- you come here often? -i used to until you came here

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Do you work at Subway? Cuz you just gave me a footlong

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-If I take you home, will you iron my clothes and make me a sandwich?

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Man: Wanna hear a joke about my C*ck, nevermind, it's too long Woman: Wanna hear a joke about my P*ssy, oh wait you'll never get it

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Are you being followed because i've been see someone behind your back!

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-Can I buy you a drink? -Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

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-Baby, do you know karate? Your body is kickin'! -I do actually. Would your crotch like a demonstration?

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is your name macaulay culkin? cuz you're going home alone.

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If i could re-arrange the alphabet i'd put you and that other girl together.

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Man: HELP! HELP! MY PENIS IS GONE! SOMEONE HELP ME FIND IT! Woman: OMG I am a nurse, we must find it before its too late! Where did you last see it? Man: It... it was around inside my pants somewhere... It should not be too hard to find it... cuz its pretty big...

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Man: Honey, I can't choose between watching golf or porn? Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.

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Hey baby, you like sea food? Because I've got crabs!

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Hey, you want a ride?

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My greatest strength is my self-deprecating sense of humor, but its probably not worth getting to know me.

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Those pants are very becoming on you, of course if i were on you id be cumming too.

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wanna try out my joystick? (gamer-joke)

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Your breast is like a beer holder, you would allow me to store beer in between your breasts, while I talk on the phone

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EVERYONE ELSE

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Got milk? Cuz baby, im of it!

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That outfit looks great on you.. .. It would look even better crumpled up in a pile in an evidence bag

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(Based on a few real life experiences) Man: Hey girl wanna hang out an.. Girl: OMG IMMA ORGASMIN YES I COME WIT YOU AND WE HAVE WILD SAX IN MAH DERTY PUSSY AND THEN YOU LIKK MY ASS GOOD AND CLEEN! Man: Uh... I think I left my wallet im my pocket... which I think is in my fridge.. at home... gotta go before the house burns down you know... "runs off"

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Him: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Him: Breaking through the earth's crust ascending from hell.

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Me noob days again: She: So, you like it here sweetheart? Me: Excuse me, why the hell are you rubbing my leg? She: Would you prefer I rub something else? Me: What the hell am I doing here anyways Duh! Then I sober up at home... And ran towards the shower, its really not that easy to drown yourself to death in a shower is it?

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if i see you naked i'll die happy Well if i see you naked i'l die instandly

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!