Hey, do you want to dance? No.

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-Good thing I brought my library card, 'cause I'm checking you out! -What a shame, it's expired.

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Man - "Does this smell like chloroform to you?" Woman - "Yes it does."

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Baby, I love every muscle in your body... Especially mine.

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Nielsen: Nice beaver! Woman: Thanks! Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice p*ssy Woman: Ah! Thank you! (cat meows) Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice wet vagina. Woman: Is this in the script? Director: CUT! Nielsen: What? Cant a man improvise? I mean OJ does it, and he is quite the nice fella... Moral: "Quite the nice fella" Yeah reminds me of good old dad, nice to everyone, and could take a lot of shit, but as much as I asked him how he was doing, I got an uppercut to the face and a nice trip in a ambulance... Started when I was 4, I crushed his upper Jaw in self defense when I was 16... ah... hmm... Why am I sharing this? Then again why not... When have I not spoken my mind.

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Man: Hey... wanna join me at my big mansion and have a friendly discussion? Girl: A mansion eh? Well.. sure! At the mansion: Man: MUAHAHAHAHA! I am gonna r@pe you! Girl: NO PLEASE! I am not drun.. uh not ready yet! 5 minutes later: Woman: OUCH! ouchie! That hurts! Stop it! ITS TOO HARD! Man: HAHA AND TAKE THIS GRAPE! AND THIS GRAPE! Oh... never mind this is one has turned a raisin... AND THIS GRAPE!... so uh... anyway wanna move on to the "lovers room" later? Want some more Champagne by the way? AND THIS GRAPE, AND THIS ONE IS REALLY BIG AND HARD! GET READY! Woman: Yeah sure... sigh... just get done with this weirdness already... damn these eccentric millionaires... OUCH! OOF!

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Chick:- Don't worry, we all get nervous when we meet people. My brother: yeah, but my buttcrack gets sweaty & smelly when i get nervous!

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Are you from Austrailia? Because I'd like to put my tongue in your butthole

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You're parents must be assholes because baby you're the shit!

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Female: Hey do you wanna come back to my place? Male: I'm actually a broom in disguise.

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You're one-in-a-million. That means there is roughly 7,000 people exactly like you in the world.

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Hey! Doesn't this rag smell of chloroform?

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A polar bear and a penguin were taking a bath. The polar bear asked the penguin to pass the soap. the penguin responded by saying,"What do i look like a microwave?"

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man: wanna know how i know we're going to f**k tonight? woman: how? man: cuz im stronger than you!

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"You look like an angel that fell from heaven and hit its face on the pavement."

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Do you have Groupon? *wait for response* Because you look fucking cheap

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"Hmm...you'll do."

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You wanna have sex and get married?? Ok... Sorry.

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If you were a booger, that'd be pretty nasty.

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Are you a broom? Cause you look like a rather dull, inanimate object that collects dust.

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him: why are you so gorgeous? her: i dont know i guess my parents had some really good sex.

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oooo oo o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o xxxxxxxxxxxxxx o o xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx o xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx o xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x x x xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxxx x x x x xxxxxxx xxxxxxx x x x x xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxxxxxx xxx xxxxxxx xx xxxx x x x xx x x 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-Do you come here often? -I'm about to.

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Guy: Have you ever been surfing? Girl: No; Yes Guy: Wanna surf in my jizz?

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!