Man- According to my magic watch you're not wearing any underwear. Woman- Yes, I am! Man- Damn! I guess my watch is 15 minutes fast.

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Wife: I have a confession to tell you my wife said to me one day... Before we got together I was raped by a masked man and I really liked it. Me: I know.

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-Hey sit on my face and I will guess your weight

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Baby, I'm no Flintstone, but I can sure make your bed rock...

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At the library: So girl, how about we find a nice quiet place? Moral: Location, location...

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Me 17 years old: Hey, girl, you are hot how old are you? Girl: 14. Me: What but you have enormous... Never mind, uh nice evening huh?... My friend: Big boobs on er huh? I would have hit on her too had it not been for... Me: Shut up... Crap! Moral: That was a crappy day!

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Have you ever heard of World of Warcraft?

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I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

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Boy: Do you have a boyfriend? Girl: I don't have a boyfriend but I have a Girlfriend !

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If you were a Pokemon I'd choose you!

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B: Hey C do you wanna go out with me? C: Sorry B I only go out with guy's who come after me

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He: pick a number between 1 and 10 Her: 8 He: you lose take your top-off!

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Is there a mirror in your pocket?... Because if so, you should probably take it out and, uh, fix what you have going on there.

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- If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put I and U together. - Would you also change it so that I is an object, therefore making your previous sentence grammatically correct? And besides, I already organized the alphabet so that N and O are right next to each other.

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Hey baby that dress is amazing! It would look even better as a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor!

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Are you an ornithologist?... because my penis is incredibly swollen with blood.

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-So, you wanna...? -I'm on my period.

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Boy- Can I buy you a drink? Girl- Sure, after seeing your face I'll need the strongest thing that they have.

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Want to get a pizza and fuck? What you don't like pizza?

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You're parents must be assholes because baby you're the shit!

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my girlfriend is really insecure about her weight so much so that I'm thinking about detaching the reverse alarm

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Hey gurl, you smell like tape!

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- Your body is like a temple. - Sorry, there are no services today.

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Man: Wanna hear a joke about my C*ck, nevermind, it's too long Woman: Wanna hear a joke about my P*ssy, oh wait you'll never get it Man: It's ok, it was probably too dirty for me anyways.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!