My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidentally gave her the glue stick, she is still not talking to me.

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adam burdass

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You smell just like my mom...

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You have a laugh like my favorite porn star.

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Are you a computer technician? Because you turn my hardware into software.

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-Hey babe, if you were homework, I'd do you on my couch, my table, and my bed. -Yeah? You just failed.

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Ay Girl. Lemme squirtle on yo jigglypuffs

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I stole this pickup line from Antipickupline.com.

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Hey baby, have you ever been to Uranus? No? Well I am about to.

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Monday went by and he didn't see her Tuesday was the same Wednesday came and the swelling had finally gone down for him to make his wife out

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Hello my name is Horny and... oops... I got it wrong didn't I?

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Roses are red Violets are blue I have a gun Get in the van

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If we were confronted, by a vicious man-eating bear with chain-saws for hands and fangs, holding a hammer; than I would sincerley hope you wouldn't be harmed because you're pretty.

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Let's not turn this rape... into a murder

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GIRL: I bet you say that to all the girls you meet. MAN: How much you want to bet? No wait, I better not make that bet. (or) MAN: Only half the ones I get this far in conversation with. The other half are a little bit easier to get in bed with.

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-Are you Jamaican 'cos jamaican me crazy! -... *stabs*

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"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Yes. I ruptured my bowels upon impact."

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Okay, I lied, the one below actually kinda works, people get impressed, it is quite the accomplishment you know... But since I am gonna get married soon I don't pick up as much as I should anyways. Moral: Man

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Girl: I was just wondering... Boy: Smell my armpits on July 24th, 2016!

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HE ; " MY NAME'S BOND, JAMES BOND" SHE;" MY NAME'S ****, **** OFF!"

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Man - "Does this smell like chloroform to you?" Woman - "Yes it does."

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My friend and I flipped a coin to see who will ask you out and I won.

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-hey baby wanna get a drink? -no but i wanna get the heck away from you

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Online Desperate Asians.com Man: Wow you are a cute asian girl! Where are you from? Girl: Thanks my name Aoi is I am from Japan, you look like nice older man! Man: Japan? Awesome! Remember when we nuked the hell out of your country? Happy days! SLAP A JAP! *Connection discontinued* Man: Eh really sorry, I just get nervous when I meet girls especially the cutest ones... Man: hello?

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!