You're place or mine? Both, you go to yours and I go to mine.

thumb_up thumb_down +159

-What's your favorite color? -bl... -mine too! Let's f***

thumb_up thumb_down -34

What's the difference between a Jew and a boyscout? The boyscout returned from camp.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

He: Do you like aardvarks? She: No. He: Neither do I, I'm Harold...

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Got milk? Cuz baby, im of it!

thumb_up thumb_down -147

Hey wanna smash pissers?

thumb_up thumb_down -121

Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

thumb_up thumb_down -49

-how much does a polar bear way. -half as much as you (for fat girls)

thumb_up thumb_down -135

Can I go to your house and play with your Jigglypuff?

thumb_up thumb_down +32

Your father must be a thief, because I saw him stealing at Target earlier.

thumb_up thumb_down +101

hey wanna come back to my house, and help me kill my dog?

thumb_up thumb_down +97

(Based on a few real life experiences) Man: Hey girl wanna hang out an.. Girl: OMG IMMA ORGASMIN YES I COME WIT YOU AND WE HAVE WILD SAX IN MAH DERTY PUSSY AND THEN YOU LIKK MY ASS GOOD AND CLEEN! Man: Uh... I think I left my wallet im my pocket... which I think is in my fridge.. at home... gotta go before the house burns down you know... "runs off"

thumb_up thumb_down -44

You have lovely eyes. They'll look better in a pile on my floor in the morning.

thumb_up thumb_down +120

So which of you ladies wants to recieve child support payments from me next year?

thumb_up thumb_down +45

If i could rearrange the alphabet, id violate your ass hole.

thumb_up thumb_down +12

-Insert man's line here- -Wanna get laid?- -TOTALLY!- -Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.-

thumb_up thumb_down +107

-Do you come here often? -I'm about to.

thumb_up thumb_down +153

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

thumb_up thumb_down +68

I asked my friend who the prettiest girl in here is, and he told me to ask you because you seemed more familiar with everyone here.

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Guy: want to hear a joke about my penis. don't worry, it's too long Girl: want to hear a joke about my vagina. don't worry, you won't get it

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Guy on phone:ok im on my way. Other guy:who was that,your mom? Guy on phone:no yours. (this is not mine ,its from Cyanide en Happines).

thumb_up thumb_down +101

2 fake blondes hitting on me. blondes: we're twins! me: so where are you from? blonde1: canada! blonde2 (at the same time): finland!

thumb_up thumb_down -28

Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Male: are you from Tennessee? Female: yes, why? Male: because Tennessee has great food. Do you think we could travel there together.

thumb_up thumb_down -53

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!