Guy: Did you use Windex on your pants? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because I see myself in your pants.

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-Hey, have we met before? -No, because I don't remember ever seeing a face that made me this nauseous.

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Do you want to see something swell?

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Handsome rich looking man: I would like to take you somewhere nice, maybe watch a movie at the cinema, then we could go to my place and have a romantic dinner.. finally... Girl: YES YES! Man: as I was saying... Finally I can make sweet love with your dog...if its fine by you... Girl: wtf?

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Is it hot in here or are you just suffocating me in this relationship

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Did you gain weight? Because I think your gravitational pull towards me just increased.

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You like my boobies ;) Girl: I said no you disgusting fat bastard! Moral: What fucking kind of MOTHERFUCKING MORAL are you expecting to find here?!?

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I'm an Ice Bear, I guess i just broke the "ICE" between us ....

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man: may I impale you on my stake? woman: O.o (for goth girls)

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The word of the day is 'legs' , The word of tomorrow is Aardvark .

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Excuse me, is your father a gardener? No. Why? Because he keeps leaving all his dry leaves on my sidewalk please tell him to clear it!

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If i could rearrange the alphabet, id violate your ass hole.

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Got milk? Cuz baby, im of it!

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M. Do you want to go out with me? F. Okay but first take me to your place where we can be alone to make furious love to one another M. Wow this never happens I must be.. (Wakes up) dreaming

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What did the blond do when the web page she was visiting didn't load? She checked if her wireless access had been somehow cut off and then hit the refresh button and waited for the page to load again.

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will you marry me

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Have you met Ted?

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imgonna r@pe you

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-words can't describe how beautiful you are. -aaaawwwwwwww. -but numbers can. 3/10. -fffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

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How much does a polar bear weigh? 1000 pounds

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*At a concert* guy- hey if you were that drum set, i'd bang you on that stage all night

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- Does this napkin smell like chloroform to you? There is no response because she passed out from it and he leaves in order to void suspicion.

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Q: How did the baby cross the road A: He was stapled to the chicken

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Why couldnt susie see out her window? She was not home, see was to busy drowning in the ocean.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!