Female Police officer: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Me: Boobies.

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Golgo12, sorry not here, If antijoke is down we will just have to chat another time, but you know for this piece of shit site`s rank as the worlds most useless man, its not the first time I achieve the impossible, or as I say "those claiming that somethings are impossible, should stay out of the way of those making it happen" Anyway, yeah point zero is my "world" and you can come see how you like it for yourself, so far its been working perfectly for 4 months, and while I am officially a cripple (for the meantime, a bit of lots of pain has never slowed me down for long, you get used to it) Ill keep talking long after I am dead apparently, as shutting up is a major factor with these painkillers. See ya.

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Man: Are you a beach? Cause I'm sure there's a lot of crabs crawling around down there

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Hi there, the voices in my head are telling me to talk to you.

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Flipping a coin to give you my number or not to give you my number

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If you were on a shelf at build a bear workshop ....... I would stuff you , except it wouldn't be with cotton

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Eat me, I'm organic!

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-I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? -No.

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Real life anti Joke mambo number five: Me: Hey wanna do it? Girl: I am a nun now remember? Me: Yeah but I always wanted to do it with a nun ;). Moral: She forgave me, nine years later :P

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I put the STD in Stud all I need is U

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Let's not turn this rape into a murder..

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Men. We must always hold the door open, Pull the chairs out and pay for our women whilst remembering to treat them as equals.

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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

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-How did your date go last night? -It was going alright but then I started crying uncontrollably. -Nervous habit? -Pepper spray.

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Mom im sixteen and after watching some japanese cartoons and dads gone, I wonder if I can... Son please put your pants back on! But mom! Im the man in the house now, so I invited my friends so you and I can have a stamina sex contest and... Moral: If she does not tell you to put up your pants... Well, you are the man in the house son ;)

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- Does this rag smell like ether? - MMMPPPHHRPHRRG!

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-don't sit on the table, people eat there! -don't sit on that chair, people sit there!

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Hello children! :D

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Shall I compare you to a summer's day? Damn you're hot!

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Girl! you are almost as awesome as horsehead network! Moral: I got balls of steel!

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Man: Your body is a tempe! Woman: Sorry, no services today.

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Ps: I was signing books today, and some douche asked me: Are you that Neronism dude on Horsehead? YOu suck! Anyway, Fuck Neronism. Nero (the other one and his "peeps" are fuckups. (Below: Well actually Tina said if my wife can join, just as my wife said yes... ...And you would think that screwing somebody else after asking your wife is immoral... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY WIFE BECAUSE OF WHO SHE IS? Its called trust people *cape flowing in the air moon in background* Trust! NeroMetal I play Street Fighter V, And am an author, and I guess I get laid a lot... AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NERONISM OR THAT OTHER ASSHOLE IS! I just called myself asshole...

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-What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? -What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

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Guy: Would you like to dance? Girl: no Guy: Good! Because I have to go take a shit!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!