Hey baby, let me take you to heaven.

thumb_up thumb_down +47

Roses are red Violets are gold Get on your knees And do what your told

thumb_up thumb_down +58

Man: Is your name sherly? Woman: No... Man: because id like to Fuc* you in the ass and call you sherly

thumb_up thumb_down +24

I really should start saying "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

thumb_up thumb_down +13

man: may I impale you on my stake? woman: O.o (for goth girls)

thumb_up thumb_down -49

“Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” ? Groucho Marx

thumb_up thumb_down -69

Girl: Wanna see my dick? Man: WHAT? Moral: This actually started out as me just mixing up the girl and guy part...

thumb_up thumb_down +94

Morals, greatest weakness revealed!: Doctor doctor! I cannot succeed at... pant pant *shorts shorts* *whine wheeze* at... At... AAAAAARGUUUUUU!!! FUCKING DOCTOR I CANNOT SUCCED AT... THE PAAAAAYNE! MAX PAYNE! BUHUHUHUHU!!! THE PAAAAINYE I CANNOT...SUCCEED AT... Doctor: At what? Shutting the fuck up? AND LEAVE THE HORSHEHEAD NETWORK? Moral: XD I cannot stop laughing, I am crying fucking tears of laughter :)) I was completely not gonna type that but then it spontaneously suddenly idea get! XD Moral: Green thumbs for self irony, this comment shall get one green thumbs ups, and it shall one green thumbs ups get, and the number of thumbs ups shall be one, as one be the number of thumbs ups. Moral: And I have not even said anything Moral: I deserve that green thumb this time! I earned it! SHAAAME YOU DARE SPOILMY GREEN THUMB OF VICTOLY WITH YOUR RED THUMB! SHAAAME! BUILD THE WALL OF FAILURE! FASTER STRONGER HARDER! I CURSE SHAME UPON YOUR SHAME AND BATHE IT IN THE WATER AND FLAMES OF SHAAAAAME! ALL BEFORE I SPrinkle it with small bits of sugar... AND SHAAAAME! LEAVE THE GREEN THUMB ALONE!!!! BUAHUAHAHA! LEAVE IT ALONEEEEEEEEE! Moral: HEEEY HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT GREEN THUMB! I SAID ONE GREEN THUMB! ONE! AND ONLY MINE! SHAME!!!!

thumb_up thumb_down +54

-I wish i were DNA helicase so i could unzip your genes. -You're a loser

thumb_up thumb_down -18

A 85 year old man was at a bar, he goes up to the first hot thing he sees and asks do I come here often?

thumb_up thumb_down +114

Guy- I would do anything for you. Women- I wouldn't do you for anything!

thumb_up thumb_down -56

That King that said: Kill all male babies... Lets say he was a teenager? Moral: Excellent job son, but you see, sharing is caring, have a victory drink!... Thing is... I don't care... rest well...For eternity... Hughman Heffer... The seed has been sown... you got nothing on me...

thumb_up thumb_down -16

Hey! Doesn't this rag smell of chloroform?

thumb_up thumb_down -186

-Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven? -Are you implying that I'm satan?

thumb_up thumb_down -7

Man: Would you like to dance? Woman: Hell No! Man: I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said - You look fat in those pants!

thumb_up thumb_down -10

If you go out with me there might be some smegma in it for you.

thumb_up thumb_down -14

You look just like my sister! That's funny,... CUZ IM A DUDE

thumb_up thumb_down +55

How much does a polar bear weigh? Not as much as my dick.

thumb_up thumb_down +112

when ilfe gives you lemons i squirt the jiuce in my eyes so i dont have to stare at you anymore :)

thumb_up thumb_down -114

If i could rearrange the alphabet, i would put U and G and L and Y together because that is what you are.

thumb_up thumb_down +76

Real life anti Joke: At my school Me as a teen: Hey, I don't know me, and I don't know you, but we both live at the same private school, how about you come with me later and so I can screw you really hard? Girl: My God I love confident guys, sure! Me: Wha...what? That is not quite what I uh... You mean *blush* really want to have sex with me? I mean I am... co-conifden I mean confident but like really? Girl: Meh, not anymore... Moral: Must have been quite some time ago because it took me years to understand why she refused at the end...

thumb_up thumb_down +160

At bar Man: Uh... um... wanna come home see my star wars board games collection? Woman: SURE! Man: *Heart attack*

thumb_up thumb_down +192

Man: Wanna (censored)? Woman: (Censored) you man!

thumb_up thumb_down -36

Want to go out? No

thumb_up thumb_down +58

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!