A polar bear and a penguin were taking a bath. The polar bear asked the penguin to pass the soap. the penguin responded by saying,"What do i look like a microwave?"

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do you work at subway? 'cause you give me foot long. i'll do you a favour and cut it up

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Hey, I got some of the worst ratings on Horsehead network! Really? Moral: You bet!

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Male: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Female: did it hurt when they kicked you out of hell?

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Man: GASP! Why is my penis inside your vagina? Why do you keep thrusting and screami... Woman: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ASSHOLE! Man: Uh... what where am... Oh... Forgive me, I am a psychic and I keep getting premonitions of the near future... Moral: GASP WHAT ARE YOU FEMALE READERS DOING WITH MY PINGAS INSIDE YOUR MOUTH!

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-Hi miss are you a ketchup? -hey is this some corny pick-up line?,,,okay fine. why? -because I want to dip my hot dog to you

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I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out and I was like O Mg.

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good thing i got my library card cuz im checking you out. i hate people who have library cards.

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"Wow, you look so thin! Are you wearing a girdle?"

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, Blob fish are ugly and so are you.

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Wanna go back to my place and watch some CarVideos?

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- I'd like to call you. What's your number? - It's in the phone book. - But I don't know your name. - That's in the phone book too.

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Hey, Are You From Tennessee, Because Your License Plate Says Tennessee.

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Roses are red Violets are blue Go out with me Or you face'll be those colors, too!

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Man - Hey hun.. .Can I kiss the most beautiful girl on the whole party? ;) Wowan - Hell no. Man - Ah, I see... And what about you? Can I?

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I hope you like trees because I've got wood!

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Guy: Hey baby, you must be a general, because you're making my PRIVATES stand at attention! Girl: Hmm..they're still a MAJOR disappointment.

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- I'd go through anything for you. - Good! Let's start with your bank account.

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boy: you remind me of the 20 letters of the alphabet girl: there's 26 boy: how could I forget U R A Q T girl: that's 5 boy: you can get the D later girl: you mean the V?

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What's the difference between a Jew and a boyscout? The boyscout returned from camp.

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Was your dad a thief? Because he's in jail

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He: Do you like aardvarks? She: No. He: Neither do I, I'm Harold...

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Ma'am, I'm sorry I'd like to ask a favour. Yes? Well, my penis died and I was wondering if I could bury it in your vagina?

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-wow I could just drown in the ocean of your eyes -well why don't you -well I'll steal your sisters number, get lost at sea, and shipreck in her bed Then you can come and save us when she is shouting S.O.S out of the other room

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!