaving you

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Male: I'm all you've got good lookin' Female: then I must not have alot

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I need a fire extinguisher, because my heart is on fire! If you ever talk to me again, I will need a fire extinguisher because I will set myself on fire.

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I have a really big..... Bank Account

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She - Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? becuase your-- He - I did not fall from heaven, you ignorant little twat.

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Girl: Hey, why don't you and I go out to dinner? Guy: Thanks, but if I wanted to watch a whore stuff her face full of meat, I'd just load up Redtube.

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roses are red violets are blue i have a knife get in the van

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Good news: you'll never-ever-ever have a zit again. Bad news: because there's no more space for it to pop out.

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Male: Paper or plastic? Female: What? Male: Paper or plastic, you know, to put over your head.

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are you a brush because you just swept me off my feet

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-Hey babe, if you were homework, I'd do you on my couch, my table, and my bed. -Yeah? You just failed.

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-You are so lovely. -DOES NOT COMPUTE...

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!