Ay girl, those jeans make your ass look fat. Now I'ma get you pregnant while you make breakfast.

thumb_up thumb_down -201

For you thinking what is that shit below this comment? Go fuck yourself, for those that wonder why I typed that excellence, well read whatever... So why am I here once a year and type a lot of insanity here? Because I am quitting smoking... AGAIN. So after banging two chicks (one my wife STEAKSAUCE!) I just want a smoke right? RIGHT? To chill the adrenaline... My wife does not smoke (well if you can smoke cock then she is still the best smoker in town) Seriously, Tina has Prince... That explains her breath ugh... I am gonna get one anyways for great justice.

thumb_up thumb_down -50

Guy: Hey would you like to dance? Girl: No! Guy: Oh come on! Don't be picky. I wasn't!

thumb_up thumb_down

Female: Hey do you wanna come back to my place? Male: I'm actually a broom in disguise.

thumb_up thumb_down -58

-Your father must be an alien because your out of this world -More like out of your league

thumb_up thumb_down +22

Hi, since its our first "Set Time Date" , I want you know I haven't got any STD's

thumb_up thumb_down -28

Man: hey... you seem pretty paralytic and unable to move in that wheelchair ;) Woman: uh oh...well actually I can move a bit... Man: Good because I do not wanna do ALL the thrusting back and forth... Woman: Bu.. but... I... I do not want to... Man: Well if you do not want sex, then just run away... ;) FATALITY... FLAWLESS VICTORY... RAPEALITY!

thumb_up thumb_down +28

Q: Why are Italian girls so hairy? A: Because it turns out its a genetic predisposition in which almost all males and females have when of the Italian ethnicity, these genetics are also parts of other race types.

thumb_up thumb_down +57

GIRL: Has anyone ever told you how hansom you are? MAN: My mother, some of her older friends, and beautiful women your age that I end up sleeping with.

thumb_up thumb_down +10

-Hey girl, is your father in prison? Because if I was your father, I'd be in prison.

thumb_up thumb_down +104

Lady: Is your name REAAAAAAAAALLY Moral? Moral: Stupid big titted bimbo... seems im getting laid tonight...just like I was today, and by midday and... yeah lie.. I mean brag a lot I do not have sex THAT many times a day... okay I lied again... Anyway vote me for president at least I am honest... well actually that was a lie but...

thumb_up thumb_down -35

Criminals are even more smarter these days My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and said that there were burglars downstairs so I went quietly looking for them when I realised I'm not married

thumb_up thumb_down -108

What happens when a drunk swedish man prank calls 911 from a local bar? The ambulance comes

thumb_up thumb_down +7

Man enters bar: Man: is there any... I mean ANY woman that would not instantly reject me here? If there is, I would like her... or in worst case scenario, HIM that she/he is very special to me and has the most beautiful eyes ever... THANK YOU

thumb_up thumb_down -23

Are you a speeding, aggressive driver? Because your running straight up my ass

thumb_up thumb_down +38

Male: hey sexy whats your sign? Female: dead end!

thumb_up thumb_down -62

Girl, you must be a parking ticket. Because you got 'Please pay within 30 days. Failure to do so you will face prosecution at the local court.' written all over you.

thumb_up thumb_down +132

Hey you must be Jabba the slut from Starwars... why are you crying? Moral: Moral is half the battle

thumb_up thumb_down +81

- If you were a booger I'd pick you first - If you were a booger I'd throw you away...

thumb_up thumb_down +65

On your mark, get set, suck my dick.

thumb_up thumb_down -174

A couple wanted to try something different in the bedroom, The wife suggests they do it in a 69 position so they get into position but the wife lets one off in the husbands face she apologises and they try again when the wife farts again the husband gets up to leave and says no I don't think I can do this another 67 times!

thumb_up thumb_down -35

I hope you like trees because I've got wood!

thumb_up thumb_down +21

-Are you a dementor? Cuz you just took my breath away... -Expecto Patronum!!!

thumb_up thumb_down +265

Did you just fart coz you're blowing me away!

thumb_up thumb_down +78

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!