I dont have sex on the first date - only if the opportunity comes

thumb_up thumb_down +80

I have been known to give women the best fake orgasms ever ;)

thumb_up thumb_down -56

Woman: You've got the body of a god, too bad that it's Buddha... Man: You've got the face of a Princess, too bad that it's Diana.

thumb_up thumb_down -54

That outfit looks great on you.. .. It would look even better crumpled up in a pile in an evidence bag

thumb_up thumb_down -32

Those pants are very becoming on you, of course if i were on you id be cumming too.

thumb_up thumb_down -59

Man: I would kill anyone at anytime for a kiss from you. Woman: Kill yourself now.

thumb_up thumb_down -18

A cat falls into a pool and a rooster laughs. Moral of the story, a wet p**** makes a happy c***

thumb_up thumb_down -19

- So what do you do for a living? - I'm a female impersonator.

thumb_up thumb_down +324

Talk to me or I'll burn your face with this acid.

thumb_up thumb_down +9

-how much does a polar bear way. -half as much as you (for fat girls)

thumb_up thumb_down -138

if i was a fly, i'd be all over you, because you are the SHIT.

thumb_up thumb_down +31

-There's a 'U' in beautiful. -Yeah, and there's a 'U' in ugly.

thumb_up thumb_down -974

Are you from tennessee? Cuz it looks like your missing some teeth.

thumb_up thumb_down +46

"Hey did I not meet you at the singles and desperates club?"

thumb_up thumb_down +50

Guy: I believe in women's rights. That's what women deserve. Girl: Oh really? Because I was just gonna go make you a sandwich and get in bed with you, but I guess not...

thumb_up thumb_down +127

Me. Would you like me to get you a ring for valentines day? Girlfriend: Nothing would make me happier! So I got her nothing...

thumb_up thumb_down -31

Your so hot my pants will explode if I don't take them off now...

thumb_up thumb_down -10

I am typing it here for exposure which means I am no sellout because I admitt I sell out, just like I did not crash because I admitt I did. This one is real: Me meeting my childhood friend (a girl, with huge boobs... Which she had reduced because back problems... Fucking reduction pointless invention!) Tina: You where and will always be like a brother to me Nero. Me: Aww... Well... Tina: A fucking sexy brother back then... Well and now! Me: O_O. I am married, so I called my wife and asked if its okay, she said can I join? And well, why do you think I am so wired now... ROUND TWO... F*CK!

thumb_up thumb_down +42

Boy: Do u have a pen? Girl: Yeah, here Boy: Umm..its out of ink Girl: What? Boy: It doesn't work Girl: R u sure? Boy: Don't believe me? Fine, u try it... Go on, write your cell phone number right here....

thumb_up thumb_down +60

- Your body is like a temple. - Sorry, there are no services today.

thumb_up thumb_down +234

Boy: So...Um...How's life? Girl: Great, until you came along.

thumb_up thumb_down -67

Baby, I'm no Flintstone, but I can sure make your bed rock...

thumb_up thumb_down -42

Where have you been all my life?! Said the 78 year old alzheimers patient to his teary eyed wife of 50 years.

thumb_up thumb_down -74

- I can make your wildest dreams come true. - I know. I had this nightmare some creep wouldn't leave me alone...

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!