Do you have Groupon? *wait for response* Because you look fucking cheap

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Guy: Thanks Girl: Why? Guy: Cuz you made me get rid of that boner

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- You must be tired, you've been running through my mind all day. -No, your mind is so small I can't even take a step in it!

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Stop Footing Around

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I right next to each other. You say that you want me? Well don't what you come for!!

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(Based on a few real life experiences) Man: Hey girl wanna hang out an.. Girl: OMG IMMA ORGASMIN YES I COME WIT YOU AND WE HAVE WILD SAX IN MAH DERTY PUSSY AND THEN YOU LIKK MY ASS GOOD AND CLEEN! Man: Uh... I think I left my wallet im my pocket... which I think is in my fridge.. at home... gotta go before the house burns down you know... "runs off"

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Man- How much do 2 polar bears weigh? Woman- I don't know? Man- Enough to break the ice, heyy.(;

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- Can I buy you a drink? - Yes, providing you f**k off immediately afterwards and I never have the misfortune to see or smell you ever again.

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You want to sleep with me and i want to sleep with you. I'm at least half right.

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Male: You're so beautiful. Female: Well thank you. Male: Yeah, you look just like my Mom.

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-Can I have your name? -Why? Don’t you already have one?

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I've got a black belt in lovin'.

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"Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes." "They always say that before they go to sleep."

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Hey do you like mansauce? Moral: MORAL KOOOOOOMBAAAAAAAAAAT!

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For Christmas I got some toy soldiers, To play with when I'm in bed, But I got bored with my seargents and majors, So I played with my privates instead.

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Look at the keyboard, u and i are together. Look underneath, it says jk.

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Is your dad a terrorist?? 'Cause you're a sex bomb.

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Man: Do you work at Subway? Girl: Why? Did I just give u a 6 inch?

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Hey can I have your number? No.

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One hot summer night in 1960, Steve had his first date with Susie. He went to pick her up and her mom answered the door. She invited him in, and asked him what they planned to do on their date. Steve replied that they’d probably see a movie then get a burger. Susie’s mom said, “Well, Susie really likes to screw.” Steve said, “Huh?” Her mom said, “Yes, she loves it. She could probably screw all night.” “Okay, thanks!” replied Steve, mentally rearranging his plans for the night. A few minutes later Susie came downstairs and they left on their date. About a half hour later Susie came running back in the house, her clothes disheveled, and yelled: “Mom, it’s called the TWIST! The name of the goddamn dance is the TWIST!”

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Guy: Would you like to dance? Girl: no Guy: Good! Because I have to go take a shit!

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that shirt looks nice on you, it would look better on the floor

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adam burdass

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does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!