I just shat my pants..... can I get in yours?

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- Can I buy you a drink? - Yes, providing you f**k off immediately afterwards and I never have the misfortune to see or smell you ever again.

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You must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day! ...I'm a paraplegic, asshole.

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Do you wanna go halves in a bastard?

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Still a better love story than Twilight

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Man: I bet you havent seen a really big dick before ;) ;) Woman: No... but I have seen yours... The man proceeds to stare at the floor and leaves in shame...

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I'm desperate, you'll do.

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-Get in the Van

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Man: Do you want to have sex at my house Women: No

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The word of today is "leg's",no whom are i kidding, bird is the word!

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I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.-Rodney Dangerfield

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if you were my sister i'd totally get with you.

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Man: May I have this dance? Woman: Take it, it's all yours [goes away]

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What's the difference between a duck? An orange

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- I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true. - First wish: don't speak ever again.

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Does this rag smell like chloroform?

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Hey baby, wanna make $50?

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You look... clean

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Don't worry, I love fat birds....why are you crying?

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Stories from real life part whatever: Me as a twelve year old: Yeah I am incredibly experienced with girls, I mean I know I look very young for a eighteen year old man, but I consider it a advantage of mine... Seventeen year old girl: Really? You are eighteen? Me: Of course, besides II have had intercourse hundred of times, mostly with married women, I enjoy being their "guilty pleasure" Girl: I bet you haven't seen boobs like these though! *shows me boobs* Me: OMG! HOLY SHIT REAL BEEWBS! OMG HOLY CRAP THEY LOOK INCREDIBLE HOLY SHIT EVERYONE I JUST SAW REAL LIFE TITS! I am a winner! Last thing I remember was getting slapped several times and getting spit on, I was too damn happy to give a damn, I was victory. Moral: had you asked me if it worked by then id say "hell yes!", today I doubt it worked as well as it could have...

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-I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be? -I'll start dialing 911 for you now.

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hey Herpes Go Away!

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That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

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man:hey can you help me look for my dog i lost him in this cheap motel room girl: oh really i didnt know rotten garbage like you actully a had a friend even if it is a pet!

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!