What happens when a drunk swedish man prank calls 911 from a local bar? The ambulance comes

thumb_up thumb_down +5

Man enters bar: Man: is there any... I mean ANY woman that would not instantly reject me here? If there is, I would like her... or in worst case scenario, HIM that she/he is very special to me and has the most beautiful eyes ever... THANK YOU

thumb_up thumb_down -26

Man: "Let's play Titanic. You'll be the Titanic, and I'll be the iceberg making you go down." Woman: "That would be a massive disaster."

thumb_up thumb_down +45

In the USA: Man: Hello, I am half Iraq and half Afghanistan, my name is Osama Bin Allah! Girl: Oh... Uh em... I do not mind you nor anything but, you are like uh... civilized and stuff right? Just asking! Man: Of course miss, so how many camels to get into your pussy? Girl: OMG! Man: WAIT YOU MISHEAR ME! I SAY HOW MANY CARAMELS TO GET INTO YOUR... never mind... Moral: Seriously just give up, this must be the worst "pickupline" ever

thumb_up thumb_down +114

- Hey baby, what's your sign? - Dead End.

thumb_up thumb_down +44

If you and I were squirrels, I'd bust a nut in that hole.

thumb_up thumb_down +76

You're too easily offended. I cannot believe you said that.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Eat me, I'm organic!

thumb_up thumb_down -51

Girl, I wish you were a car door, cause I'd slam you all night

thumb_up thumb_down -54

Girl: Hey classy older man, wanna get to know me better? Man: Sigh... sorry lady I am the man that played Gandalf in that... shitty lords of something movie... Girl: so what? Man: Sigh... you know.. Gandalf the white and Gandalf the gay...? Girl: Huh? Man: Ever seen the X-men? Girl: Yeah... Man: ONE WORD: FAGNETO! Girl: uh.. okay.. "leaves". Ian McKellen: Sigh... should have come out of the closet sooner...

thumb_up thumb_down -24

Man: So, what's your sign? Woman: Out to lunch. Back whenever!

thumb_up thumb_down -94

If I could rearange the alphabet id put "I-W-A-N-T-S-E-X-Y-O-U together. SIr, not really but that was kinda impressive. Me: I know...

thumb_up thumb_down +65

Male: are you from Tennessee? Female: yes, why? Male: because Tennessee has great food. Do you think we could travel there together.

thumb_up thumb_down -48

The word of today is "leg's",no whom are i kidding, bird is the word!

thumb_up thumb_down -28

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilised.

thumb_up thumb_down -4

Man: Wanna come home watch my REALLY big stamp collection? ;) ;) Girl: Sure ;) ;) At home: Man: Why are you taking your clothes off? Girl: Uh... nevermind... Moments later: Man: And this one is a rare misprint from 1980, and this one is actually quite common but.., Girl: Sigh... :(

thumb_up thumb_down +46

Here, flowers for a pretty lady. These arent flowers they are leaves. Well you arent a pretty lady so hah!

thumb_up thumb_down -86

Walking to your car alone later?

thumb_up thumb_down +157

Hey baby, you like sea food? Because I've got crabs!

thumb_up thumb_down +288

You must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day! ...I'm a paraplegic, asshole.

thumb_up thumb_down +69

Boy-That's a nice outfit. Girl-Thanks!!! Boy- It would look even better scrunched up at the end of my bed.

thumb_up thumb_down -41

Ps: I was signing books today, and some douche asked me: Are you that Neronism dude on Horsehead? YOu suck! Anyway, Fuck Neronism. Nero (the other one and his "peeps" are fuckups. (Below: Well actually Tina said if my wife can join, just as my wife said yes... ...And you would think that screwing somebody else after asking your wife is immoral... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY WIFE BECAUSE OF WHO SHE IS? Its called trust people *cape flowing in the air moon in background* Trust! NeroMetal I play Street Fighter V, And am an author, and I guess I get laid a lot... AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NERONISM OR THAT OTHER ASSHOLE IS! I just called myself asshole...

thumb_up thumb_down -27

That outfit looks fantastic on you... ..it would look even better in an evidence bag

thumb_up thumb_down +69

WOMAN! GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH NOW! Girl: But I do not even know you!? Man: Oh... uh.. hi sexy.. wanna get to know me?

thumb_up thumb_down +113

Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!